clouds in my coffee

Time, Love and Tenderness: The Michael Bolton List

2012-01-29T23:17:00.001-06:00

I started to talk about my fandom of early Michael Bolton last week, but decided it was too much to squeeze into a two paragraph sidebar amongst an Idol recap... so, here is my "Mike Bolton Post" as promised... Did you know that The Bolt released a total of FIVE albums, starting in 1975 with his self titled debut "Michael Bolotin" (his real name), before hitting it big with his 6th release, "Soul Provider"? My man has been around awhile... and you might think this entire post is in jest, is making fun... and you might be right, partly. But honestly? I dig Bolton, ever since I remember him really hitting it big in the late 80s. I'm old enough to admit it without shame. So, I nod my head to The Bolt and say, "Good job".

So here we go... my own personal Bolton Top Ten...

Honorable Mention...

"Don't Make Me Wait for Love"... I couldn't officially list this as one of my favorite Bolton tunes, because technically, its a Kenny G song. Kenny G did this with a dude named Lenny Williams on his 1987 album "Duotones", but recorded another version of it with Michael Bolton for Kenny G's live album, appropriately titled "Kenny G Live!", in 1989. Personally, I like the Lenny Williams version better, if only because the video is so frakkin' ridiculous (and never shows Lenny at all, its just Kenny G running around looking all curly headed, macking on all his chicks).

When Kenny G plays his sax on the porch, the Unintentional Comedy
Scale blows through the roof.

10) "When a Man Loves a Woman"... For my money, there's nothing better than when Michael Bolton sings "When a Man Loves a Woman." I celebrate his entire catalogue.

Do you own this album? No? You should.

9) "When I'm Back on My Feet Again"... Sometimes we all need a little inspiration, and Track #7 on "Soul Provider" provides just that. It's not necessarily a song about love, though it could be. Its about a tragedy, one that knocks you down, one that puts your butt on the floor, one that rocks your world, nay, turns it upside down, inside out and back over again. And this song centers on how you deal with that tragedy... a promise of, "One day..." As in, one day, I'm going to break these chains around me. One day, I'm going to learn how to fly again. One day, these tears will all be dry. Soon these eyes will see the sun--might take time, but I'll see it. You know, when I'm back on my feet again.

Though I'd have to go and dig the box out to confirm, I do believe that this is the only cassette single I own by The Bolt. Awesome.

8) "Love is a Wonderful Thing"... Now this tune, from "Time Love and Tenderness", is most notably famous for its lawsuit that followed the release. When this song hit big in 1991, reaching #4 on the charts, The Isley Brothers had a big problem with it... because, they claimed, that it sounded a lot like their own 60s release, strangely titled "Love is a Wonderful Thing". In 1994, the courts of this great land declared that yes, Bolton's song had many similarities beyond the title, ruled that Mike B and his team had to pay The Isley Brothers all profits from the song, plus 28% of the entire album's profits. This ended up being in the neighborhood of $5 million or so, after all was said and done. And the ironic part was that The Isley Brothers' original song wasn't even that big of a hit, recorded in 1964, but not even released on a single until 1966, where it languished between #125 and #101 on the pop charts.

The verdict was appealed, of course, and ran all the way up to the US Supreme Court where in 2001, it refused to review the case at all, upholding the original verdict.

I always hated that this song had such legal issues... Its fun, its peppy, its easy to sing and its catchy. Awesome.

7) "That's What Love Is All About"... Such a sweet song, all about a couple who have been through everything and back again, yet they are still together. They are simply two hearts who have found a way, somehow, to keep the fire burning. Something they couldn't live without, and if it took forever, they were going to work it out, beyond a shadow of a doubt, cause you see, this is what love is all about.

See, finding the good times is easy--but the hard times? Well, they can tear you apart. There will be times in your heart when the feeling is gone... what do you do? Well, you keep on believing. You keep holding on. Duh.

I can imagine this song being a popular song at a 50th anniversary vow re commitment celebration. Awesome.

6) "How Can We Be Lovers"... Truly a question for the ages, featured on "Soul Provider", one asked by men and women of each other, and of themselves, since the dawn of time. A question that, when asked, hangs in the air, itself asking, NAY, demanding (!) and answer. A question that truly wants to know how this relationship will not only work, but how it will even begin.

That question is quite simply... "How can we be lovers when we can't be friends?"

Now, if that question doesn't throw you, if that doesn't make you too queasy, then there are follow up questions.... queries like, "How can we start over if the fighting never ends?" And then, "How can we make love if we can't make amends?"

Then, a flat out command... TELL ME, how can we be lovers if we can't be, can't be friends. See, going from friends to hookin' up is a common theme in pop music, but The Bolt puts a spin on it... you have two people who have a passion for each other... but can't get along as friends. Thus the brilliance of this tune. Awesome.

Michael Bolton's 7th album, and his glorious mullet

5) "Time, Love and Tenderness"... What a code to live by, eh? When love puts you to the fire, when love puts you to the test, NOTHING heals a broken heart like Time, Love and Tenderness..." Suffering from a terrible break-up?

According to the Bolt, you need three things. First, you need Time. Perhaps time doesn't heal all wounds, but it will make it better. You need Love. Maybe to replace the love lost, or just the love of your support group around you. And finally, you need Tenderness. You need people to treat you with care. And those people are the ones who you can call friends. Great song. Awesome.

4) "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You"... From "Soul Provider", this is originally a song made famous in 1983 by Laura Branigan (but The Bolt was a co-writer on this), this one is just heartbreaking. I mean, right off the bat, we are talking about a broken relationship... "I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today, I had to come and get it straight from you", meaning that he didn't even find out from the chick, he had to find out second hand, then go to her to confirm it. Confirm what, you ask? "Said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away, and from that look upon your face I see its true..." Not only did he find the info out second hand, he found it out even though SHE WAS LIVING THERE!!! Great tune, Bolton's raspy voice only adds to the bitter lump of heart pains in this song.

This was the song that truly put him on the map, as it ended up being his biggest hit ever. It became the first #1 single of the 1990s, staying at the top for 2 weeks, from January 6th through the 13th. Awesome.

3) "Steel Bars"... Probably one of the best opening beats of any Michael Bolton song, it's a fast paced pop song that tells of a man who loves his woman to the point where she's got "steel bars" wrapped around him... as in, the bonds are so strong, they cannot be broken. And if you can believe it, this song was co-written by Bob Dylan!

My favorite part... "Every desperate step I take, every desperate move I make, its clear to me... what can all my living mean, time itself is so obscene, time itself don't mean a thing, I'm still loving you!" Awesome.

2) "Missing You Now"... Baby I just can't wait, til I see your face, takes away this loneliness inside! When your close to my heart, right here in my arms, then and only then will I be satisfied, I'm missing you now! But the prime part of this song is the video itself.

Open up with a young Teri Hatcher working as a sales clerk, perhaps at a gas station, giving some guy the change, while she listens to a male voice on the phone that says, "I can't even talk right now, I'm just... just locked in the studio, I'll be working real late. Can I call you tomorrow?" She says, "That'd be great. I can't wait to see you."

Smashcut to Michael Bolton, leaning over a wall phone in a recording studio, saying, "Just wanted to tell you I miss you." Teri then replies, "I miss you too. Go to work," she smiles and hangs up.

And now, the song begins... "Talk to you but its not the same... as touching you... every time you whisper my name... I wanna run to you... we'll be together, it won't be long, it won't be long... but it feels like forever... and its hard to be strong..." The video cuts back and forth between The Bolt sitting on a stool, baring his soul into a hanging mic and Teri back at the gas station, looking in the distance and forlorn. But then, we see flashbacks of how Bolt and Teri met, with his car breaking down, a mechanic looking under the hood, and Bolt looks up to see this ravishing Teri standing in the doorway, staring at him.

Their romance blossoms, with wine and roses and the camera slowly panning over a window where the curtains are blowing, showing off the cool nighttime sky, and then over a bed where we see The Bolt and Teri giving kisses to each other. I mean, who knows when they got married... that's why they are there, right? Right.

And outta nowhere, there's Michael Bolton and Kenny G, hanging out on a couch, laughing.

Awesome.

1) "Soul Provider"... Bay-bee I-I-I-I wanna be... your soul provider... bay-bee I-I-I-I wanna stay that way... for the longest time! Truly his first real hit of any kind, its the title track of the 1989 album of the same name. "Soul Provider", the album, reached #3 on the pop charts, went 6 times platinum, and sold... get this... 12.5 MILLION copies worldwide. And its his sixth album!

This is truly my favorite Michael Bolton song, just because its a great song really. Well written, well sung, good lyrics and... well, its Awesome.

BONUS BOLTON... Lest we forget "Forever Isn't Long Enough", an unreleased gem from the "Time Love and Tenderness" album. See, the gist of the song is he wants her to ask him "How long will you love me?" and is answer is "Forever isn't long enough to give all my love to you...", which means he loves her lots and lots, because the word "forever" means from here to infinity, with no end, yet he says his love for her is actually beyond that, meaning beyond infinity, which is a really, really long time. See what The Bolt did there?

He attempted to do the same thing with "Said I Loved You... but I Lied", which is really about a guy saying "the word 'love' isn't strong enough to convey my affections for you, my dear," and its just not a great song. I consider this single the turning point and beginning of the downslide of The Bolt's career. Don't even get me started on "Can I Touch You... There?" Yeesh.

ALSO... The song "I Found Someone" is a song made hugely famous in 1987 by Cher, and it essentially resurrected her career. However, did you know that the song was written by a guy named Mark Mangold, by Laura Branigan (yes, the one mentioned earlier in "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You") and by none other than The Bolt himself. Branigan, who had hit the charts with "Gloria" and "Self Control", had "Axel F" composer Harold Faltermayer arrange "I Found Someone", but without a video to support it, it only got to #90 on the charts.

Cher picked it up for her 19th studio album, "Cher", in 1987 and with a big budget video that was heavily played on MTV, the song was huge. Its also my personal favorite Cher song, and would rank somewhere in the 150 to 200 spot on my All Time Favorite Songs list. Just a great tune.

The guy in this video, her love interest, was, at the time, her real life boyfriend... it made headlines in 1987, as he was 27 years her junior.

Anyway, The Bolt finally recorded his own version of this song and placed it on his 1995 album, "Greatest Hits 1985 - 1995", though after listening to it moments ago, I gotta tell ya... Cher's is better. Her voice is perfect on it.

So, that's the Michael Bolton round-up for you folks, since you were dying to know.

Tinker Tailor Snoozer... Sigh

2012-01-26T22:16:00.001-06:00

With the addition of a new person in our house, something that we've always done freely--that is, go to the movies--has now entered "premium territory". Anyone with children will just nod their heads in agreement when I say that with a child, you now much pick and choose what to do when you go out, because those times when you are free to do so are much fewer and far betweener... between. Yeah, that.

So, when The Lovely Steph Leann had somehow convinced Mama Ruthless, her mom, to keep Campbell, allowing us an afternoon at the movies, we were excited. Granted, there aren't a ton of movies out there that we are just dying to see, as January is known as a "movie dead zone", but two caught our attention... first was "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy", a smart, dramatic British espionage drama starring a great cast, including Gary Oldman, Tom Hardy and the president of The Colin Firth Club himself, Colin Firth... second, the 9/11 drama "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close", starring Tom Hanks. We also considered "The Artist", the much ballyhooed Oscar front runner, but decided to wait awhile longer on seeing it.

We both really wanted to see "The Descendants", the other Oscar Best Picture race leader, and had we been able to find it, we would have just gone there. Alas, it wasn't playing locally yet--it actually doesn't hit wide release until this weekend... just looked.

So after a few texts and discussion back and forth, we decided on "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy". I was kind of excited, because while I do enjoy stupid movies that don't require much thought process (hence my love of "Black Dog", "Beavis & Butthead Do America" and the Damon Wayan's award winning "Mo' Money"), I enjoy movies that challenge me and require me to connect dots. "Inception" is a perfect example of a movie that I loved and was pumped to see again, to help me better understand it.

And then, we saw "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy". Well, I saw it. The Lovely Steph Leann sort of dozed through some of the slow parts... oh, who am I kidding--the whole movie is a slow part.

Apparently, there are a group of highly ranked officers in British intelligence, but one of them is a mole... that is to say, one of them is giving secrets to the Russkis and its all bad, because we don't know who it is, as one is called the Tinker, and one is called the Tailor and one is known as the Soldier and they are all spies and...

...and who cares. Seriously.

The positive is that the movie looks good. The drab color is very stylized and fits the pace of the movie well... there are few laughs, but truly, there doesn't need to be many. The acting is good, with Gary Oldman even earning a Best Acting nod for the upcoming Academy Awards... perhaps he earned it, as his performance is very serious, very subdued and he looks very cool.

The negative? Dear goodness this movie was slow. And plodding. And a little confusing, but I feel like had I paid more attention, I would have understood it better... the problem is, I didn't want to pay attention. With "Inception", it was so good, I was eager to understand it... With "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy", I could care less. If I see it again, or if I don't, whatever.

And when a movie makes me not care--not even hate it, but just not care--it's never a good thing. So, watch the flick with a few shots of espresso and some Red Bulls handy... Otherwise, you might end up with a nap lasting about 137 minutes. Just saying'.

Houston, We Have an Idol

2012-01-26T20:58:00.000-06:00

Cue "Spirit in the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum... naturally.

Some 250 miles above the Earth's surface is a space station, and in that space station is an astronaut, and that astronaut is holding a microphone and telling us that he is an astronaut in a space station hovering some 250 miles above the Earth's surface... some 250 miles above Houston, Texas, above the lines of 10,000 people that are waiting to get into their auditions... those auditions that will help us find the next ~~Lee DeWyze~~ ~~Taylor Hicks~~ ~~Ruben Studdard~~ Carrie Underwood.

Seacrusty opens the show surrounded by a whole lotta Idol hopefuls as the music cues and the credits roll. Let's get it on!

THIS

IS AMERICAN

IIIIIIIDDDDOOOOLLLLLL

Nine times Idol has come to Texas, including the first set of auditions... where they found a young lady by the name of Kelly Clarkson.

And first, is a dude names Phong Vu, with an odd accent. On camera, he starts tearing up about the possibility of being the next American Idol, and just being born in America to begin with. U-S-A! U-S-A!

He tells the judges he loves to sing female artists like Celina Dion. Yes, Celina. And his rendition of "Unbreak My Heart" is probably making the wonderful Toni Braxton reach over and smack her sister. Sista, even. The Lovely Steph Leann has no blanket this time, nay, she's feeding Campbell... I think she's about to put the bottle down and cover her face with Campbell himself. Wouldn't blame her.

Of course, its a NO from all judges. And even after a NO, he does his best Derek Zoolander and busts out some iconic moves and looks, as he calls it. And he promises us we'll see him next year. One can only hope.

And in an unusual move, at least for this season, we see several bad auditions in a row, including three really back country dudes.

BACKSTORY ALERT! Seventeen year old Skylar Laine, who we see doing a little deer hunting and fishing... we know this by the big deer head hanging on her bedroom wall. She says, "I don't know if too many 17 year old girls hunt..." which means she's never been to South Alabama. Her family owns a restaurant, which has hit hard times with the local economy.

She's doing "Hell on Heels" by the Pistol Annies, and sounds awesome. Love this chick so far. Three YES votes and she's on her way to a Lauren Alaina future!

This is the first incarnation of Baylie Brown, before she was screwed over
by Antonella Barba in the Hollywood Round of Season 6

We see a montage of how some of the Idol hopefuls practice, in mirrors, in front of others, on the sidewalk, and so on. BAYLIE BROWN IS BACK! Holy crap! Talk about one of the best ever and did one of the biggest flame-outs in Hollywood week. That was five years ago? Wow...

Now, Baylie is 21, and is singing "Bed of Roses" by Bon Jovi. The Lovely Steph Leann gives Campbell and lighter, then holds him up and sways him back and forth. Three YES votes and she's on her way... rock on. I'm totally rooting for her.

And here comes Kristina Osorio, who, at 28 years old is at the maximum age limit--this is her one shot. BACKSTORY ALERT!!! We meet her kids, see her small home, and hear her hard story of the divorce she's going through right now. She's also covered in tats. That doesn't mean she can't sing... she took out a loan for her divorce lawyer and instead spent that money on a plane ticket to fly to Texas to audition. Dave Ramsey would throw up.

She's pretty good, though, tats and all. As she starts to sing, J-Lo looks up and whispers, "Thank God..." Three YES votes and she's on her way to Hollywood!

Okay, so about 703p, right as it was coming on, we made the decision to watch Idol around 730, so we could skip through commercials via the magic of DVR. In that time we could also eat dinner, I could get laundry worked on, I could make a bottle for Camp, The Lovely Steph Leann could do some dishes then feed him and so on. In the background was one of my favorite guilty pleasures, "Grown Ups" from 2010.

So, about 724p, the screen goes black, and we see "PARTIAL SIGNAL LOSS" on the screen, meaing we couldn't watch the HBO channel it was one... lasted about five minutes or so. Made me wonder how that would affect the DVR'ing of American Idol.. and now we find out. We hear Seacrusty say, "Coming up after the break..." then the screen blips, then we go straight to this next chick being judged. so, now we know.

When we come back, we see a contestant that apparenly just sang.. she giggles, "I'm about to pee myself" and Creepy Uncle Steven says, "Go ahead..." He says YES, and Randy the Dawg says YES, while J-Lo says, "You need more experience, so NO." After the chick leaves, J-Lo fusses at the boys and says, "When you watch this back, you are going to wish you'd sent her home."

Now we see a few clips of J-Lo saying NO to people, while the boy judges say YES. Now we see Seacrusty with... well... you know those Idolites that the producers spot, and think, "There is no frakkin way this person will ever, ever, EVER make it to Hollywood, but this is good tv because we're going to make all kind of fun of this kid while making them feel like we are interested, and when they see it at home and realize we were totally making a debacle out of them, who cares, they'll be at home..."? That's this guy.

Viva la Idol!

Big chunky dude who asks the judges to, "Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world through my music!" Bad hair, bad ponytail, tight shirt tucked in... wow. Alejandro Cazeres is singing "Thinks are Looking Up" by Paramore. And for some reason, his tongue is blue. Matches his shirt. J-Lo tells him flat out his voice is not good enough for American Idol... and Alejandro begs for that chance to show the world what he can do, and how he will fight for the dream harder than anyone.

Randy the Dawg says, "Dude... your voice is terrible." Alejandro gets on his knees to beg, "What can I do?! What can I do to make it!" And the bouncer comes out and ushers him out. Its never a good time when Big Hoss says, "Time to go" and puts his firm hand on your back to show you the door. Viva la revolucion indeed.

And we now go to Day Two in Texas, as we see J-Lo in a tiny little top that stops about an inch below the bottom boob line.

Cortez Shaw is next with a BACKSTORY ALERT! He used to be homeless, had a hard life, but believes in himself and his future. He's kicking up "Someone Like You" by Adele, putting a little snap and rhythm to it... dude, I like this guy. He sounds fun.

Randy the Dawg says, "What else you got?" while J-Lo says, "What?! He was awesome!" Cortez gets a YES from The Dawg and from J-Lo, and Creepy Uncle Steven says YES too. Golden Ticket in hand, Cortez rushes out to his cheering family and friends.

The Idol Dream burns bright, as we hear about five Idolites say something about how they are the next Idol, or the next big thing. Poor Adele. "Rolling in the Deep" just got butchered, and no joke, Campbell just started whimpering. Another bad rendition, this time of "Heard It Through the Grapevine"... were I the late Marvin Gaye, I'd come back and haunt this chick.

"Unbreak My Heart" makes another appearance by a guy (?) who makes The Lovely Steph Leann say, "Is that a girl?" Randy the Dawg lowers his head behind the table to laugh.

And here we are, the last contestant of the day. Rimino Garcia is from Houston, TX, and works as a worship leader. BACKSTORY ALERT.. he was born with... get ready for this... no ears. Surgeries repaired and built him ear canals when he was a youngling, and how he grew up learning how to hear. His hair is a bit shaggy, so we cannot see the sides of his head.

"Amazing Grace" is his audition, and though its not fantastic, its also not bad. He certainly sounds better than some of the people they have put through... and I really like this guy. Creepy Uncle Steven likes him lots, too. Randy the Dawg is hopeful for him, and says YES. J-Lo says its a "leap of faith" and says YES too.

Rimino's dad is crying outside the door, even more so when Rimiro emerges with a Golden Ticket. Awesome. For all of Idol's emotional pandering, this was a good story.

A total of 55 Golden Tickets were given out in Houston (and Galveston, down the road, where some of the auditions were held), making the total bound for Hollywood like, 4,098 or something. Seriously. And next week, we head to the northwest in Portland, I believe.

And I'll be here giving you the note-by-note replay. I watch it so you don't have to!

Aspen Idol Extreme

2012-01-25T23:59:00.001-06:00

So I just got home from recording another excellent episode of The Deucecast, this our 39th show so far. Click over to the website and listen to this weeks, or last week's, show. Enjoy it!

Anyway, The Lovely Steph Leann is watching some Hallmark film starring Ben Stiller's wife in "Meet the Parents" , while Campbell Isaiah is zonked out on the couch, asleep under a comfy blankie. So perhaps we should get to business before young one starts a'stirring..

I know its just local, but it still amuses me that some WBRC Fox 6 guy sold Pepsi the ad space right before a Coke sponsored show begins.

Here we are in Aspen... and here we are with...

THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL

The judges arrive in a FORD, while drinking COKE, in Aspen, Colorado, and Creepy Uncle Steven already makes a "hey, Aspen sounds like Aspirin! Got a headache! Anyone got an... Aspen?" joke. To be expected.

Seacrust says, "Aspen is peaceful, tranquil and oh so quiet..." Cue the loud chick. And there she is.

Jenni Shick, 24, from Virginia, tells us of a safe list of people that she and her boo can kiss and it won't be cheating. Of course, Creepy Uncle Steven is on her list. Of course. She is singing some Pat Benatar, "Heart Breaker", which for me is a great song, but not a great audition. Eh.

This chick bothers me. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "What's with the weird people being able to sing?"

Jenni gets three YES votes, kisses Creepy Uncle Steven and rushes out the door.

Curtis Grey bemoans the fact he had to get up early, 6am, to get in line for Idol. This gets no sympathy from me, who is up at 355am or so to go to work. He's singing "Its So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday", a song that is hard to master, mostly because Curtis is pasty white, not black and names Nate, Mike, Shaun or Wanya.

I'm completely not impressed with this guy, but Randy the Dawg loved him, J-Lo loved him and Creepy Uncle Steven loved him. He's headed to Hollywood.

"I thought he was pretty good... he's got to open his eyes, thought," says The Lovely Steph Leann.

We get a triple-audition montage with three that we'll probably never hear from again, including one that might be this year's Scotty McCreery, if only for the deep voice.

And now here's Tealana Hedgespeth. Seriously? So, you have a last name like Hedgepeth, and you don't give her something easy like Shannon or Bonnie or Lindsey... you go with Tealana?

Anyway, Tealana is up, and she is telling us all about how she's lived under the shadow of her twin sister who apparently is much more talented... and let's say that it wouldn't take much for twin to be much more talented. Wow. We finally got us a good, long bad audition. Tealana is wearing a romper that looked like a highlighter threw up all over it.

Three NO votes, and well deserved. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Hmmm..." then silence.

And here now is HALEY SMITH FROM UTAH. She lives in a log cabin, is a vegetarian and IS 18 YEARS OLD. Her voice annoys ME AND SHE GIGGLES GOOFY. I type like this because this is HOW SHE TALKS. She is very excited about THE END OF HER SENTENCES. J-Lo is noticing HER 70s VIBE. She's singing Rufus and Chaka Khan's TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD.

I'm just NOT A FAN OF HALEY. SorRY. And The Lovely Steph LEANN DIDN"T THINK SO EITHER. However, Creepy Uncle Steven LOVES HER. J-Lo and Randy the Dawg ALSO RAVE ABOUT HER. Really? ReaLLY? Three yes votes send her TO HOLLYWOOD NOW. AwesOME.

Alanna Snare is a bartender from Colorado who tells us about serving up Rocky Mountain Oysters, which are really bull nards. The judges didn't know this, but I did. Alanna ~~sings~~ butchers "Jolene" by Dolly Parton, and immediately, The Lovely Steph Leann says, "No. No. No."

Shelby Tweten, 17... BACK STORY ALERT! Just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder (and so was she), she also deals with depression and has lots of meds to take. She is from Minny-Soo-Tah. She's singing some song called "Temporary Home", and though I like her voice, I didn't think it was special enough to warrant a backstory... but thats why I'm not a judge on Idol, I reckon.

J-Lo raves, as does The Dawg and Uncle Stevie. Three YES votes, and she got herself a Golden Ticket.

And finally, we get us a good, solid bad-audition montage! Thank you! We even get a white chick, scatting, to "Stand By Me".

And Jairon Jackson, 19, from Denver, Colorado, is doing an original song called "So Hard". Finally! Someone I actually like! All three judges like him quite a bit, and J-Lo even calls him a "lover". Of course, his white wifebeater shirt is about 3 sizes too big... but he can figure that out as he heads to Hollywood, Golden Ticket in hand.

On the way out, Jairon is so excited, he leaps and knocks out an overhead light... good times! Lights out! Uh-huh! Blast blast blast! (who knows that reference)

Angie Zeiderman, 25, is a self-proclaimed "vintage glitter queen", and models herself after Lady Gaga. She's doing some random show tune partly done with Swedish accent. No, I didn't just make that up. Then after a small disagreement of the judges, she does something more traditional, that being "Blue Bayou", and honestly, if I close my eyes, she sounds pretty good. Then I open them, and realize she looks like a travesty, and know that I don't want her in my Hollywood round. Three YES votes overrule me, though. Blech.

And finally... can you say two words... Magic Cyclops. Who left Iowa because of gambling debts. He also says he has 11,000 air guitars, but there is a guy overseas that has had more.

He chalks up his English accent to watching lots of PBS on television growing up. He sings Neil Diamond, sounds terrible, looks ridiculous and then transitions to "Margaritaville" upon J-Lo's request.

The Lovely Steph Leann says, "See, he can sing on cue, just sparingly..." He gets a unanimous NO shout from all three judges. And Magic Cyclops leaves, empty handed.

So now, we send 31 to Hollywood from Aspen, CO... and tomorrow night, we head to Houston for more Idol!

CHECK BACK HERE TOMORROW NIGHT, AS WE BLOG THE HOUSTON IDOL AUDITIONS

The 100 to 91st Coolest Things of 2011

2012-01-24T15:41:00.001-06:00

Feels like we were just here, doesn't it? I mean, with the coolest things of the year, right? About a week or two ago, we learned how Melanie rules, my car is awesome, iLove my iPhone and "Inception" makes my head spin in a good way...but THAT was 2010.

We just passed 2011. And in that year, cool things happen. Which means its time to start our new list! Now, perhaps we can finish it before December 29th of 2012, eh?

Quickly, though, for those of you who have never read this list before, its quite simply what I consider to be the coolest things of the past 12 months. For the most part, stuff that has made this list before won't make the list again, because otherwise, I'd have a rolling list year after year that includes the same things like "Star Wars" and "Shawshank" and "Toy Story Mania" and My Darling Wife and so on; rather, this is kind of "new things"--movies and shows I've never seen before this year, books I'd not read, experiences I'd not experienced, that sort of thing... and some of these things may have predated 2011, like a book that came out years ago, but it qualifies here if in fact I'd read it in 2011.

Enough chatter. Here are The 100 Coolest Things of 2011, starting at the top:

#100... Auburn Wins the National Title
Perhaps that heading should actually say "Cam Newton" wins the national title. There are two kinds of teams that win championships in college football... those with great teams, like the Alabama team that won it in 2009 (and subsequently, a few days ago for the 2011 season) and those with mediocre teams and one great, great player. Auburn was the latter. Cam Newton was electrifying... watching him run, watching him play was genius, probably a more trumped up version of watching a young Steve McNair at Alcorn State do magic in the air. They were known as the Cardiac Cats, because they had this habit of falling behind early, many times to lesser opponents, then roaring back... and when they fell behind to a perhaps superior opponent, the Crimson Tide, they managed to get a score in at halftime--my bro-in-law Tyler was high fiving his dad, Big Daddy Ron, excited, celebrating and saying, "Yeah! We are dominating!", while Ron simply smirked at the 20 point lead for the Tide saying, "This isn't enough. I'm worried." As well he should have been.

Anyway, it was kinda cool to see a program who hadn't won a title since '57 take it home, especially knowing its not likely to happen again. See, while Alabama... and yes, The Go Gator Nation... build great teams, teams ready to sustain a few years of hug success separated by a year or two of so-so 9 win seasons, Auburn is awaiting its next great player. Someday, perhaps.

Found on Twitter: Its great that Alabama sandwiched its titles around Auburn's title. Just like a good big brother should do.

#99... Got a "Pocket Full of Kryptonite", Ah...
The band is the Spin Doctors, the album is "Pocket Full of Kryponite", and the title is from a line in my favorite Spin Doctors tune, "Jimmy Olsen's Blues", one of my top 100 favorite songs of all time. I owned this CD, though I don't exactly remember where I got it--what I do know is, it was completely scratched up, so much so that I'd never heard the entire CD because from Track 4 (a song called "Forty or Fifty") on, it would skip.

So during The Great CD Purge in the Summer of 2011, the scratched CD was one that hit the bricks. I didn't mourn the loss of the album, yet I wish I had still owned it. So, imagine my joy one day in late 2011 when I was touring 2nd and Charles, a used book/music/movie/electronic/everything/anything store, and I came across a copy, a like-new copy of "Pocket Full of Krytonite". For like, $2.95. Done and done.

Now that I own it, though, I must make an ironic confession... its really not that good of an album. The two major singles, "Two Princes" (my senior cruise theme song) and "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong", plus the aforementioned "Jimmy Olsen's Blues", are the best part of the album by far. Its not bad... but its not a great album. But I do own it, and its the symbolism that counts, right? Right.

#98... "Friends With Benefits"
Out of the three "friends who decided to hook up only as friends but somehow decided they liked each other" movies that came out within about 9 months of each other, this was by far and away my favorite.

Here's what I wrote on July 31st:

In my own (un)humble opinion, the far superior of the three films. The script is funny and light, and more real than the rest (the hilarity of the first hook up is a great example), the jokes are funny, and there is great on-screen chemistry between Mila and JT. You end up liking both characters a lot, and by the time you find out Dylan's story--father with the beginning stages of Alzheimers--it doesn't feel like a ploy to get you to like him because you already do. Jenna Elfman shows up as Dylan's sister and plays the part great (and cameos from Emma Stone, Andy Sandburg, Rashida Jones and Jason Segel are great too) and the whole romance is entirely believable this time around. I liked this film alot, and will probably be the only one of the three to appear on The 100 Coolest Things of 2011...

See... I knew.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of The Colin Firth Club, The Lovely
Steph Leann's Hollywood Boyfriend himself, Colin Firth.

#97... Colin Firth Wins the Oscar
Not much to say here, except that its always great when an actor who you know deserves to win an Oscar once in his career actually wins one, and its even greater when that Oscar is not considered by the masses to be a "lifetime" award, but a win for an actual singular performance... hence, Colin Firth wins Best Actor for his portrayal of the king in "The King's Speech", a great, great film.

Much like my excitement when my dear Kate Winslet won her award a few years back, The Lovely Steph Leann was beside herself when her man, Colin First, the president and namesake of The Colin Firth Club, took home the ultimate acting prize. Now, if only Amy Adams would win one for me, and Hugh Jackman for The Lovely Steph Leann.

#96... "My Strange Addiction"
Holy crap, have you seen this show? What a weird show.

Its one of those shows that the title gives you all you need to know... it documents real people who have real, strange addictions... like the chick who carries the urn with her late husbands ashes in it, everywhere she goes. Oh, and she likes to eat the ashes by licking her finger, sticking it in the urn, and licking them again.

Eating is a big deal... there's the chick who drinks bleach... and the chick who eats foam cushions... and the chick who is addicted to eating toilet paper.... and the chick who not only pulls her hair out, but eats the follicles... and the chick who eats dryer sheets. Lest you think that just the chicks have issues, which they do, there is the guy who likes to eat glass.

And of course, there is the dude who lives his private life as a baby, complete with diaper and giant crib... and the girl who wears a bunny suit everywhere she goes.... the chick who sleeps with her hair dryer... the list goes on.

What a weird show... weird, and yet a fascinating look at the human condition.

#95... Edge Bows Out
When my best mate Wookiee, Big Tom and myself ventured to Atlanta in April, we witnessed something that you will find ranking high, high on this list, that being WrestleMania. And in that event, we were able to see a legend wrestle in the opening match, successfully defending his World Heavyweight Title against Alberto del Rio. The match was decent, nothing to spectacular, but was cool to see the Rated R Superstar, the Ultimate Opportunist, that being Edge himself, take the squared circle.

We didn't know it would be his last match. Ever.

A week later, the following Monday, I'm at home in The Cabana, watching WWE Raw as I'm known each week, and Edge comes out. Typically, the guys come out and do a trash-talk routine, or discuss who they are feuding with and so on, maybe even call out someone from the back and do a one-on-one confrontation that always ends in them punching each other and knocking over a table. However, Edge took a different tone. He started out discussing the realities of wrestling, the dangers and the real-life toll it takes on people. He told us about the seriousness of a previous neck injury which resulted in the fusing of his cervical vertebrae, and the numbness he'd been feeling in the last few months. Then, he told us of the MRI he recently had and how he had, in the last week, been diagnosed with cervical spinal stenosis. And finally, he said the real-life doctors would now no longer clear him to compete, as an injury to his spine at this point could result in partial- or full-paralysis... or even death.

You think you know me. Thank you, Edge.

And right there, Edge retired. Winner of a record 31 championships in his career, and it was all over... and it wasn't like he could come out of retirement and do a match here or there, like Kevin Nash or Booker T, or even do his patented moves randomly, like Shawn Michaels does with his Sweet Chin Music... no, for Edge, its over. He has made appearances here and there, but knowing that one missed fall, or one single move that didn't go quite right could kill you? Done.

I tip my hat to Adam Copeland... you haven't always been my favorite, but its been a joy watching you be a heel all these years.

#94... "Fast Five"
What an absolute piece of crap movie. A piece of crap movie that I love, one that months after I saw it, I pondered on how ridiculously stupid it was... but if ever there was a movie that lined up with the word "Craptacular", then this piece of glorious poop would be it.

I think we will look back in a few years at the crap that has come out, and rank "Fast Five" along side of "Con Air", "The Expendables" and "Armageddon" as the most beloved, improbable crap of our age. And its a darn sight better than The Rock's other movie this year, "Faster". Yeesh.

#93... "50/50"
I'm a fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogan, but I was still surprised about how good this movie was--and how great Seth Rogan is as Jo-Go-Lev's best buddy, when Jo-Go-Lev's Adam gets cancer and has to learn to deal with it. And the appearance of Anna Kendrick doesn't hurt in the least.

Here's what I had to say:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, in a fair world, would be sniffing an Oscar nomination, at the least a Golden Globe nod, because his performance is awesome. I love this guy in "Inception", as his character is one of the coolest cats out there, but he tops himself in "50/50". I enjoy Seth Rogen being goofy in any number of movies, but his semi-serious turn that he couldn't nail in "Funny People" is nailed here. Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't have a huge role, but does it right, while Anna Kendrick shines as Katherine, just like she does as Natalie in "Up In the Air", a movie which is quickly becoming one of my all time favorites. (note: "Up in the Air" currently ranks as my 14th favorite film of all time--d$)

Loved this film, one of the best I've seen this year... however, this movie is not for kids, as the language flows pervasive and free flowing, and there is a few uses of the Mary Jane plant... there is one sex scene, though you really don't see anything, and it ends a little different than you would think, almost in a sympathetic fashion. Its about an hour forty-five or so, maybe a little less, but it is paced really well and honestly, its one of those rare movies that I didn't want to end.

Read the entire review from September 29th by clicking here.

#92... The Aladdin Stage Show
Its no secret that one of my very favorite attractions at Walt Disney World is the "Finding Nemo: The Musical" show at Disney Animal Kingdom. Being fans of Broadway style shows, "Disney's Aladdin: A Musical Spectacular" was circled on our list of things to do when The Lovely Steph Leann and I went to Disneyland this past May.

Located in California Adventure, it takes place in the 2000 seat Hyperion Theater at the end of Hollywood Boulevard. The show itself is only similar to "Finding Nemo" in that its a musical stage show, but its great nonetheless. In the 45 minute show, many of the classic scenes and songs from the movie are recreated onstage, and they even move some of the action into the audience, like Aladdin's arrival in the song "Prince Ali". There are flying carpets, magic lamps, great special effects, a lovely Jasmine, a handsome Aladdin and a convincingly evil Jafar... but the crown jewel of the show, like the movie, is The Genie. Whether he's like that always, I cannot speak, but in the show we watched, the actor portraying Genie was brilliant.

If you are ever in the area and have a chance to check out Disneyland, or at least California Adventure, make this a must-do. We loved it.

#91... "Something Borrowed"
Yes, yes, its a total chick flick, and yes, it was blasted by critics, and yes, the heroine of the movie is the chick who actually does the home wrecking and man-stealing in the movie, but you know what? I liked it. Sue me.

Coming up: Getting the Help... Needing a dollar, dollar... and Gods of Thunder... and later, one of the best documentaries of the year is about... a coffee burn?

Cruising the USS Idol

2012-01-23T17:11:00.000-06:00

We were going to watch this last night, but after the game featuring the 49ers of San Francisco and the New York Football Giants went into overtime (with the Giants winning 20-17) and not ending until almost 10, I declared that Idol was a Monday viewing appointment.

So, here we are! Its Monday afternoon, and here I am, in front of the laptop... The Lovely Steph Leann is on the couch, blankie in hand... however comma a new edition to the party. Its Campbell Isaiah, in the house. Not sure he'll have much input in the whole show, but if he throws up during a certain contestant, I'll let you know what he thinks.

10,000 hopefuls arrive... with a dream to change their lives... what they don't know is... this audition is unlike any other... cause tonight, the audition takes place on the deck of the USS Midway, docked in San Diego Harbor. (and yes, Top Gun theme music is playing, and no, I'm not kidding)

THIS

IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Randy the Dawg comes in, flanked by J-Lo and Crazy Creepy Uncle Steven... they are sitting at a table, and behind them is a wide open area, with a jet airline.

First up? Chick in a bikini top and shorty shorts. Seacrusty actually makes her take the stairs twice... to get a glance at the posterior side of our first contestant. Creepy Uncle Steven loves her already. Jennifer Diley, 19, is doing some Jessica Simpson, and finally... finally... a bad audition.

The Lovely Steph Leann whispers, "Uh uh" and says nothing more.

Randy the Dawg and J-Lo both say no, and Jennifer Diley wants to sing "Hero" by Mariah Carey... and it gets worse. And Idol plays "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin. San Diego starts with a bust, as Seacrusty tells us as the camera gets a torso shot of our failed brunette.

Single mom Ashley Robles, 26, is a DJ and a admin chick and works like, four jobs and such... that's admirable. She's singing "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney... and she's not bad. I feel like this song should be banned from Idol forever. She gets to the "IIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuuuu" part and nails it. The fact that the judges let her go the entire first verse, entire chorus and the ending fade is huge...

She gets a big fat YES from all three. Word.

Songwriter Jayrah Gibson, 26, says, "I was literally told 'you can't write, you can't sing, you can only sing..." Wait... what? He offers the judges his own song called "Shake Yo' Moneymakah" for J-Lo. Wait... what? He's singing "Just Friends" by someone, I think... he's a little annoying, but his voice has that young Usher, Shai kind of sound. Randy the Dawg is all about him. Creepy Uncle Steven loved him. J-Lo looks forward to his music in Hollywood. Three YES votes.

"They enjoyed my presence, they just just just... just just they just just just j-j-just loved me..." Wait... what?

Aubree Dieckmayer, 20, has her family here with her to encourage her to become a singer and America's Next Top Model... whaaaaaaa? The producer says, "Top Model?" and she giggles, tries to recoup and has a hard time spitting out "America's next American Idol".

She's singing "Feeling Good" by... well, she says "Michael Buble", but this is a Nina Simone song, one of my top 20 songs of all time. Yes, Buble does it well, but Nina Simone's version is right, tight and outta sight. This chick does well, really good even, but I don't like her because she's stupid. You can just tell she's an idiot. She's someone who voted for Obama because he seemed cool, and thinks free healthcare is free. She goes to Hollywood, but I'm rooting for her to flame out, because she's a moron.

Nina Simone, Feeling Good. Sounding awesome.

Ali Shields, 19, got on the America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG Show recently, after writing her a song that told her how big of a fan she was. So America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG sent her as part of a correspondent team to some awards show, then got a smacky kiss from Usher and Mike Posner. She is in love with Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler.

And for her audition, she raps. And ghetto booty shakes. Randy the Dawg laughs, and asks her to sing. So finally, Booty Ali busts out with a little tune, and isn't that bad. So far, no one has truly impressed me, though no one has asked me my thoughts. Randy the Dawg says YES, J-Lo says she loves her, and we know that Creepy Uncle Steven loves her.

They show her with her Golden Ticket after the audition. Holy crap she's obnoxious.

Day 2 arrives in San Diego, as do the judges, with J-Lo missing parts of her dress. Creepy Uncle Steven says, "I can't wait to hear 40 people sing the same Adele song for 40 #(*$* hours!"

Kyle Crews is a Kappa Alpha at UC-Berkley and admittedly has a habit of serenading the chicks that come over to the frat house. He's going to sing Monica's "Angel of Mine". I kinda wanted him to be bad, and thought he's got this weird vibrato thing, he's pretty good. He kinda looks like Casio Kid from The Rick & Bubba Show.

A prime example of great lenses, bad frames... great voice, bad voice container. The judges send him to Hollywood. Maybe a Clay Aiken in the makin'.... good one, d$!!

Joanne Childers, 26, is in the middle of her version of Ingrid Michelson's "The Way I Am", a song I really dig, when the ships horn starts blaring. We then see a montage of Idol hopefuls interrupted by various ship sounds, horns and the like.

BACKSTORY ALERT!! Here comes a waitress mom who seems very toothy. And why? Because her dad is Jim Carrey. Her name is Jane Carrey, and she's ready to make her own name. She totally has the same mouth, and The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Her eyes too".

J-Lo says, "I was one of the fly girls! Remember me! I know your dad!" referring to In Living Color from back in the day. Jane Carrey sings, "Something to Talk About"... its not over the top, but its got potential. She gets a YES from everyone and she's off to Hollywood.

Why the frak-a-lak is this chick waiting tables as a single mom? Her dad is Jim Carrey!

A montage of chicks who get Golden Tickets, while "California Gurls" plays in the background...

As the sun sets over the Pacific, more and more contestants leave empty handed... and one remains. Jason "Wolf" Hamlin. He's a golf course mechanic, repairing everything from carts to sprinkler systems. His dad gave him a handmade guitar, so Wolf started playing and singing.

Wolf is doing "Midnight Special" by Creedence, and despite his gruff exterior, Wolf isn't bad. Creepy Uncle Steven wants to hear something else. So Wolf pulls out his git-fiddle, and starts in on "Folsom Prison Blues", always a winner. I kinda like this guy. He seems just humble enough to like, yet he's got some talent. Personally, my favorite audition of the night. Three YES votes sends Wolf on to Hollywood!

In the post-audition interview, he runs his hand over the Idol backdrop and says, "This is why you send a mechanic to Hollywood... to fix the seam!"

And wrapping up San Diego, there are 53 contestants headed to the next round... once again, little bad auditions shown... so, Wednesday, we head to Aspen, Colorado!

The Idol that Saved Pittsburgh

2012-01-19T22:06:00.000-06:00

First... shaaaaameless plug. For those of you who don't know, I co-host a podcast with my buddy Mikey and produced by Tommy Mac, which is downloadable on iTunes, or from our website, The Deucecast (as the podcast is called). I only mention this because last night's show was pretty good, actually, including a heated debate not only on the serious subject of the American education system, but also on the serious subject of whether comedies deserve consideration in awards programs like The Academy Awards. Click to the site to get the show, and give it a listen. Mikey and I's nasally drone can wear thin, but we do what we can.

And as soon as I can figure it out, I'd like to some video podcasts on this here site too... and, a change in address is coming. Great things are afoot at Clouds in My Coffee! Oy!

Now... just saw a commercial on Fox for a show called "The Finder", with Michael Clarke Duncan. Its an indication of how much network tv I've avoided when I tell you that I've never, ever even heard of this show.

Seacrusty is strolling along a suspension bridge, telling us its the first time the show has been in The City of Champions, that being Pittsburgh. You ready?

THIS

AMER

ICAN

IDOL!!!

As usual, the opening montage displays the past Idol winners, and some Idol success stories... thought I am a little surprised when Lee DeWyze shows up--I feel like he's to Idol what the Star Wars Christmas Special is to George Lucas... they just want to forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened.

Right off the bat, its a 22 year old Asian dude who tells the camera he's not sure if he's good enough, and he's not sure if he can be the next American Idol. He says he likes to sing R&B, but is singing "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" by Michael Bolton. His name is Heejun Han, and holy crap... he's actually not bad. Like, he's pretty good. I'm a little shocked here, cause Idol usually sets these guys up to fail bigtime. Wow.

He's better than some of the putzs we heard yesterday, and heck, I'd send him straight to Hollywood. He's like, William Hung with talent! Randy the Dawg loves him, Creepy Uncle Stevie says yes and J-Lo approves.

Speaking of Michael Bolton... I'm a fan. There, I said it. Okay, well, to be more specific, I'm a fan of 1988 through 1995 Michael Bolton. Everything he's done from "Can I Touch You There" and on, I didn't like. But his early solo stuff is fantastic.

I got $90 in iTunes money for Christmas, and this video was one of my first purchases.

I actually started typing out some Mike Bolton stuff, but thought it would be better served as another post. You know, so I can discuss in more length my favorite stuff. Look for that in the next few days, all you Mike Bolton Fans--I'm talking to you, Brad Latta!

We are back from commercial, and the room is filled with those who are ready to sing for Randy the Dawg, J-Lo and Creepy Uncle Steven. Up next is a dude who has been performing with his family for years. Reed Grimm, 26, comes in and actually sings a jazzy version of... yes, the "Family Matters" theme song, complete with scatting. I didn't just make that up. And it was awesome.

Of course, all three YES votes send Reed to the Holly Wood! Kinda reminds me of The Eliminated Casey Abrams.

Aaron Marcelles busts out some "Change is Gonna Come" and sounds awesome. Chase Likens, 20, does some country and isn't as good as the three previous, but still, very good. We see quick clips of people who have made it, including a spitting image of a 20 year old Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Two girls, one who is a self-proclaimed singer. The other is a self-proclaimed "Planker" Yes, she says that she is planking the other chick to Hollywood. Which essentially means, she's lying very still and straight. Thats it. I dislike both of these girls immediately, one for daring to actually tell the nation she is a Planker, and the other for associating with such riff-raff.

I love the fact that as she is walking out with her Golden Ticket, Idol
plays Carrie Underwood's "Flat on the Floor"

They give her a whole segment, but all she's doing is LYING DOWN!!! Dear goodness, I freaking plank every night for at least 4 hours. Geez.

Samantha Novacek sings a little country, with her sister planking in front of her. I'd give Samantha a Golden Ticket just for kicking her idiot sister in the stomach right now. J-Lo loved the song. Creepy Uncle Steven loved the tone, the voice, all that. Randy the Dawg liked the vibe alot. Sammy N gets a YES from all three.

Creepy Uncle Steven says what I--and hopefully you the viewer--had been thinking... "Did her sister really come out here to plank?"

So, I'm assuming the next audition will be terrible. It has to be. We've had a hot streak of several in a row that have been great.. surely they will give us something for fodder, something I can make total borderline inappropriate jokes about.

So this guy decided to write a song on the way to Idol from NYC... Creighton Fraker sings a little ditty about the judges, and has a really, really, reeeeeally annoying voice. Like, really. J-Lo says, "If Timberlake and Jamiroquai had a baby..." That is a perfect analogy.

Creepy Uncle Steven praises him, then asks for another song. The judges are lapping this up... but this guy... he's a diva. He's going to Hollywood and will be a diva. Maybe the Idol Producers know this will make for great drama, but I'm not a fan. I put him with obnoxious Braided Hair Sista from Savannah's audition.

By the way, I really want to see Tom Hardy, Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon in "Spy vs. Spy"... okay, correction, its called "This Means War". I swear I thought this was called "Spy vs Spy"... anyway, it looks kinda fun. And, despite my better judgement, I want to see "One for the Money" with Katherine Heigl. I have not read the books, though they are on my list, and The Lovely Steph Leann is on book six or seven by now. However, Katherine Heigl has burned me so many times on her movies... yet, I still want to see it. Darn you Heigl! Darn you for taking my money on your promises of goodness and consistent deliveries of badness!

Yes, it looks stupid. But fun and stupid.

And we're back. Evan Franckewitz, 15, is our first Beiber of the year. Coming from Ohio, we have a BACKSTORY ALERT! Mom and Dad are so proud--they just said so. Randy the Dawg says, "Who do people say you look like", and he says, "Justin Beiber". Evan... excuse me, its EBEN (who does that to their kid? the only way that name works is if your last name is "flow". Seriously) is going to sing "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers, one of my top 30 favorite songs of all time.

First, its a respectable attempt. Not great, but decent. Secondly, this guy is far, far too white to sing this song. That is a soul song, and this kid, talented as he may be, has no soul. Of course, the judges give him a Golden Ticket. And Idol plays Beiber music as he comes out of the audition room. I predict he ends up crying at some point during Hollywood Week.

Travis Orlando is back! He sang last year, didn't make it very far, and this year is here to sing "Isn't She Lovely". No joke, I think this guy is pretty good. Not incredible, but good. And J-Lo is telling him that he's not getting all of his voice out? Creepy Uncle Steven is saying he's not sure Travis is singing with passion? Really?

BACKSTORY ALERT!! Travis' mom walked out on the family for another man after he left Idol last year, then he got evicted, then his dad got sick and lost his job and they moved into a shelter. Holy crap, really? Perhaps whatshernuts has room in her tent in the woods.

And... THIS MEANS EVERYTHING TO TRAVIS. Original.

Randy the Dawg gives a hesitant YES, and so does J-Lo and Creepy Uncle Steven. This guy sounded better than No Soul Beiber earlier, so I am not sure why the hesitation is there.

Of course, homeless high school drop out Travis is holding an iPhone--and thats at least a 4, if not a 4G, with a very nice case. Hey Travis, thats my tax dollars at work. Your welcome.

And we're back, with J-Lo running late, Creepy Uncle Steven and Randy the Dawg kick off Day Two in Pittsburgh with an impromptu jam session for the Idolites.

Up next, a "mobile DJ", who says she moves in and out of bars for a week or so performing, and she does wedding singing. Erika Van Pelt, 25 , is singing "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow". Okay, so there is a scene in "Spaceballs" where Lone Star (Bill Pullman) and Barf (John Candy) try to rescue Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga). Before they open the door, however, they hear her inside singing "Nobody Knows the trouble I feel... nobody knows but Jesus..." in a very, very low voice. Not quiet, but low in tone. Barf turns to Lone Star and says, "She's a bass!" That was the first thing that popped in my head when Erika Van Pelt starting singing... however... I like her.

She does sing a bit low, but sounds really good. I can't decide if I think she's cute or way un-cute. Its like a mild version of The McGriddle Effect.

She goes on to Hollywood!

Twenty minutes left in this show, and not a single rejection? Whaaaa?

Oh, here we go... they show the faces and reactions of a few rejections, but mostly to highlight a sound-effect box that Creepy Uncle Steven has obtained.

Here comes Shane Bruce, 19, from West Virginia. He's a coal miner. That's miners, not minors. And he's sporting no less than six earrings. We see him entertaining the fellow miners with a version of "In the Still of the Night", and I know one of those guys is thinking "This is the pansiest thing I've ever heard. Pick up a shovel, you wuss."

He's going to sing what he says is a song from "Shrek". You know, "Shrek", that Hallelujah song that plays in there? Of course, he speaks of the legendary Jeff Buckley tune "Hallelujah", featured in "Shrek", but also in a disturbing scene in "Watchmen" and has a ton of plays on my iPod, because its a feeeee-nominal song. Jason Castro also did an incredible, show stopping version of this some years ago.

One of the best Idol performances ever. Also, one of the most depressing songs ever.

Judging from Randy the Dawg's expression, Shane Bruce ain't cutting it. J-Lo nervous bites a pen. Creepy Uncle Steven stares blankly. He takes the rejection well, though... they tell him to work on it, and come back and audition again.

And in a genuine awwww inducing moment, when he comes out, he looks on the verge of tears, and his mom hugs him and whispers, "You'll always be my Idol." Wiping tears, he admits he didn't do as well as he wanted, but wanted to try again. I hope this guy does come back.

Here's the montage of rejections, 53 minutes into the show. Lots of tears, lots of "I want this so bad", lots of "I will be back!".

Finally... the last segment of the night... BACKSTORY ALERT.

Hallie Day, 24, from Baltimore just got married six months ago. She dropped out of high school at 13, moved to New York at 16, became an addict, and finally found her way home, even with no mom or dad around. And after a suicide attempt with some pills, she hit rock bottom. Finally, she met a dude who became her hubby, Ryan.

"He's loved me more than anyone else ever has," says Hallie. That's a pretty good story--good job, Idol. She has to be good, after all this. She's singing "I Will Survive"... not my favorite voice of the night, but a darn sight better than some of the stuff they've sent to Hollywood already, so I'm sure she's headed there.

And she's on her way!

All in all, Pittsburgh sends 38 to Hollywood with the Golden Ticket pass. Next week, on Sunday, its San Diego, California, following the San Fran-NYGiants game... and I'll be there, blogging, with The Lovely Steph Leann on the couch, blanket in hand! And probably Campbell in the other, but still.

Savannah Idol Smiles

2012-01-19T01:40:00.000-06:00

Its a revolution. Its an American institution. Its where Kelly Clarkson came from. Its where Carrie Underwood got her break. Its where Daughtry got famous. After 10 years, another journey is beginning... new voices... new styles... new names... new nicknames... one will be crowd My Next American Idol... and one will be crowned the real American Idol.

"American Idol has been in my life since I was 6 years old!" says one chick... holy crap do I feel old.

Randy Jackson, Randy the Dawg returns. Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, Creepy Uncle Stevie is back. And Jennifer Lopez, J-Lo, is here again. (note: that's the first and last time you'll see their full names used in this season of American Idol).

Well, here we are again... its January, and you know what that means? Its 32 degrees Monday through Wednesday, and 73 through the weekend, right? Its MLK holiday, right? Its only five months to summer, and hence, five months to "The Avengers", right?!

AND...

AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Creepy Uncle Stevie in the pimp suit... J-Lo is the only chick... Randy the Dawg is the black dude... and Seacrusty
brings up the right side with the form-fitting black tee

Let's head to Savannah, Georgia, a sleepy Southern town full of old houses, old people and old living... the sight of one of my all time favorite books, "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" by John Berendt. Thousands of Idoloonies have come to the deep South to make their mark and go through the rigorous audition process to make it to see the judges.

Kicking it off, a youngster who says he's 17... his name is David, but is also called "Mr. Steal Your Girl". He actually hands a chick his cell phone and instructs her to put her number in it. They show a video where he was 2nd in a musical contest with Scotty McCreery, who won... Deep Voiced Scotty won the whole shebang, of course.

Uncle Stevie looks like a pimp.

David Steal Your Girl throws down with a huuuuuge voice on an R&B classic. Not bad, though he still looks like he's 12 years old. Upon request from J-Lo, he sings some obscure Michael Jackson song--the first was better. He's pretty good, and I feel like with a little work, he could be really good.

Gabby Carrubba is next, she's 16, and she's shaking from being so nervous. She is a champion tap dancer, so that helps. And she's excited to meet the dreamy Ryan Seacrest... I mean, who wouldn't be excited for Seacrusty? I would.

Gabby is singing "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5. She hugs Nigel the Producer... she knows who the real power is in the room. All three judges send her straight up to Hollywood.

Seacrusty then introduces a "Good Singer Montage", including our first Whitney Song of the Year--"I Wanna Dance with Somebody". Several Yes votes send a number of chicks and dudes out with their yellow ticket... looks like we are on a hot streak in Savannah!

Twenty minutes in and no bad auditions... this is not boding well for Jessica Whitely, 19, is has a strange speaking voice... J-Lo jinxes Jess Whitely's whole audition by stating, "We've had a really good run this morning...". Were I Jess, I would just leave.

And... its bad. Its awful bad. It sounds like a goofy voice I use sometimes when trying out voices for "Mr Frog and Mr Toad" stories that I'll read to Campbell soon. Bad bad.

Blank stare from the judges, and she knows its over. "Awful", Randy the Dawg deadpans. She says, "I'll see you in Texas, then." Which means she's headed to Texas to audition. Yikes.

Now there's a montage of people trying to imitate Seacrusty... including one guy named Shawn who really played the part out well... dressed to the nines, hair styled like a boss, and a voice to match--he is shown saying all the catch phrases... "The votes are in!"... "Dim the lights!"... "Call or text 1 866 IDOL 001!" Its quite funny, actually.

But he is auditioning, of course. He's singing "Oh Girl" by the Chi-Lites... starts out loud and strong... falls apart halfway through... Randy the Dawg, J-Lo and Creepy Uncle Stevie all say no, complete with a background sound of "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter.

Shannon Magrane, 15, 6 foot tall and looking 22 (Creepy Uncle Stevie has a grin on his face) tells the judges she's the daughter of World Series pitcher Joe Magrane from the late 80s. Her family comes in, Daddy Joe shakes hands with the judges, and Daddy Joe asks Creepy Uncle Stevie, "How are things in Beantown?", to which Creepy Uncle Stevie replies, "Hot and happening... just like your daughter."

Aaaaaand that's why I like to call him Creepy Uncle Stevie.

She sings some jazzy Etta James, which wins me over just about anytime. I love it, perhaps my favorite audition of the night thusfar. Three YESes and she's on her way!

And here comes the bad montage... a big chick ruins a Jessica Simpson song... yes, made it worse... and here's the first butchering of "Rolling in the Deep".

However, in comes Amy Brumfield, 24, hailing from Gatlinberg, TN. She lives in a tent in the woods. Literally, in a tent. Granted, its a large tent, and they have a pretty good set up, but its a tent nonetheless. A tent. Her and her man. Times are tough, but she says, "I'd rather be outdoors and happy than indoors and miserable." She says her boo's mom dressed her up with the jewelry and dress and such.

"Superwoman" by Alicia Keys is the song, and I really want this chick to be good. She sounds good enough to go to Hollywood... but I don't think she'll make it out of there with success. The judges say Yes.

Is it just me or does Amy not seem like she really wants to leave that tent? Its like she's in Occupy Sherwood Forest or something.

Joshua Chavis has a dream to sing the national anthem at a NASCAR race. Guess we have to have goals. And then he just said, "I'm going to leave my nerves out the door with my boyfriend..." I rewound it just to make sure I heard that. I did. He gets gayer every word he says.

You know, its not that he's gay... its that he's obnoxious AND gay. He says his voice is like that of Brad Paisley or Daughtry. Somehow, I doubt it. He's now slaughtering "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. He continues to become more and more gay.

Oy. He's terrible. And he gets no votes of confidence. So what does he do? He does the ol "I'll sing another song and that will impress them!" schtick... and Randy the Dawg is the only one who is really bold enough to say, "Dude, its bad." But Joshua finds comfort in the arms of his boo. His just-as-gay boo.

And the camera follows him as he cries on the phone, shoots the finger and throws a fit.

Fifteen year old Stephanie Renae is almost falling apart, being so nervous. She watched Season 4... when she was 8 years old. Excuse me while I replace the tennis balls on the bottom of my walker.

"Inside Your Heaven" by Carrie Underwood is her song... and its not bad. Starts strong, struggles a bit but hits the big notes. J-Lo tells her to correct the nasally part of her voice, but they tell her they like her voice. Creepy Uncle Stevie says Yes... Randy the Dawg says Not Yet... but J-Lo says Yes, and Stephanie Renae freaks out.

Now, we get to see Skylar Dixon... sister of Colton Dixon... who both auditioned last year. This year, only Skylar is doing it. She's got great hair. The judges force Skylar to go get Colton, which sucks, because he doesn't want to audition... which means that Skylar's chance at the spotlight solo is ruined.

She sings "Break Even" by The Script. I love this chick's voice. And now, they force Colton to sing, which he does. Honestly, he doesn't sound all that great... he's really mumbly. If they judges give Colton a Golden Ticket and not Skylar, I'm going to... well, be mad. But keep watching.

And the judges give both of them a Golden Ticket to Hollywood. So, if Colton advances and Skylar gets cut early... wow, unnecessary drama.

Another montage, this time with tears! Patsy Cline's "I Fall to Pieces" is a perfect tune to play while all these people whimper, yell and go home thinking they were better than anyone else.

BACKSTORY ALERT!! Lauren Mink, 25, works with people with disabilities in a home. I can't tell if I think Lauren is pretty or her face annoys me. Is that bad? What's not bad is her audition... its quite good. Three YES votes and she is on her way!

SAVANNAH DAY TWO

All three judges get back in place for the second day of auditions, and first up, is a dude from South Africa singing "Rascal Flatts". A black dude from South Africa... I feel like there is only about six of them in that country... is apartheid still going on? I dunno.

From the lead up, and the "Rhinestone Cowboy" playing, I can tell this is going to be horrible. Mawuena Kodojo is just that. I don't even recognize this song...

By the way, The Lovely Steph Leann is not here... she's out of town with Campbell and her mommy, but I can just imagine her on the couch at this second... and I imagine that blanket slowly creeping up to cover the face, and her whispering, "Make it stop!"

Randy the Dawg send him out to find people to say he's a good singer--if a few people will say that, Randy will send him to Hollywood. An old man asks him if he's a runner... ha!

Seacrusty finds an old grandpa and four small children to tell Randy the Dawg that Mawuena is good. Randy the Dawg says, "Its still a no." I was so afraid they were going to send him on, like they did with Dave the Jumper Guy some years back.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Sista with long braids.

Got sassy 'tude.

Big glasses. I'm afraid this is going to be a train wreck.

Holy crap.

Colton (L) Dixon is forced to sing, and passes, much to the obvious
chagrin of his sister Skylar (Schylar?) (R). Sista Braided Hair in the middle.

She's... well, she's not too bad. She is doing this freaky "Joy Hop" dance she created. She sang "Come Together", which wasn't perfect, but pretty good... and enough to get herself a Golden Ticket.

Oh, its time for some more bad singers. Though we are only seeing the judges saying no, not hearing the actual auditions. We see them come out of the door empty handed, usually into the arms of family and friends.

WT Thompson is about to sing now... he had to quit his job to audition for Idol. This might be bad. He's got a kid on the way... his wife is 6 and a half months pregnant. Oh my.

I feel like he goes through, but gets cut Day One. Creepy Uncle Stevie says no! J-Lo likes him, says Yes... Randy the Dawg says what I already thought... "Dude, you are going to be eating alive in Hollywood." However, he says Yes.

One hour and 41 minutes in, there isn't a soul that has blown me away just yet...

Montage of how all the women love Creepy Uncle Stevie, including kisses on the young girls lips, and the grandma's lips... and one equally creepy chick named Erica Nowak who says, "He is my future ex-husband."

Randy the Dawg says, "I think they should hug!" and Creepy Uncle Stevie hugs her... and Creepy Stalker Erica grabs his butt. Seriously. She's singing "Super Duper Love" by Joss Stone. I really want her to be terrible, because I don't like her and never want to see her again.

She then hugs Randy the Dawg and touches his butt. She gets no's across the board. Thank the Maker.

NBA Dancer Brittney Kerr comes in, and Seacrusty reminds us that last year, Creepy Uncle Stevie and Randy the Dawg were loving the ladies. She sings another Joss Stone song, well by the way, and the camera actually starts at her shoes and pans all the way up to her head, slowly. Randy the Dawg says Yes, J-Lo says No, and Creepy Uncle Stevie says Yes, as we knew he would.

A quick glance at some we haven't seen til now, and another look at Young David Steal Your Chick. Some dude named Neco killin on some Bruno Mars. Another look at whatshername... I dont feel like scrolling back up to get her name. None are that memorable.

Philip Phillips?

Who names their kids that? What moron parents... that's like me naming my son Juan or my daughter Anita. No can do.

Phillip Phillips stole the show. Kinda has a "John Mayer singing"
vibe about him.

Phillip Squared is our first Guitar Guy of the season. He's going to do a bluesy almost country version of "Superstition". Not bad, but a little screechy for my tastes. He's like something that Taylor Hicks crapped out.

Phillip Squared gets the guitar and then starts playing, singing a country version of "Thriller". I like this guy alot. Alot alot. He wins Savannah for me. And he's headed to Hollywood!

42 singers get a Golden Ticket in Savannah, GA, while thousands more are told "pump it, nimrod."

Tomorrow night... Idol Auditions head to Pittsburgh, PA! Backstory Alert from a guy in a mine! People crying! Unsuspected talent! And, for one guy, this means alot to him.

FINALLY! We find the guy for whom this contest means alot! See you tomorrow.

The 2012 Golden Globe Running Diary

2012-01-16T22:05:00.000-06:00

So here we are, with the Golden Globes once again... in keeping with tradition, I'll blog the show bit by bit... sometimes funny, sometimes boring, rarely funny, mostly boring, it will be a trip nonetheless.

Now, its 9p, and we are starting late. I could go into detail about how we had a great dinner with Melanie and Family, or how when we got home I had to put sheets on the bed and we had to do this and that and the other... however, I'll just use five words that most of you will understand:

We've got a kid now.

That will explain everything.

So, let's get going... Ricky Gervais is hosting again--last year, he got acclaim and criticism for his harsh joking on the celebrities, and though yes, they are people too, its hard to feel too bad when they can dry their tears with their Benjamins and sob into their silk couch cushions. Give me a cool few million and make fun of me, I'm game.

9:07p... Yes, you say "it was 9p, why are you starting the DVR'd show at 9:07? We've got a kid now, that's why.

9:09p... Show has started. Ricky Gervais is out onstage, and I can tell half the stars in the audience are holding their breath, wondering if they are on target. And he's drinking right off the bat. "So, where was I...?" he begins.

909p... "The Golden Globes are just like the Oscars except without all that esteem. I'm Britain's #1 comedian on the 2nd biggest awards show on the America's 3rd biggest network. Fourth? Okay, 4th biggest network..."

909p... Ricky makes a man-parts joke, and the camera shows Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, who are unamused. Then makes a dirty little joke about the film "The Beaver" and Jodie Foster. You see where this is going.

914p... The opening monologue is short, and considerably--and I mean really, really--tamer that last year. Johnny Depp comes out as the first presenter. Ricky asks him, "Johnny... have you seen 'The Tourist' yet?" He's got a point... its a bad, bad movie.

915p... "Hugo" is the first of the nominated Best Drama movies shown. I'm completely on the fence about seeing it, though I've heard its great.

916p... Gerard Butler and Mila Kunis comes out... besides "300", I don't know that Gerard Butler has done anything worth watching. Mila Kunis has actually done some great work, though, "The Book of Eli" and "Friends with Benefits" are great examples.

917p... Best Supporting Actor in a Film. Right before we heard his name, I said aloud "Christopher Plummer gets this". Plummer is nominated for "Beginners", a movie where an old man (Plummer) comes out of the closet after a long, hetero life. He's a legendary actor, but I feel like this movie is this years "The Kids are Alright"... that is, this year's Gay Movie. I expect Plummer to be on the fast track to the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

920p... Chris Plummer is still talking. No "get off the stage" music. I have a feeling that he is on the short list of people that the producers say, "Don't you dare play him off stage..."

How awesome would it be for him to work in how much he hates "The Sound of Music"... because in many interviews, he says just that very thing.

921p... Ashton Kutcher and Elle McPherson come out, doing the award for best actress in a Comedy or Musical. So far, we've got Enlightened, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, The Big C and something else that I don't watch... Laura Dern gets it for Enlightened, an HBO show that I've never seen, but I'm sure is enjoyed by dozens of people every week. Expect HBO to rack the heck up tonight. Personally, I'd like to see Laura Linney get it, because I do like me some Laura Linney.

923p... "I like this dress she's got on. Not the belt". Thanks to The Lovely Steph Leann for the insight.

Julianne Moore is on my short list of people, along with Amy Adams,
DiCaprio, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise that deserve an Oscar at some point.

924p... Something for each of us. Rob Lowe, a member in good standing of The Colin Firth Club, while for me, Julianne Moore and her awesome red hair. The prompter fails, and someone hands the banter script to Julianne Moore.

925p... The nominees for Best TV Movie or Mini-Series. "Cinema Verte"... "Downton Abbey"... "The Hour"... "Mildred Pierce"... "Too Big to Fail"... I've only seen the last of those films, and it was pretty good, but not a major masterpiece to me. I kinda feel like "Too Big to Fail" was that movie "New Years Eve" except with a smarter cast. The winner? "Downton Abbey", some show on PBS about old school England, which can pretty much guarantee that I will NEVER watch the show.

927p... The producer from "Downton Abbey" is speaking, and he's saying that ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

928p... Rob and Julianne are back for Best Actress in TV Movie or Mini-Series. Who will win this? Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce". That's my guess... and? Kate Winslet. Anytime my dear Kate wins an award, I'm all for it. She deserves 293 Golden Globes and about 102 Oscars. Perhaps one of the top five most talented actresses alive today.

930... Christopher Plummer gets as long as he wants to talk. Apparently Kate Winslet hasn't gotten to that status yet... she is played off stage. Frieda Pinto comes out to introduce "Midnight in Paris". The only reason I haven't seen this movie is that Woody Allen directed it--and I am not a Woody Allen fan at all.

933p... Jeremy Irons escorts the Hollywood Foreign Press Prez Dr. Something Somethingsomething. The HFP is the group that does these awards every year, but I couldn't tell you anything else about them. The camera pans to Madonna, leading The Lovely Steph Leann to say, "Why is Madonna there? What the heck?"

934p... Jake Gyllenhaal. He's out to introduce "My Week With Marilyn", another nominated film in the Drama category. Another one I haven't seen.

This picture doesn't do Paula Patton's dress justice, as here
its muted. It looked like a highlighter machine threw up
all over her.

936p... Ricky Gervais comes out again, making a joke about his agent and God, sparking an uncomfortable chuckle in the room-here and there. Melissa McCarthy and Paula Patton come out, and the TV is filled with Paula's bright yellow dress. Best Actor TV Series Drama. All five shows I don't watch. And the winner? Starz gets one! Kelsey Grammar wins for "Boss"! Take that HBO!!

937p... Wait... does the Hollywood Foreign Press know that Kelsey Grammer is not playing "Frasier" anymore? Is this why he won?

939p... Now the nominees for Best TV Series Drama. Another set of shows I don't watch, though I think "Homeland" will be something we pick up... And "Homeland" wins! I'm going to stick that in our Netflix queue.

942p... Adam Levine ("The Voice" plug!!) and Jimmy Fallon come out now. The award for Best Song and Best Score is up. Levine and Fallon are doing a schtick, and the camera shows George Clooney, who isn't even cracking a slight smile. Best Score is first. All five movies I've never seen. My guess is "The Artist" and... I'll be right. The Lovely Steph Leann remarks, "I'm a little disappointed in all of those nominees..."

945p... The winner is a Frenchman, and he says in broken English, "I'm sorry... I'm French..." and then tries to make a joke in broken English. Doesn't work. Best Song award is next... Gnomeo and Juliet's song... Machine Gun Preacher's song... Albert Nobbs' song... The Help's song... W.E.'s song... which is from Madonna, which makes both of us go, "Ahh... thats why she's there."

947p... Madonna wins. Leads to this exchange:

Her: What is "W.E."? I haven't heard of half these movies! When did that happen!
Me: Uh... we have a kid now.
Her: And her dress? Its horrible.

950p... Who the heck is this chick? Upon seeing this foreign chick's dress, The Lovely Steph Leann doesn't say a word... she just slightly gasps.

951p... Debra Messing AND My Girl McPhee? Holy crap. Best Actor in TV Movie or Mini-Series. Winner? Idris Elba in... "Luther"? Is that the name of it? I know this guy as the Gatekeeper guy in "Thor".

953p... Brad Pitt walks out. Millions of women my age collapse in a tizzy. He introduces "The Ides of March", which was a great movie.

Beckinsale's face is genuine--she had no idea Seth was going to say it

955p... Seth Rogan and Kate Beckinsale walk out together... and Seth deadpans, "I'm Seth Rogan and I'm currently trying to conceal a..."... well, he says he's turned on. Kate is cracking up, so I'm not sure that line was planned. Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, winner is Michelle Williams. She will now be the second-runner to Meryl Streep in the Best Actress Race. A chick from Dawson's Creek takes home a Golden Globe.

955p... Seth Rogan's one inappropriate joke > Ricky Gervais' entire monologue thusfar.

958p... Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Geller come out for Best Supporting Actor in TV Series, Mini Series or TV Movie. Winner? Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones, for which he also won the Emmy some months back. That's awesome... Short People Rule! Dinklage says, "My mom said to me 'Have you seen Mildred Pierce? Its so good! Guy Pierce is going to win!'"

1001p... Ricky comes back out, drink in hand, introducing George Clooney, who walks out with a cane. He introduces "Moneyball", another fantastic movie... like "The Ides of March", I think its a movie that gets better the more I think about it, and I'm looking forward to seeing both of them again.

1003p... Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba come out--I'm not sure putting both of their talents together would equal the right fingers of Kate Winslet or Colin Firth. But hey, Channing was awesome in "She's the Man", right? Right.

1003p... Best Animated Film, and honestly, I don't think there was a whole lot of strong animated movies. "Cars 2" is nominated, but without a strong Pixar movie to win, I don't know who takes it. "Rango", maybe? The winner? "The Adventures of Tintin", a movie that could care less about seeing.

1004p... I would imagine this award means as much to Steven Spielberg as his Blockbuster Entertainment Awards.

1006p... Ewen McGregor comes on the stage, introducing a wonderful movie as a best comedy nominee, "50/50". I think more people should see this movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogan and Anna Kendrick are awesome, and this movie appears on the first post of The Coolest 100 Things of 2011.

1008p... Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman for Screenplay. "Midnight in Paris"... "The Ides of March"... "The Artist"... "The Descendants"... "Moneyball". And the Golden Globe goes to... Woody Allen for "Midnight in Paris", who isn't there. Uncomfortable.

1009p... Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy, a real life couple, does a little song together that gets a huge applause. Very cute. Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Seires or TV Movie. The winner is... Jessica Lange for "American Horror Story", a show I've never seen, but I've heard its scary and weird and awesome.

The Lovely Steph Leann: Her dress is an American Horror Story on its own.

Another American Horror Story? The fact that Jessica Lange also won a Golden Globe for the 70s version of "King Kong". Wow, what a crappy film.

1013p... Back with Ricky, who introduces "The queen of pop... no, not you Elton John... she's 'like a virgin", then coughs loudly. Madonna comes out, saying "If I'm like a virgin, come over and do something about it--I haven't kissed a girl in a while." There is laughter, but not much. Foreign Film nominees. The winner? "A Separation" from Iran. I wonder if they checked the cast and producers for bombs as they came in. I also wonder if he publicly calls the US "The Great Satan", if Sean Penn would hop on stage and hug him.

1016p... Dustin Hoffman, Hollywood legend! This is Best Actress TV Series Drama. The Lovely Steph Leann and I both cheer when Callie Thorn is announced as a nominee for "Necessary Roughness"... what a great show. Claire Danes wins for "Homeland"! I like Claire Danes. What a lovely lady.

1022p... Emily Blunt comes out to introduce "Bridesmaids", one of my favorite films of 2011. Absolutely hysterical.

1023p... Jane ~~Lesbian~~ Lynch and Tina Fey come on stage to do Best Actor TV Series Comedy or Musical. Or as Jane says, "Music-Cal". The winner is... Matt Le Blanc for "Episodes", as he plays a parody of himself. Four nominations, all for Friends, but no wins... good times.

Dr. Drake Remore gets a Golden Globe. I love it.

1026p... People's "Sexiest Man Alive", Bradley Cooper is here to introduce the Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Octavia Spencer will win this... and the winner is... Octavia Spencer. She looks humble, but she had to know she was the front runner for this--and the Oscar now. She gets a partial standing ovation from the crowd, and is stopped by like, 9 people on the way to the stage.

Me: This is going to be a speech about black women everywhere.
The Lovely Steph Leann: Of course it is.

Yup. Four seconds in, and we get a Martin Luther King reference.

For anyone who has seen that movie, would you be a little apprehensive if she served chocolate pie at her award party?

1030p... Reese Witherspoon. Yeah! Let me tell you, I'm guessing she won't be doing the Bend & Snap in that dress.

She introduces "The Descendants", a movie that I really, really want to see, mostly because I know its one of maybe two leads for Best Picture for the Academy Awards. And with George Clooney at his table? Stacy Kiebler, former WCW and WWE Diva. Rock on!

1031p... Sidney Poitier comes out to award Morgan Freeman with the CC DeMille Award... Sidney is given a huge standing ovation. I know I'm getting old because no longer are these lifetime awards given to the 50s and 60s stars like Deborah Kerr or Spencer Tracy or Burt Lancaster... no, we are watching actors that we've grown up with get LIFETIME Achievement Awards. Wow.

And Morgan Freeman is so deserving of this very thing. What a phenomenal actor, and what an incredible narration voice. Helen Mirren comes out and says, "I have had a few glasses of wine, so excuse me when I complain that Morgan Freeman has been in over 50 films and I've only been in one."

I wonder if they asked Morgan Freeman to narrate the Morgan Freeman
tribute. I want him to narrate my funeral. Can anyone help with that?

Among the many awesome movies Morgan Freeman has done, here is My Favorite Morgan Freeman Roles:

10) Lucius Fox in "Batman Begins" & "The Dark Knight"
9) Azeem in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"
8) Hoke Colburn in "Driving Miss Daisy"
7-tie) Jim in "Hard Rain"
7-tie) Joe Matheson in "Red"
6) God in "Bruce Almighty"
4) Ned Logan in "Unforgiven"
3) Det. William Somerset in "Se7en"
2) Rawlins in "Glory"
1) Red in "The Shawshank Redemption"

He truly is one of the Greatest American Actors Ever. Hats off to you, Mr. Freeman.

The Lovely Steph Leann also points out that he does the voice of The Hall of Presidents--true. And despite the presence of He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, that makes it great.

1046p... Robert Downey Jr is here to introduce "The Artist", a movie I think I want to see, but I'm not sure.

1048p... Angelina Jolie comes out, and hardens my resolve that I not find her attractive, ever. She looks ghastly. Best Director... Ides of March... Midnight in Paris... The Descendants... Hugo... The Artist... and the winner is... Martin Scorcese for Hugo. Very interesting...

The Lovely Steph Leann: Angelina's arms are so teeny. Like, the size of Campbell's arms.

1051p... Ricky again. "I can't wait to introduce Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas! I think they are interesting, I'm not sure because I [NBC bleeps out what he says]". Salma and Antonio come out, and the entire bit by them is silenced. Even the nominees for Best TV Series Comedy or Musical is quiet. The picture goes haywire... and Modern Family wins the award. What the heck?

1054p... Michelle Pfieffer, a legendary Hollywood beauty, comes out to introduce "War Horse". With no desire to see this film, I think I've realized I'm not a fan of horse movies. I've never seen, nor do I care to see, "Secretariat", "Sea Biscuit", "Sand Biscuit Hidalgo", "Black Beauty" or any of those. "Hot to Trot" was kinda funny, though.

I put Jessica Biel in the Angelina Jolie All Stars for me--that is,
those chicks who the world tells me that I'm supposed to be
all hot for, but I don't see the appeal. Sorry.

1055p... Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel comes out, and The Lovely Steph Leann gives the line of the night... "Ugh! That dress! Its like she has a third boob!" Its true. Its like Jess Biel is a Sister Wife.

The winner for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical goes to Jean Dejlua?idh for "The Artist".

1058p... Queen Latifah is introduced, and she's introducing "The Help" as a nominee for Best Movie.

1101p... Ricky is out again, introducing Colin Firth. The Lovely Steph Leann swoons. Ricky Gervais then makes fun of the fact that Colin Firth is talented, acclaimed and loved by all. "But what you don't know is that he's very racist. Here's the evil Colin Firth!" Best Actress in a Drama Movie... the winner is... Meryl Streep of course. That's my prediction, anyway... so, the actual winner is: Meryl Streep. We knew this. She says, "I'm so glad that Ricky Gervais' deal fell through and they came to me to play Margaret Thatcher..." I think she curses again, because the sound cuts out. This is NBC, though.

1105p... Meryl is still talking. She gets that "extra long speech time", though the music just kicked in.

1106p... Jane Fonda follows suit onto the stage, now is giving the award for Best Musical or Comedy. 50/50... The Artist... Bridesmaids... Midnight in Paris... My Week with Marilyn... and we know this. The Artist picks up another win. I dunno if a dog has anything to do with the movie, but there is a puppy onstage that some of the cast is playing with.

1110p... Ricky Gervais now brings out Natalie Portman, who won last year for Black Swan, a movie I haven't seen and am on the fence about. Best Actor Movie Drama. George Clooney... Leo DiCaprio... Michael Fassbender... Brad Pitt... Ryan Gosling... the Golden Globe goes to... George Clooney for "The Descendants". Another predictable winner tonight.

1114p... This must be the final award of the night, because it brings out cranky Harrison Ford, and they are rushing through this list of Best Drama Movie... and the winner is... "The Descendants". Right here, right now, I call it--a two film race for Best Picture at the Academy Awards between this and The Artist, with The Descendants getting it.

And that is your 2012 Golden Globes! I know, I know, its a day late, its hurried, and I'm sure I missed some stuff... but hey...

We've got a kid now.

Shaking Finebaum's Hand

2012-01-12T20:24:00.001-06:00

Its 342p on a Thursday when I type this. My story takes us way back, back about three hours to about 1245p today. The day that I met Paul Finebaum.

Now, to say I'm a full fledged Finebaum fan is a bit of a stretch. I enjoy his show, and because many days I get off around 2pm in the afternoon from my job, I listen in the car. Sometimes I don't go straight home, making errand runs to the library or Target or Wal-Mart or wherever else I need to go before coming home... and in those times, I will flip the SiriusXM over to 94.5 Jox Sports Radio.

And let me tell ya, after a big win or a big loss for any of the state's big college teams, like Auburn, or ESPECIALLY Alabama, The Paul Finebaum Show might be the most entertaining time anywhere. Because those fans that most people would prefer to remain hidden, even if they are rooting for the same team, come out of the woodwork to either complain about the officiating which caused the loss, about the sore loserdom of the other team, especially if its Auburn, or to congratulate their own team, coupled with bad officiating that almost cost them the game, plus the sore loserdom of the other team.

Many of these callers are people who call just about every day--heck, I can't even find time to blog more than two or three times per week, and some of the fans sit on hold for what must be an hour or more two, three, five times a week just to get on the air and share sometimes what amounts to 40 seconds with Finebaum. And sometimes they call just to answer, even challenge, each other. Occasionally, it gets personal.

So, I'm in the store, standing behind a big espresso machine, making some mocha, steaming some milk, pulling some perfectly timed shots, and a spindly, short guy with glasses and a smooth dome came in. He stood in line behind two women who were taking their time ordering, yet he seemed to be fine with the wait.

That looks like... wow... is that... ?

I had on a headset, so I pressed the button to talk to my fellow baristas, Melanie and Scotty2Hottie. I whispered, "Is that Paul Finebaum?"

Melanie came back and said, "Whaaaa?" in a way that wasn't "Finebaum? What?!" but more of a "what did you say?"

I whispered a little louder, a little slower, a little more articulate, "Is... that... Paul... Finebaum?"

Melanie: Whaaa?

So, here's how I felt...

Here's Chandler Bing. Trapped in an ATM Vestibule. With Jill Goodacre.

You know that episode of Friends, the one that came on in November of 1994, the one called "The One with the Blackout"? Chandler Bing is in an ATM vestibule (is it a vestibule? maybe its an atrium? Well, Jill says "vestibule", we go with "vestibule") when then-supermodel Jill Goodacre (who then, and now, is Mrs. Harry Connick Jr) comes in. A blackout happens, trapping them both, as the automatic doors are locked. Surprised by his good fortune, he calls Monica, but not wanting to alert Jill Goodacre that he's talking about her, he says in a voice that can only be duplicated if you clinch your teeth together, talk low and do your best to not move your lips while saying the follwing line:

I'm trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre

Monica replies, "What?"

Chandler sighs and says, "I'm trapped... in... an ATM vestibule... with Jill Goodacre.."

Monica replies, "Chandler, I have no idea what you are saying?!"

Chandler shouts, "Oh, put Joey on the phone!"

Joey gets on the phone, says, "Whats up buddy?" and when Chandler says, "I'm trapped... in an ATM vestibule... with Jill Goodacre!" Joey says to Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe, "Chandler's trapped in an ATM vestibule with JILL GOODACRE?!?"

Yeah, that was me today.

Is that Paul Finebaum?

What? Whaaa?

Is that Paul Finebaum?

Finally, Melanie says, "Yeah! That's Paul Finebaum! He comes in here alot in the midday."

Wait... what? Paul Finebaum frequents the store I spend 45 hours in per week, and this is the first time I've seen him? How did I miss this?!

Anyway, the visit was brief... he bought a grande cup of Pike Place, though I did manage to go over and shake his hand, introduce myself and tell him I enjoyed catching the show, especially days after big games for Alabama. He laughed and said, "You shoulda heard Tuesday's show", and I replied, "Oh, I did... thats why I said that."

He chatted for what was less than 45 seconds or so, I noticed it was close to 1, and I assumed he was headed to the station to get ready for his show. Sad, though, because there is one question about the Bama nation I wanted to ask him.

This is a question I've posed to several Bama fans and have gotten varied answers from "you might be onto something" to "there's no way...", but if I have three minutes to talk to Finebaum, here's what I want to ask him:

We know that Roger Staubach, Bart Starr and Terry Bradshaw were fantastic quarterbacks. We know this from stories, from anecdotes, from marred highlight reels and scratchy video, from stories told by commentators that we know and trust. We cannot know their greatness from watching them play, because either they played before some of us were even born, or at least before we were old enough to be congnizant of what a good QB looks like.

Conversely, we know that Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers are fantastic quarterbacks. We know this not only from those stories, from those anecdotes, from HD highlights run 40 times each on SportsCenter, but also from watching them play. We know their greatness, because we've seen it with our own eyes.

Now, take Bear Bryant. My generation knows nothing of The Bear except for what we've been told. We read the books, we see the movies, we hear the stories told by those who were there, or by those who knew someone who was probably there. We trust these sources, but we cannot really speak to our own witness, as we were too young, or maybe not alive.

Finally, here is Nick Saban. Two championships in three years, fielding teams that are arguably some of the most dominant ever (did you see what they did to LSU's supposed juggernaut?). He does not have a team that lucks out with one great player leading them to a title, a la Auburn, he has built a team that frankly, as a fan of The Go Gators, worries me a bit, because as Alabama and Florida meet in the next five straight SEC Championship games, Alabama will probably win 3.

We don't just hear of his greatness, the evidence is there. Like him, love him, hate him, he's got skillz.

So, my question for Finebaum, and for you, Bama Nation, is this: How many titles does Saban have to bring home to Tuscaloosa before the next generation looks at and reveres Saban based solely on what they have heard about him like this generation looks at and reveres Bear Bryant? And, do you think this generation already looks at Saban as a Bear Bryant equal, even if they don't want to admit it, lest they be committing blasphemy?

Deep discussion and hard hitting questions is why you read Clouds in My Coffee... well that, and the uncanny ability to link Finebaum, Saban and Chandler Bing in the same post. I rule.

Things I Think I Think

2012-01-05T21:29:00.000-06:00

Here are my thoughts while putting up ornaments and listening to "The Social Network" on Starz West, playing in the background...

Okay, well, "The Social Network" was about nine hours ago... now I'm watching "Cedar Rapids", with a B-List cast of Ed Helms, John C. Reilly, Anne Heche and Milton from Office Space.

Honestly, I really thought this movie would be funny... it was billed as an independent comedy, with Ed Helms playing a naive, nerdy insurance agent being sent to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, for a conference, where he meets other agents, some good and bad, who influence him in good and bad ways... the movie has been on for about 50 minutes, and I honestly haven't laughed one single time. Ed Helms is so dorky in this movie its almost unbearable, John C. Reilly, normally someone who delivers, is way over the top as the crude, raunchy Dean Z, and Anne Heche is the only likable person in this entire movie. And though I have nothing against Anne Heche, when Anne Heche is the only likable person in your movie, its not a good time. Bad times.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Wanna make a billion dollars? Invest in a McDonald's or Chick-fila franchise. Then make breakfast available all day. Or even until 1032am, because that seems to be the time I arrive there wanting my McGriddle combo, or a 4 count chicken mini pack... I've even heard a chick at Chick-fila tell a customer who asked about breakfast--at 1032 no less--"We cut it off right at 1030". Seriously? Can you not just sell me the biscuit you are about to throw out like, right now?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

So now its 2012. According to the Mayan calendar, or at least what everyone tells me the Mayan calendar says, the world will end in December. Right now its not so bad... but come October, the amount of times you'll hear something about "the end of the world" and/or Mayan calendar is going to be close to 1,397 times per day.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Saw a Facebook picture that said this, and its glorious:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Okay, enough with the rich people suck deal. When EVERYONE who should be paying taxes is paying taxes, then we can discuss whether the "rich" should pay more than they are paying right now. So get the other 49% of non-taxpayers on board doing their fair share, and we'll talk.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Once socks come off my feet, they are done. I can wear a pair for a 9 hours shift at Starbucks, have them spotted, maybe even wet with everything from mocha splatter to mop water, and when I get home, just change from my black work sneaks to my regular sneaks, same socks. But when I take them off, I cannot put them back on. However, if I toss on a pair of socks just to give me a padding between my bare feet and shoes just for the 10 minute trip to CVS and back, when they are off the feet... they are done. I don't put on a pair of socks that I have worn previously, since the last wash.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

First world problem. My earbuds broke. I don't use the iPod earbuds that came standard, I choose to use a pair of Sonys that I got hooked on some years back. They just fit. However, a quick dinner at Milo's proved to be fatal... with a fumble of the hands, my earbuds slipped, crashed onto the hard tile floor, and the left one came apart. I managed to put it back together, but now the sound difference in the left and right is unbearable. Went to Wal-Mart tonight, almost settled for a pair of JVCs as they were out of the Sonys, but I will hold strong. Target is in my immediate future, at least tomorrow. First world problem indeed.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

That awkward moment when standing in a Wal-Mart check-out line, your thirsty, you grab a drink from the nearby cooler, and before you even get to the cashier, you realize its not Mello Yello.... its, in fact, Mello Yello Zero.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

That new fad of describing awkward situations by using a sentence that doesn't have a subject, and only begins with the predicate, making it more of a clause than a sentence.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I have yet to hear a Nicki Minaj song. And I'm quite fine with that.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I also had yet to hear "Friday" by Rebecca Black until about two hours ago, listening to The Adam Carolla Podcast, it was playing in the background as a humorous addition to a humorous bit. So now I've heard at least part of "Friday". Yup, its that bad.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

So have you seen the Alumi-Wallet? Its simply a hard shell wallet, made of supposed aluminum, and supposedly indestructible. I'm here to tell you--its a piece of crap. Retailing for about $10, it does in fact have that hard shell, almost looking like a teeny tiny metal briefcase, you know, those ones that drug dealers put $1,000,000 in cash inside of before passing it off to the undercover agent who is wearing a wire... got me? Good. Anyway, you open it up with this little plastic clasp, and its like an accordion file, with maybe 10 pockets. Each can hold a card or two, maybe a bill or two, but you dare not put too many cards (or too many bills, which is not a problem I have) in at one time--it wont close.

Plus, knock it over while its open and everything falls out... there's nothing to secure the wallets contents. And the worst part is, the commercials show a car rolling over it and everything inside staying safe... well, I didn't roll Red Robin over it. But I did drop it once, the clasp broke and now it won't close. I don't recall my old wallet, a cheap leather job, failing to close or be secure when dropped. Not a fan.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

And finally... when I take down this Christmas tree in our house, I find myself thinking over and over that this tree is more trouble than its worth, and that I don't ever want to put it up again... does anyone else feel this way? Anyone? Just me? Okay.

Ethan Hunt Runs Funny, and Alot (aka, MI4)

2012-01-03T21:17:00.000-06:00

When I'd heard that they were doing a 4th MI movie, I was a little worried. The first film, simply titled "Mission: Impossible", was awesome. The scene where Jean Reno's character is lowering a harnessed Ethan Hunt into a secure room to get the secret files (aren't they always secret files? and they used to be on a floppy disk!) is one of the most intense, enjoyable, well executed scenes in action moviedom.

The second film wasn't all that great for me, while JJ Abrams' take on the series, MI3, was passable, if not pretty good.

"Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol" surpasses the 3rd film, far surpasses the 2nd film, and in some ways, beats the first one. I daresay that MI4GP might be the best of the entire series, and I don't say that lightly, because again, I really enjoyed the first one.

I like Tom Cruise. He features prominently in not one, not two, but three of my 100 favorite films... "A Few Good Men" (25th)... "Minority Report" (36th)... and "Jerry Maguire" (87th)... and on The Dave250 list, he's got a few more, like "Collateral" (102nd, though upon further examination, this might end up in The Dave100)... "The Firm" (152nd)... and of course, the original "Mission Impossible", listed as my 246th favorite film of all time.

Of course, I do love Fun Tom Cruise, like I discussed in my review of "Knight and Day", and I think in MI4, action Tom Cruise merges with Fun Tom Cruise, making Ethan Hunt's return much welcome.

Ethan leads off with his team, this time with tech nerd Benji (an impish Simon Pegg, picking up where his young Scotty in "Star Trek" left off), Jane (Paula Patton who I'll get to in a minute) and agent turned desk jockey turned agent Brandt (Jeremy Renner) who, as they always do, has something to hide, something that's revealed later in the film...

The Kremlin is all blowed up and the IMF team is blamed, then "disavowed" from the US government. Essentially, they have no back up, no support, no help, and are now on the run from those wanting to arrest them and bring them in. As they try to clear their name, they travel the Middle East from Moscow to Dubai, getting involved with nuclear codes and Russki bad guys--and I'm so happy that we have Russians as the bad guys again, like in every 80s action movie ever, and like those movies, the Russkies have nuclear codes!

There is a vicious sandstorm to deal with, Ethan Hunt runs alot, great fight sequences, and an incredible scene where Ethan is using power-adhesive gloves to stick to the outside of a window near the top of one of the tallest buildings in the entire world.

Hey MI5 filmmakers... we need Luther in a prominent role

My two faults with the movie are simply this... I think Paula Patton is a good actress, as noted in my review of "Just Wright" and "Jumping the Broom", but my problem--and this is me, not her acting--is that I've seen her in a few movies playing the spoiled princessy brat chick. Its hard watching her make a transition to action star. Every time she talks to a member of the IMF team, I pictured her cozying up to Common.

Secondly, where the heck is Ving Rhames? His character of Luther was a mainstay in this franchise! I'm not going to spoil it for you and say he is or is not in the film, but we should have lots of Luther.

Overall, this is a great movie, and more importantly for a movie like this, its a FUN movie. One of my favorite ten films of 2011. Loved it.

Jumping the Broom

2012-01-01T23:29:00.000-06:00

One problem I faced while working at The Happiest Place in the Mall all those years ago (its been almost two years? wow...) was defending the honor of Pixar... many times someone would come in asking for a piece of crap like "Valiant" or "Doogal" or "Happily N'Ever" after, and when I tell them that first of all, those movies suck, secondly, they are idiots for wanting those movies because their kids would never, ever want those movies (unless they are in a coma...) and third, those aren't Disney movies anyway, someone would invariably go "Oh, that's not a Pixar movie? I thought it was." After I punched them in the throat and begged them not to cast a ballot in the next presidential elections, I explained that no, those aren't Pixar.

No ma'am, "Doogal" is not Pixar. Please get out of my store. Don't ever
come back.

Sidebar--"Valiant" is not a Disney film, per se--it was produced by British movie company Vanguard--it was released in the US by Walt Disney Pictures. Full disclosure and all.

It is this same "guilty by only slightly similiar" mentality that I think plagued black filmmakers when doing comedies or black family movies. Its quite possible that if I worked for the BET store in the mall, any and all black films that we sold would be immediately thought of as Tyler Perry movies, no matter what. I personally have never seen a Tyler Perry movie, but only because I just never got to it. I always thought "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" looked like an interesting story, but never enough to make me seek it out.

And Tyler Perry has two camps... people who like 'em and people who don't. Unfortunately for movies like "Jumping the Broom", I think people will avoid this because they think Medea is going to pop up somewhere out of a wedding cake... and thats sad, really, because this film is actually quite charming.

"Jumping the Broom" tells the story of a brotha', Jason (Laz Alonzo), who comes from a poorer side of town, and his fiance, Sabrina (Paula Patton), who comes from a well to do family that seemingly has a whole lotta money. The movie takes place over the course of the weekend of their wedding, and not only shows the struggle of Jason and Sabrina, but also their mothers, Mrs. Taylor (Loretta Devine) and Mrs. Watson (Angela Bassett).

Its a family movie, with TD Jakes playing a small role as the reverend, and even shows Sabrina doing her best to wait until marriage for she and Jason to consummate. Kinda refreshing, actually. Matter of fact, the names of God and Jesus are used frequently, and... okay, get ready for this... some of the characters... PRAY.

Like, not silly, stupid, mocking prayers... but actually, talking to God, asking for help, giving praise kind of prayers.

The ensemble cast also includes Julie Bowen (the token white girl, as a wedding coordinator in over her head), Gary Dourdan as Chef (its nice to see Warrick Brown getting some work after his untimely death on CSI), Romeo as a young Romeo no longer "Lil", and Mike Epps, as Uncle Willie Earl in a surprising role--he plays the wise, sage uncle. The Lovely Steph Leann even said, "I expected Mike Epps to be the thug, but he's actually kinda cool in this..."

Paula Patton

The story is light and fun, it moves along quickly and has several great laughing moments, though I will say what Mrs. Taylor does towards the end of the movie isn't met with enough consequences--her actions are horrible, and I'd like to think in the real world, she would get flat out shunned from the wedding. Just sayin'.

Anyway, the title itself comes from an old wedding ceremony custom where a new bride and groom literally jump over a broom-type article laid at the alter to officialize their union.

By the way, Paula Patton? A great romantic comedy lead. She was perfectly bratty in "Just Wright" and here, she's a great almost-bratty bride. However, I'm really struggling with her as an action star in "Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol".

But we'll get to that review in a few posts.

Anyway, check out "Jumping the Broom", its worth the 90 minutes.

An Amanda Seyfried Double Feature

2012-01-01T22:42:00.000-06:00

I really, really wanted to like this movie. Justin Timberlake is turning into a fine actor, while I really am beginning to dig Amanda Seyfried, and this movie's premise seemed pretty cool.

In the not so distant future, there is no money used for the procuring goods--its time. Notably, minutes and seconds, sometimes hours and days. A car will cost you a few months. When you are born, you are given unlimited time until age 25, then you are given one year. If you are of great wealth, you have lots and lots of time. If you are poor, then you have little. Once your time runs out, you have nothing. And then you die. And the time is kept in some sort of digital countdown clock embedded on your arm.

JT plays Will, who, like many people in his poor side neighborhood, lives day to day, sometimes getting only enough hours to last until the next day. He runs into a dude who has nothing left to live for, and manages to give JT a few hundred years to work with before he offs himself. The police think that JT murdered the guy, and the chase is on.

Will ends up in the rich district, where he meets up with Amanda Seyfried's Sylvia, and up until now, its an imaginative movie with great effects, great story and really solid premise. And somewhere around the halfway point, it just turns into a getaway-chase film, where Will and Sylvia try to avoid the task squad set up to find them, led by Cillian Murphy's detective Raymond Leon.

The cast is good, and again, I do like Timberlake, and he gives a good performance as Will. Seyfried's Amanda is just quirky enough to be really cute, and Murphy's Detective Leon makes a great adversary for our main characters.

Don't avoid Amanda Seyfried. Just avoid this movie. Or
both of them.

The movie just mires itself down in becoming something it shouldn't, going from a creative movie to a standard, predictable romantic action movie. Too bad.

And speaking of Amanda Seyfried... "Red Riding Hood"? Bad movie. Just a crappy film all around. The premise was good, a dark retelling of the legend of the Big Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood, but unlike "In Time", it doesn't even start good. I don't even want to tell you how this movie unfolds, mostly because its late and I don't want to rehash it. Just avoid it.

Battle Los Angeles

2012-01-01T22:23:00.000-06:00

This is the second of what I called the Calm Campbell Double Feature. While The Lovely Steph Leann got some much sleep, I took Campbell and held him while he slept. And while he was sleeping, I was watching movies. The first was "Rubber", the second was this glorified war movie that replaced Russkies or Germans with alien beings, that being "Battle Los Angeles".

It tells the story of Sgt. Michael Nantz (a growly, grizzly Aaron Eckhart) who has a past (they always have something that went wrong) and has submitted his retirement, yet is pulled back in when a large legion of aliens storm Earth's atmosphere, ID4 style.

Nantz finds himself helping a platoon of soldiers, led by a guy fresh out of boot camp, as they weave their way through Los Angeles in a desperate attempt to find a weakness to the oncoming swarth of sentient beings. There are lots of explosions, several deaths of characters you've been introduced to, and we meet the token citizens that the troops are expected to rescue.

~~Michelle~~ Bridget Moynahan (sorry, I can't keep up with the Moynahans) pops up as a vet (of animals, not of wars) and Michelle Rodriguez does her usual tough chick schtick, this time as a special ops soldier who has a plan to get rid of the enemy.

Of course, we find out the secret that Nantz is hiding, and how one of the soldiers in the squad resents Nantz for that mistake long ago, which is a misunderstanding, of course.

Anyway, the movie is just eh. Its a war film with aliens, really, and nothing more. The story is predictable, the characters are mostly uninteresting and the whole movie is drab and grainy. The battle scenes, however, are glorious and the effects are spectacular, and I like how they portray the aliens as simply an invading force to be defeated.

If you want to see alien battles, though, skip this and go straight to Independence Day. Its funnier, its more lively and Will Smith is a far better lead than Aaron Eckhart, at least in this type film.

However, R&B superstar Ne-Yo does play a decent role in this movie, so if you love you some Ne-Yo like I know you do, then by all means, partake.

Rubber

2011-12-31T17:36:00.000-06:00

There are some movies that are easy to explain... Like "Snakes on a Plane". It's a bunch of mofo snakes on mofo plane, and Sammy Jackson is tired of it. Or "Twilight", which is a two hour montage of how beautiful and sparkly Edward is. (didn't say these were good films...)

Other films take a little work. Take "The Usual Suspects"--great cast, plot line with lots of twists, and an awesome ending which, at the time, was brilliant... It's a little too well known to shock anyone these days. Or the best example of a complicated film, at least in recent years, is "Inception". One of my favorite films ever, to talk you through that would be a good hours discussion... And even then, you'd have a ton of questions.

This poster isn't far from the truth

And then... There's this small independent film called "Rubber". See, it's this movie where a... Um... Okay, so this tire like, rolls out of the desert and... um... uh...alright, so this tire like, kills people, right? And this group of people is watching and it's like a reality show, but real life when... This tire... It. He...

Yeah. That.

"Rubber" is one of the most bizarre movies I've ever seen in my life. Without explanation, a tire, on it's own, stands up in the desert and starts rolling around. There is even a learning curve, as it, or he, figures out what is and is not possible.

And he kills people. Not by rolling over them, but by telekinesis. Like, brainwaves. And I say "he" and not "it" because the tire starts stalking this chick, even trying to spy on her in the shower. In fact, the tire has a name--"Robert". Its never called Robert in the movie, but the trailer specifies. I'm not kidding.

And if that's not weird enough, there is this sort-of subplot where there is this group of people are watching him from afar, only the people who have set up the viewing apparently want the group dead because they poison the food except there is one old man in a wheelchair who refuses to eat and he ends up contributing to the efforts in stopping the rogue tire...

Robert the Tire faces off against the police. And wins. Cause the cop's
head explodes. Oh, stop complaining that I ruined it--you weren't going
to see it.

Yes, it's all bizarre. I can't tell you I dislike this movie, because I don't. It's kind of amusing, actually, and the scene where the sheriff tries to explain to his deputies what is going on is hilarious. And there's a touching scene were Robert the Tire witnesses the burning of dozens of his brother and sister tires in a big furnace. Almost made me cry. Okay, not really, but it was kinda sad. Okay, it wasn't sad--it was par for the course in this movie.

However, I can't tell you to go watch this film... Not because it's gratuitous or bad or anything, it's just... Odd. I feel like out if every ten people, perhaps 2 will like this movie.

So, bottom line--this is one of the strangest, and even pointless, films I've ever seen, so if you want to see something you've never seen before, then "Rubber" is right up your alley. Just tread lightly.

The Ten Coolest Things of 2010

2011-12-30T20:44:00.001-06:00

And finally... after 11 months and 29 days, here are the ten coolest things of 2010...

The 10th Coolest Thing of 2010: "Toy Story 3"
Its a cartoon, right? You keep telling yourself that, and remember that when you are wiping your eyes if not for the scene in the trash conveyor belt, then for the ending scene with Andy and Woody and little Bonnie. "Toy Story 3" is one of the best overall films to come out in a long, long time, and probably one of the best 3rd parts to a trilogy ever. And Lotso Huggin' Bear makes a great villain.

The 9th Coolest Thing of 2010: "Hey Soul Sister" by Train
This song was everywhere... in commercials... in movies... on the radio... on television shows... and in my car too, via the iPod (44 plays in 2010). And talk about a singable song! Hey ay... hey ay ay ya ay... hey ay hey ya ay... With any luck, thats in your head right now. My favorite song of the year.

The 8th Coolest Thing of 2010: The GMAC Bowl
With his kids, and now with mine own child, time spent with my best buddy of 18 years is scarce. We do try to make it happen with a dinner here and a lunch there and a hang-out time over a televised football game, but with life in general, it doesn't happen often.

So in December of 2009, when Wook Fu called me up and said, "Hey you silly Mexican, my Wookette got me a pair of GMAC Bowl tickets in January, with Troy playing Central Michigan (the Chippewas), so you up for it? I want to take you, holmes." Of course, I was like, "Si! Si!"

I love me some college football, especially live and in person, and it was my 2nd bowl game. My first was the PapaJohns.com Bowl some years back, but the GMAC was my first for overtime, and my first ever double overtime game. Unfortunately, the Chips won 44-41 on a field goal at the far end of the field, which Wookiee and I couldn't see, but still.

Anyway, it was a great night, Wook Fu set us up at the glorious suites of the La Quinta Inn, and after the game, we drowned our sorrows in a big plate of Denny's. And the next day, we spent most of the morning touring the USS Alabama battleship and just enjoying ourselves. I took a ton of pics, but unfortunately, I can't find a single one of them. I know, I know, bad friend.

Love my Best Mate Wookiee.

The 7th Coolest Thing of 2010: Disney in December

Who doesn't love Walt Disney World at Christmastime? We were honored to even be invited to stay with the Zarzaur family at the DVC rooms in Animal Kingdom Lodge, which were glorious. We got to see the Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, we introduced the Z Family to Via Napoli, which is now one of their family favorites, see lots of characters, ride lots of rides and essentially, have an incredible time.

The 6th Coolest Thing of 2010: "Inception"
Holy smokes, what a movie. I think there are two camps when it comes to "Inception"--those that love love love it (me) and those who hate hate hate it (not me)... there are very few people in the middle.

I don't even know how to explain this movie in a way that, if you haven't seen it, you will understand what an incredible ride the film takes you on. Its all about dreams and stealing dreams and implanting ideas in your subconscious and there are incredible visuals and amazing effects and so on and so on... and for the first time perhaps ever for me, I saw Leo DiCaprio not as Jack Dawson on the Titanic, but as Dom, the leader of the literal Dream Team. The excellent ensemble includes Tom Hardy, Ken Watanabe, Cillian Murphy, Ellen Page as Ariadne (who names their kid Ariadne? Olive would be better than that!) and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Arthur, one of the coolest supporting characters in recent memory. And the fight in the spinning hallway is one of my favorite scenes in any movie in all of 2010.

Someone commented on this YouTube clip that "don't ask me what's going on, I was too confused..."

Once it passes the minimum 2 year time period from release, which will be some time this summer, "Inception" will find itself clearly planted in The Dave100, somewhere very, very high, like Top 30. And that's big.

The 5th Coolest Thing of 2010: My Big Screen
Not much I can say about this beyond... my big screen tv rules. Though sometimes the remote signal doesn't reach as far as I'd like it to. First world problem.

The 4th Coolest Thing of 2010: The Z Family

The Z's... Chris and Melanie in the back, Special K, The Zach Attack
and Jay-Z in the front

I speak of course of the Zarzaur Family. The dad, Chris, who owns Chris Z's, drives a Daddy Caddy and grills like a motha. Good guy, very loyal, very generous and has an uncommon (these days, anyway) high value of family. The mom, Melanie, who I've mentioned alot here, and I'll get to in a minute. There's Jay-Z, the oldest, probably the most like me (which is good. and bad. and good. and bad. let's move on) in his jokes, his mannerisms and what he spends his time enjoying. He's like the "independent, do his own thing" kid. When we all get to Disney World, he's just as happy touring the park from ride to ride on his own, could care less if anyone is with him.

Then there's Special K, the only girl, the middle child. You can tell that when she grows up, she'll be very pretty, but right now, she's in that "not an grown up, but not really a kid stage". She's very good at volleyball, and she's got this dry sense of humor that will sneak up on you. Finally, there's The Zach Attack. Whereas Jay-Z is a free bird and Special K is definitely a daddy's girl, The Zach Attack is by far and away his mama's child. He's funny, he's random, he's pretty good at karate and he is a genius at Words with Friends.

Put them all together, and you have five close knit wonderful individuals that have been nothing short of amazingly giving and generous to my own family. Whether being excellent company at Pablos or great traveling partners at our several Disney trips together. You may have noticed that this family pops up alot over the 100 Coolest, and with good reason... the Z clan has become embedded in our lives, and now is beginning to be as such with Campbell Isaiah. The Lovely Steph Leann and Chris are like kindred spirits, easy going, laid back, and at Disney, partners in slow walking crime, while Melanie and I... well, that's...

The 3rd Coolest Thing of 2010: Melanie

...she's my friend. If My Best Mate Wookiee is my best dude, then Melanie is my best chick. I've talked about Melanie off and on randomly and for various reasons, but mostly because we, as people, tend to discuss what's important to us in our lives at that moment. (Yes, yes, I know, I don't talk about my faith enough, and thats important, but that's an entirely different issue.)

Back to the point... here's what I wrote in a randomness blog in July:

At a Christmas gathering (I think...)

...I see Melanie an awful lot, most of that at work, but many times at family outings and such. (seriously, we aren't stupid--its not like me and Melanie slumber parties at our respective homes or anything... its called boundaries, so stop your worrying)

That being said, let me brag on Melanie for a second... Well, she's awesome. She's gorgeous and she's funny and she's a great mom and she's cool and she's hot and she's all those things... plus, she's one of my very best friends. So yes, I do bring her up frequently on the blog site here, mostly because she's involved in half of my stories I have to tell.

We do have our moments, mostly when in the midst of battle behind the counter in a busy coffee war, but overall, she is one of the most loyal and dependable people I know. I know for a fact that I can count on her for anything. Ask The Lovely Steph Leann--takes a lot to put up with me daily (heck, ask Wookiee, he'll tell you--he lived with me for the equivalent of about six years), but she does it in fine fashion. What can I say? I love me some Melanie.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that she's hot.

The 2nd Coolest Thing of 2010: My iPhone
Thaaaat's right... I freakin' love my phone. No joke. I love being able to check my email, or Facebook, or a score, or look up something on Wikipedia anytime I darn well please. Its addicting, and its probably not good for me, but I love it.

Here's what I wrote in August of 2010 in a post entitled "Pawn Stars, iPhones, Roller Derbies and Cryptosporidium (and other random things)":

Finally got me an iPhone. Not that I needed one... truly, who actually needs an iPhone? I mean, if you think about it, do we really need portable phones? I got by for 28 years without one, and sure, its nice to be able to call someone and say, "Hey, I'm on the way" or send a text really quickly to say, "Remind me again what time the movie is" or "Can you pick up some milk?" but really, do we need one?

The answer? We do now. Its become an integral part of life. We'd survive without it, but why do we have to? That's like saying, "Well, yeah, we'd get by if every Baha Burger or Chipotle closed its doors forever" but why would we want to do that?

Racing home, I found it sitting on the end table, as The Lovely Steph Leann was home for lunch while the FedEx guy stopped by. I tore it open like a kid tearing into a Christmas gift, pulled out the box, opened it with my teeth and picked up my black 3GS iPhone... and plugged it in.

Went to church, as we came back, turned it on, no service. Figured we'd go by the AT&T store, get it solved. Well, the store closed at 7pm. And its 754pm. Called AT&T, and was told that I had to go back to the store upon which I purchased the phone. So, at 9am, I have to go. Until then, no service. No phone.

I did end up getting service, the very next day... and never looked back. Rock on.

And finally...

The Coolest Thing of 2010 is.... RED ROBIN

From November 21st, 2010, in "Just Don't Tell Dave Ramsey"...

I ask to test drive the KIA Soul. He goes and gets the keys, and we pull out of the lot, a car with 31 miles on it. Its... its just cool. Its just fun. Its bright red, a color that I usually associate with 21 year old guys in Mustangs or convertibles to pick up chicks, and higher insurance rates, so I ask about other colors, and am assured that if I want this car, they'll get me whatever color I want. Of course they will, its a car dealership.

I've already done some research on the KIA Soul, and have liked what I'd seen... its quite safe, it holds appreciation well, its sporty, its not too expensive, its roomier than most cars of its kind and so on. And in driving it... its fun. I like this car. And this is not good, because this thing is brand new! This thing is costly! There's no way we're going to be driving away with a KIA Soul. The Lovely Steph Leann won't allow such a mockery of Dave Ramsey Justice! Right? Right?

I noticed something as we walked around a little afterwards... the KIA Rio is about $1200 more than the KIA Soul. So... if we wanted to get the Rio, which The Lovely Steph Leann liked, then... wouldn't the Soul make more sense? Its bigger... and cheaper?

Smashcut to a half hour later... we are sitting in Gene's little cubicle and he's in front of us, hands clasped, elbows on table, telling us that he wants us to drive off the lot in a new car. Of course he does. This is a car dealership.

The Lovely Steph Leann and I listen to his pitch, and both simply tell him, "No". It was too much. Too much down, too much in car payments, car payments that we were trying to avoid all together. He had written down the details on a piece of paper, and they only would pay $500 for Toni Rocki Honda, which was a travesty in my own mind. Sure, she needs a $1000 repair in air conditioning, but I am pretty sure I could get a grand for her on Craigslist or even the paper, but $500?

And I watch the car salesmen tricks unfold... "Okay, what if I do this? What if [crossing out the number 500 and writing in pen] we give you a $1000 [writing the number 1-0-0-0] for your Honda?" We say "No". "Okay, well what if I say you don't have to put this much down [crosses out the amount down] and you only put this much down [writes down another number] and we say "No".

He says, "Okay, let me go run some more numbers", and runs off to do a credit check, leaving The Lovely Steph Leann and I alone. We start chatting quietly about what we are going to do, and suddenly, getting a new car, the bright red KIA Soul, is a distinct possibility. A real possibility.

The Lovely Steph Leann is the budgeter in our family, the "Nerd", is Ramsey speak. I am the "Free Spirit", the one who spends a little more than he should, so I'm leaning on her, my wife, heavily to help me through this (isn't that the way it should be, really?). She says one single "No way, we can't do this", then I'm not going to fight her for it. I tell her straight up that there is a certain threshold of savings I want to keep in there, and no matter what, we don't go below that. She tells me what the reality is of our budget.

Gene comes back with another set of details and agreements. I smile and simply say, "Okay, man, listen... this is a great deal. We have talked about it, and we agree this is a great deal, but we just don't think we can do it. We weren't looking for car payments, we don't want to kill our savings and really, if we have to say yes or no at this very moment, we'd have to say 'no'." Gene tells us, "I understand. But let me just tell ya, we haven't sold a car today. I'm going to do what it takes to get you into this car." He gets up and runs out.

Gene comes back in, with the same piece of paper, folded over, with words written in Sharpie at the top, saying "XMAS COMES EARLY HO HO HO", with some details on the bottom. And the details are... (read how it unfolds by clicking here)

So there ya go. The 100 Coolest Things of 2010, about a year late. What say we do The 100 Coolest Things of 2011 list a little quicker this time, eh?

Oh yeah... honorable mention...

Brad Latta

The 2010 Cool Express

2011-12-29T20:05:00.001-06:00

Okay, so its December 28th, with only half of a day today, and three full days left in the entire year of 2011. And here I am, still 30 cool things away from listing the coolest things of the year 2010. I could say that life, Campbell, pregnancy, American Idol, audio books, Disney trips and more got in the way of finishing, but lets be real here--I've had 361 full days to complete this list, so truly the only reason is that I'm just lazy. I mean, I do have ambition when it comes to certain things, but in many respects, I'm as lazy and unmotivated as a Wall Street Occupier.

So rather than try to dish out another three or four posts, I am just going to shoot through this list real quick-like before the year ends, and I am starting The 100 Coolest Things of 2011.

Quick recap for you:
The 100th through 91st Coolest Things of the Year... Alabama's National Title... "Just Wright"... The Miz... Lotso Huggin' Bear... "The Pony Exce$$"... Big Al... "The Other Guys"... Jamie's Post... "Leap Year"... "Iron Man 2"
The 90th through 81s Coolest Things of the Year... "Live Like Your Dyin'"... Zoe's Kitchen.. "Red"... Daylight Donuts... "Death at a Funeral"... Sandra Bullock wins the Oscar... "Morning Glory"... "Undercover Boss"... AllState's Mayhem... "Unstoppable"
The 80th through 71st Coolest Things of the Year... "The Town"... "American Honey"... "The A-Team"... "Tron: Legacy"... Auburn's season... Glee does Queen... "The Wal-Mart Effect"... "The Wal-Mart Effect" Authors response... "Zombieland"... Middle Eastern Night
The 70th through 61st Coolest Things of the Year... Facebook DeFriended App... "Love the Way You Lie"... "Hawaii Five-O"... "Christine"... The Tipulator... "The Book of Eli"... "...featuring Norah Jones"... "Just the Way You Are"... The Candlelight Processional... "Kick-A**"
The 60th through 51st Coolest Things of the Year... Disney's Autism... SI's Playoff Push... "The Expendables"... Dixon's dinner... The New Orleans Saints... "The Fighter"... Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains... new Mickey Gloves... my favorite new hat... "Showgirls, Teen Wolves & Astro Zombies"
The 50th through 41st Coolest Things of the Year... "Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part I"... Via Napoli... Stuff Christians Like... Lil Sister Ashley's ring... The Rev'rn Ty Coffey's ring... "Nothin' On You"... Audible.com... "How to Train Your Dragon"... "Under the Dome"... Chris Z's burgers
The 40th through 31st Coolest Things of the Year... Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife... "Firestarter"... Disney in July... "Tangled"... "Break Even"... Sara Barellis... Trey Cartledge... The Film Vault... Pablos... The Keys to the Kingdom Tour

30... "True Grit"
The Clinton Portis novel is a quick read, its narrative is light and well written, and its a great classic, little known western. And it was almost as good as...

29... "True Grit"
I was a little skeptical about this remake of the John Wayne classic, but just about everything about this movie works. Jeff Bridges is wonderful as Rooster Cogburn, while Hallie Steinfeld acts well above her age. Even Matt Damon makes a convincing cowpoke. Great film.

28... New Wookiee Baby
Wookiee had another one! Well, Mrs. Wookiee, anyway! Little Abby Grace... and the only reason this isn't higher is because this is his second one. Congrats, a year later!

27... New Mikey Baby
Mikey had a baby! Well, his woman, Ashleia did. Little Charlotte. Add that to Big Tom's kid, SyJo, and we've got half a future Deucette.

26... The Weekend with DeNick and DeLisa
Anytime we can go to the beach, its a good thing. And anytime we can go with friends, its also a good thing. Hence, spending the weekend with DeNick and DeLisa, and little DeGeorge in October, down on the Gulf Coast. Great food, comfy room, and just a whole lotta fun.

25... "It" by Stephen King
The books that are known as "masterworks" by King are "The Stand" and the "Dark Tower" series. Perhaps right under that is "Salem's Lot", and maybe even "The Shining"... but an underrated classic is "IT". Yes, its the one with the bad clown guy. Its huge, with a cast of kid characters who grow up to be adult characters, and the story is told in back and forth parallel... one chapter its 1957 and a few pages later, its 1985.

And the story is scary... yet, its more of a character study than anything. Bill Denborough, the future writer... Ben Hanscomb, the chunky kid turned manly man... Beverly Marsh, the abused girl turned abused woman... Ritchie Tozier, the class clown now and future... Stanley Uris, the local Jew who finds refuge in the group... Eddie Kaspbrak, the weakling both as a boy and as a man... and soon, Mike Hanlon, the black kid who makes a great addition to the group. Each kid has his/her own issues as a child, and those issues reflect their grown-up world... and they are all thrown back together when the horrific event that unites them as children brings them back as adults--namely, Pennywise the clown, an evil entity that exists in the sewers below the town of Derry, Maine.

Besides Pennywise, the kids also have to deal with the local school bully, Henry Bowers, and his cronies who, at first, are just your beat-em-up, money stealing bullies, but evolve into something a bit more sadistic. And you begin to see the grip that Pennywise has on the town and its citizens, as the whole town starts dying slowly... not the people, but the town itself.

Its a brilliant book, a great and meaningful story and though its big, its reads easy.

24... Pawn Stars
I will watch this show every time its on. Rick, Hoss, The Old Man and Chumlee make the 30 minutes its on just a little bit better... and who knew that there was such a market for pirate coins, or Civil War maps or old magazines? Addictive.

23... "Easy A"
It feels like every year there is one movie that I like a little more than I probably thought I would, and maybe than I should. In 2010, it was "Easy A". Emma Stone is a hoot as a high school chick named Olive (who names their kid Olive? Olivia, sure, but Olive?) who is branded unfairly as a harlot... and decides to use it to her financial advantage. Also starring Lisa Kudrow, Thomas Haden Church and a hilarious Amanda Bynes, who I dig, plus either Aly or AJ from the Disney duo Aly & AJ (not sure which one), and of course, Stanley Tucci. Everyone loves The Tuch.

22... Disney in February
What a great trip. Nine days in Disney, first with Little Sister Ashley and McQ, then on our own, then catching a ride with Snow White and her Sidekick Sarah, it was an awesome time. I can't elaborate, though, as it was 22 months ago, and I'm having a hard time remembering the details.

21... "Forget You" by Cee-Lo
Yes, I'll admit it. On my iPod, I've got all three versions, from "F&#( You" to "F-You" to "Forget You", and they all make me laugh. I tend to make "Forget You" the version I sing along to.

20... Red Mango
All natural frozen yogurt, I hope this shop sticks around when the Fro-Yo craze finally dies, which I think will be soon.

Its got a stellar cast, but the reason to watch this is almost entirely
Jesse Eisenberg's performance. He makes this movie what it is.

19... "The Social Network"
Its that Facebook movie! Everything about this movie clicks, from the script to the killer score by Trent Reznor to locale to the cast (even Justin Timberlake!) to the direction... and Jesse Eisenberg is brilliant as Facebook co-creator Mark Zuckerberg. Love love love this movie.

18... Sirius XM
When I got my new car, Red Robin, I was given a trial subscription to satellite radio. And I can only describe it by saying it revolutionized my radio experience in the same way that my iPod revolutionized my music listening habits, or DVR revolutionized my TV watching. I found it difficult to pick only 18 channels to program into the car, out of the 180+ or so... but ended up choosing gems like The Blend, which is pop and rock... and The Bridge, which is classic rock... and 20 on 20, which is modern hits... Coffeehouse, which is acoustic... and of course, the 60s channel, the 70s channel, the 80s channel, and the crown jewel of the radio, the 90s on 9. When you are traveling to work at 420 in the morning, and "Baby Got Back' comes on 90s on 9, its worth it.

17... Darius Rucker
Hootie! Hootie! Hootie! While I'm sure he's not ashamed of Hootie and the Blowfish, he probably does enjoy being known for more than just Hootie... so I'll give him the props he deserves. I've always enjoyed him and his talents, but his latest solo CD, "Charleston SC 1966" is rockin' awesome. He's countrified in every way, starting with the lead off single "The Come Back Song" to his ode to a sparky night with his woman, "Lucky". Great stuff.

16... "Waking Sleeping Beauty"
Telling the story of Disney's animation renaissance from 1984 to 1994--years that brought "The Little Mermaid" and "Lion King" and more--this documentary is pieced together from archival footage, personal video footage and old interviews. Don Hahn, a Disney producer, narrates,and if you are a Disney enthusiast and history buff like myself, this film is essential.

15... "Game Change"
Written by political journalists John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, the book tells the story of the 2008 presidential election and more importantly the primaries. It opens up on Hillary Clinton, who was the heir apparent to the White House--she believed it so deeply that even before the primaries were run, she had secretly gotten her White House Transition Team ready to go. And then, this little Senator from Illinois, Barack Hussein Obama shows up... and not only steals the thunder, but takes the nom from Clinton and John Edwards, who's own issues are highlighted.

More than half of the book is dedicated to the Democratic race, but there is juice in the Republican side too, as it goes through the candidates and their failures to succeed, like Guiliani and Thompson, then it dives into the McCain and Palin race, plus the animosity that builds between them. Then it takes on the actual presidential race with juicy tidbits and stories, and does so with very little political slant. Great read.

I love the yellow speedy guy... I can deal with the triplets... the black
bird is the bomb... however, I do hate that boomerangy one.

14... Angry Birds
I won't bother explaining this, because if you know, you know, if you don't you don't. But the amount of hours spent on this game number in the hundreds, easily.

13... "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum
Great song. Who doesn't love this song, even though its really about a drunk booty call.

12... The LOST Finale
It took six years to get here, and by this time, I just wanted a good ending. I wasn't even concerned with tying up all the loose ends (good thing too, because they weren't concerned about that either), I just wanted the story to wrap up nicely and with some point of satisfaction. Now, you could argue that it didn't come close, and it left too many things unanswered, and thats all valid thoughts... but I liked it. The second time I watched it, I loved it.

11... Starbucks ASM
After The Happiest Place in the Mall shut down and became Jihad Toys and IEDs, I had to find somewhere to go. I stayed at Starbucks part time, and was able to come on for what was essentially full time as an hourly barista, but some time around May, I was able to step up to management again. I became Melanie's assistant manager, and let me just brag and tell you, our store rules. Man, it feels good to be a gangsta.

So, that's 90 down... how about 10 more to go. Never fear. Its already written, I'll just need to tweak a few links and add a few pics. Another song, a few more movies, some Magic, a hot chick and more... just in time to get ready for The Coolest Things of 2011!

Campbell's Journey Home

2011-12-21T16:41:00.000-06:00

So, I have a kid now. Like, a real life baby. Another mouth in The Cabana that wants food, another person in this place that will have (or has already) his own personality and thoughts and opinions. He is upstairs with his mommy, having a late night snack as babies are wont to do sometimes.

Its an amazing thing, really. For the entire pregnancy, we had no clue of the gender of the baby... was it Lorelei? Was it Campbell? Thankfully, we found out early it wasn't both at the same time... but on Thursday, December 1st, at 437p, we found out it was Campbell Isaiah. And now, I can't imagine a daughter--I can't imagine not having Campbell here in our lives.

But he didn't come home immediately... and neither did The Lovely Steph Leann. So for your sake, because many of you have asked, and for my own sake, so a decade from now I can recall how it all happened, here's Campbell's journey from birth to The Cabana.

So, hundreds of you read the running diary on the day he was born. Dr. Babysnatcher snatches him out and they plunk him down on the table to do all their doctory things. As I said, childbirth was supposedly this beautiful and magical experience and such, but for me, it was just weird. I wasn't queasy, or it didn't freak me out, it was just... well, weird. And after the baby was yanked out, Dr. Babysnatcher... okay, you ever been to Panera Bread? You know how you rake all the extra food and such off of the plate and into the garbage, and it goes into a big pile? That was kind of what it looked like--the doc was just pulling out all the extra junk. Weird.

Also, did you know that The Lovely Steph Leann had TWO epidurals? So, she had decided to go unmedicated for delivery for a variety of reasons, but once admitted to the hospital the day before--turns out she had something called pre-eclempsia, which has high blood pressure and protein in the urine as symptoms--the odds of unmedicated delivery was very slim.

About halfway through the day, after the doc told her that going natural would be very hard and very bad for her because of blood pressure issues, she finally relented and allowed the epidurals. Of course, I have to step out when the Epidurally Doc comes in, and I learn later that because of her being swollen practically all over, including her back, the epidural given only numbed half of her body. She was still feeling contractions on the other half--so they had to stick her two more times to get it to work.

The Lovely Steph Leann is known as a sleeper. Always has been. So here is my impression of her during birth:

Push push push push ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ what? I'm awake... push? ok, push push push push push ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ huh? push again? ok, push push push push push pusZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Yup, she fell asleep in-between contractions while pushing. The nurse looked at me and asked with surprise, "Is she snoring?" and I smiled and said, "Yup. That would be The Lovely Steph Leann."

So, you know the rest--baby out, mommy in a daze, and daddy given a pair of scissors to cut the cord.

"So here I am, warm, fed, taking a nap... and I'm evicted from my womb
with a view. Its cold, I'm stark naked, I got fluid and blood in my eyes,
I'm hungry and some dude in a Jedi sweatshirt is coming at my food
supply line with a pair of scissors. What the fool, man?!"

Let me just say this about that cord thing... for me, it was kind of pointless. I guess I can put on my Hurricane Rhett Dead Inside pants and say it. Didn't see the point. Campbell was already cut from mommy, and all I did was cut the excess from his tummy while he lay in the crib, screaming his fool head off. I think I was supposed to bond with him, and in truth, I found it distracting because that cord was hard to cut and I was trying to not amputate his little leg off with the scissors. It would have been different were I to cut him free from mommy, but it was more of a symbol than anything else. Maybe its just me.

The next 24 hours were a blur. The Lovely Steph Leann and I were both flat out exhausted, yet almost too exhilarated to rest. We had already agreed to let Campbell go to the nursery overnight, being brought back to our room only to nurse. We had a few visitors that night, including Hurricane Rhett and Amarylis By Mornin' (up from san antone), The Rays--both St'ray and C'ray--Bro-in-law Tyler and his Boo Brynn and a few other folks. My buddy Tebershaw came up and helped me install the carseat base, and our friends The Stampers checked on us daily.

Remember, since Camp decided it would be a good idea to show up, oh, you know, 17 days early, we were still in the old women's center at the hospital, and as (mis)luck would have it, we were in the smallest room on the floor. The room ended up being quite cramped for a little while. The Brookwood New Women's Center opened on December 2nd. The day after Campbell popped out... so on Friday, they wheeled us over to the new building... we were the final patients to be moved, and we were the first (and for a brief few hours, the only) patients on the 6th floor.

The 6th floor is considered the "High Risk" ward, and we could thank The Lovely Steph Leann's roller coaster blood pressure for that honor. Not that any of the nurses will remember those little nuggets of trivia, or even us for that matter, by now, but its worth mentioning.

A proud Wookiee, proud of the new Ewok in
the tribe.

The second and third nights both brought in a more visitors, like my best mate Wookiee, who came in a sat a while with us, held Campbell, and joined me for dinner. DeLisa and DeNick also stopped by with their own son, DeGeorge, plus some more family, and of course, Big Daddy Ron (the pops in law) and Mama Ruthless (the mom in law) were there alot. The Lovely Steph Leann had a blood pressure cuff attached to her arm for the better part of three days or so, inflating and deflating every 10 to 15 minutes. All day. All night. Sucks to be her.

I do have to tell you that the hospital cafeteria food wasn't that bad. We had several coupons for food, which I happily used over and over--though it was titled "Complimentary Meal Voucher", and in fine print said, "Not To Exceed $5", which would buy you a parfait and half a co-cola. Their corn dogs were delish, though.

Now, the trick was actually getting to the cafeteria. When in the old building, in Labor & Delivery, it wasn't a very long. The cafe is on the ground floor, so it was a quick walk over. In the new building, however? Well, as I learned by leaving a trail of bread crumbs... you take the elevator to the 3rd Floor, which will let you out at the nurses station. Take a right, go around the atrium and enter the hallway into the old building. Follow that hall about 150 feet until you come to the nurses station (you'll pass an old lady in Room 3334, usually eating, usually lonely and also another door with four folders on it, labeled Shannon, Dawn, Pam and something else). Take a right at that nurses station and walk probably another 250 feet down to Elevator A. Go to the G floor, and the cafe will be right there. Yep, that's a walk.

Up until this point, its routine. Campbell has been spending a bit of his time in the blue lights of the nursery because he's got a touch of jaundice, but no big whoop, right? The Lovely Steph Leann is doing better, and my fold out chair bed is brand spankin' new, and actually pretty comfy. For whatever reason, the cable TV in the room had no CBS channel, so I didn't get to watch a single down of the SEC Championship game, but it was a blowout, so no big whoop, right?

Smashcut to about 4am Sunday morning.

Though I have slept decently well in the hospital, save for when I tried to move an inch in the old building's chair-bed, I still do that half-awake-can-hear-whats-happening-but-it-doesn't-register thing. You know what I mean, like when you can understand a conversation or a situation, but the depth or gravity of said convo or situation doesn't really sink in because you are half asleep.

So, once, in college, I had stayed up all night for work, and gotten to bed around 7am the next morning, a Saturday. I was zonked out completely, though not enough to sleep through the phone ringing. I answered with a bleary, "heh... he... hello...?" and on the other end was buddy and frat brother Scotty Wilkes, who said, "Hey man, listen, my car won't start. I have to be at work in like, an hour... I really need a lift, or maybe if I could borrow your car..." Now, I'm someone who has had car trouble after car trouble all of my life, so my natural response should have been, "Dude, yeah, let me wake up, I'll be right over..." or at least "sure, take my car, just don't wreck." Instead, I mumbled something about how tired I was, and I wasn't getting up and hung up. When I woke up a few hours later, I immediately realized what I had done, and called Scotty back. He ended up calling our friend Spivey, who took him. Spivey also chastised me for not being willing to help. Deserved.

It was this type of vague recognition that I had when the nurses brought Campbell in around 4am, and then told the already awake The Lovely Steph Leann that he was being admitted to the NICU. I heard the nurses describe Campbell's jaundice, and how it wasn't getting any better, but also that he had something called "retraction", which is a respiratory issue. The Lovely Steph Leann got to hold him for a minute, and then they took him, placed him in a crib and wheeled him out.

I drifted back to sleep.

At 6am, she nudged me awake. I turned over and saw her there, bloodshot and puffy eyes, and she whispered, "Campbell's in the NICU." I shrugged and simply said, "I know. I heard." I sat up and excused myself to the restroom. When I came out, The Lovely Steph Leann was laying back on her bed, snuffly and a little teary. I sat on the edge of the bed and held her hand. "The Lovely Steph Leann... its going to be okay. I know it is."

She attempted a smile, failed, and then let it fall to a whimper, as she softly said, "I know its probably going to be fine... but all I could think of was Mason." Mason was the child of Steph's cousin Seth and his wife Cherie, and was only a few months old when God called him home. I smiled and said, "Well... maybe this is God's way of telling us to stop the complaining about not having time to get everything ready... He's giving us a few more days."

She replied, still softly, "I don't care. I don't care about the house. I don't care if anything is ready or never gets cleaned. I want Campbell to be okay, and come home." She had a few tears trickle down, and confided that she'd been awake for two hours and had been crying for much of it. "Seriously?" I said, and I leaned on the reclined bed, put my arm around her and let her weep a little on my shoulder. "The Lovely Steph Leann, you should never have to cry alone. Never. You should have woken me."

We rested there for a few minutes in silence, as the sun slowly rose and daylight began to lighten the room. After a while, we got our showers, got ourselves gussied up and prepared for the day. I sent out a few texts, first to my best friend/work wife Melanie, with the simple words, "Campbell in NICU". She immediately texted back, "Can I come see y'all?" And within 30 minutes, she met us in the 4th floor lobby, with cookies. And Melanie, The Lovely Steph Leann and I scrubbed up in the big hand sink and made our way to see Campbell.

Poor kid. He was one cord in the back of the neck away from being a part of The Matrix. Under the blue lights,in a crib, in the NICU. Brookwood's new center has a new NICU, and instead of a row of cribs and incubators, each newborn has his or her own room, each with privacy curtains over the doorways that can be opened or pulled closed, each with a recliner for sitting and/or nursing, each with a couch for sitting and/or sleeping. Its a great set up, and the digs are exemplary... only, the reason you'd need them is not a reason you'd want. Only daddy (that's me) and mommy (that's The Lovely Steph Leann) are allowed to touch Campbell--we could open the little incubator door and put our hand on him, stroke his back or his hair, or touch his hands--but nobody else could do so.

So there we were. My two favorite chicks, standing over a crib with my newly appointed favorite kid in the whole world. It was hard. Yes, he was in there for some cautionary respiratory issues, yes it was a common jaundice issue, yes he would be fine. But it was still hard. This was... is... my child. Less than four days old, and he's already strapped up with wires and probes and IVs and junk.

Over the course of the day, we made several trips down to the NICU, talked a few times on the phone to friends like JustFish and Ryan Sherman and answered numerous texts from friends and family and such. The support was absolutely overwhelming.

Dr. Babysnatcher came in that afternoon and checked up on The Lovely Steph Leann, determining that her blood pressure had been a roller coaster, and she was still too up and down to go home just yet. With permission, I headed home that evening to get some rest, to return Monday morning... I did get a call from my Mama (no, not the dead one, the other one... okay, so my biological mom who... you see, its my "real" mother, not to say the mom who died wasn't my mother but... um... you know, we'll get to that later...)

Anyway, she called me late Sunday night and said, "Hey, I'm coming to see my grandson." Now, I would love to see her, but I understand this is a long drive--she lives in Andalusia, about 3 hours away--so I tell her my concerns. She basically gives me the pshw and says she will be up in the morning around 7am. That's good, gives me a little time to catch some sleep.

And of course, the phone rings the next morning with Jan saying, "Hey, I'm 15 miles outside of Birmingham, how do I get to your house?" Drowsy, feeling like I just went to bed a mere few hours before, I mumble something about how to get to 459, then 280 and how I'll meet her in the Chick-fil-a parking lot in about 20 minutes. I focus just enough to notice its still pretty dark outside, and as I begin to wonder why its so dark at 705 in the morning, I realize its actually 503am.

She visited for a mere three hours, just enough to see me, see The Lovely Steph Leann and visit with Campbell in the NICU, even though she couldn't hold him. By mid-morning she was leaving, having to work that night at her job... she said to me as she was leaving, "I am glad I came down. I couldn't stay long, but every second was worth the drive."

Love you, Mama

I drove her back to The Cabana and back to her car, and she was one her way, and I zipped upstairs for a much needed sleep extension... finally, I got up and showered, and after a quick breakfast at Burger King, and a quick stop at Starbucks to see Melanie, the team and grab a hot chocolate, I raced back to the NICU... only to find not much of a change in Campbell's condition.

This was my view for about 45 minutes while I held
my son.

And so it stayed like that for Monday. The Lovely Steph Leann and I made some frequent trips down to the NICU from our room, but also tried to get a little rest. Dr. Babysnatcher gave her one more night in the hospital, with blood pressure issues, but let us know it was likely the final evening, saying, "At some point, we have to risk you going home with medication to control your BP issue."

Monday night I slept at home again, having to be at work Tuesday morning early... after work, I again went to the hospital to visit Campbell and The Lovely Steph Leann. Around 5pm, they released her, though Camp still had a few more days.

Seems to be its customary to keep newborns in the NICU for 72 hours once admitted, which meant that a Sunday admittance would mean a stay through Tuesday night minimum. Also, they told us that they wanted him to spend at least 48 hours out of the incubator and into a crib, which meant that every day in the incubator kept us at least 2 days from bringing him home.

The Lovely Steph Leann and I drove away from Brookwood Tuesday night, mostly in silence. Our child was left behind. We wanted to bring him home and we couldn't, and we couldn't do anything about it. Quite a helpless feeling.

On Wednesday, I went to work while The Lovely Steph Leann slept in a little, getting some much needed rest. I made the decision to not visit the hospital on this day, mostly because I just wanted a break. I'm not someone who can just go and... well, sit. And sit. And sit. Yes, I loved seeing Campbell, and yes I enjoyed being with him, whispering encouragement to him, but really, there's only so much I could even do. Plus, Mama Ruthless and The Lovely Steph Leann were up there most of the day, so I just came home after work and relaxed.

The good news, however, was that Campbell was moved from the NICU to the nursery... he still remained under the bili-lights for his jaundice, but things were quickly improving. Thursday he spent all day in the nursery, under the lights, but also out from the lights where The Lovely Steph Leann could nurse and where Mommy and Daddy (and GiGi--that being Ruth, the grandmother) could hold him some too.

Our last few minutes in the hospital. Five minutes
after this pic was taken, Campbell was loaded
into a car seat, preparing to come home.

Finally, Friday, we got the word that yes, he was being discharged. Brookwood requires all parents to (a) watch this video on infant CPR... (b) to watch this how-to video on putting your kid in a car seat.... and (c) to actually be shown on your own car seat how it works and how your kid goes in it. During the first two tasks, I did a double duty of watching the video and nudging The Lovely Steph Leann awake as she drifted every few minutes.

And the moment was upon us. The doc came in, talked with us for a few minutes about Campbell, how he was doing, a few minor things to watch for, he shook both of our hands, wished us well and he was off. And Campbell Isaiah was ours for the taking. And The Lovely Steph Leann and her mom being of the same ilk, they took approximately 4,378 pictures as we were leaving the hospital, another 811 pics as we went to her parents home for a quick bite and then another 1,980 pics as I was walking in the door with Campbell in the car seat.

He's home.

In the days since, its been a little different. God has definitely given a gift of adaptation to The Lovely Steph Leann, as she's gone from her enjoyment of about 10 to 12 hours of sleep per day to, in the first few days, 4 to 6, and a few weeks later, maybe 6 to 8, but all broken up into 2 and 3 hour chunks, if she's lucky.

Aunt Melanie holding Campbell

We've had a few people drop off food--thanks to The Hitchcocks, The Fishers and The Shermans--and a big thanks to work wife/best friend Melanie and her family for providing a delicious Middle Eastern themed meal the Sunday after Campbell came home. Melanie stopped by with the food and was the first non-family to hold Campbell outside of the hospital, and as far as our home goes, still the only non-family a few weeks later. Oh, she's family, who am I kidding.

Another big thanks to The Rays, The Shaws, The Stampers, The Barnetts, The Wookiees, Amy Harris, my pal Mikey, Jeff McG, Tommy Mac, Lil' Sister Ashley and (now) Lil' Brother Brandon, DeNick & DeLisa (with DeGeorge) and anyone else I might be forgetting for their calls, texts, visits and so on. Your help, love and support has meant the world to us. (and if I am forgetting anyone, I do apologize. I do have a 20 day old here...). And of course, a huge thanks to The Lovely Steph Leann's mom, who has been hugely supportive and helpful not only to her, but also to me, as I've been able to sleep some before I go to work.

Anyway, I won't be one of those dads who do nothing but post pics of their kids online, unless its worth a look. And I'll keep blogging about love, pride and deep fried chicken and the like, I'll just be a little busier now, that's all.

100 Greatest Songs of the 2000s (Part II)

2011-12-03T14:05:00.040-06:00

(Preface... this was written on Monday and Tuesday of this week. Wednesday, the Lovely Steph Leann was admitted to the hospital for labor pains, essentially, and I didn't get to finish tweaking this for posting. So here I am on the 6th floor of the Brookwood Women's Center, the new one, in a quiet room, and I wanted to finish it up... so here ya go...)

And we continue with our countdown... first, a few reminders--this is a five part Vh1 show, I've already covered Hours 1, 2 and 3 (which you can read here), I've got Hours 4 and 5 coming up below, and just so you know, I'm seeing each song on the countdown for the first time... meaning, I haven't seen the list and know what's coming. I write it as I watch it appear.

Let's keep moving, with the 40th greatest song of the 2000s decade, according to Vh1...

40... "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy (2005)
I cannot tell you for certain that I could name any song by Fall Out Boy... and I keep thinking of "Number One With a Bullet"... wait? That's this song? (the song is playing on the tv and they just got to the "blah blah something merry go round something number one with a bullet")

So this song is not called "Number One With a Bullet"? Its called "Sugar, We're Goin' Down"? Perhaps I should have had my late teens in this decade, and I'd probably know more. Personally, I like "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger.

Incidentally, one of the guys in this band, Pete Wintz, is the host of this entire countdown show. And he's terrible with a bullet. His hosting career is going down, down... see what I did there? Good one, d$!

39... "Chasing Pavement" by ADELE (2008)
Man this chick can sing. Actually, I didn't discover her until "Rollin' in the Deep", which freakin' rules. And ADELE is amazing, because she has this special quality that not alot of pop stars have nowadays... talent and a good voice.

But though I know what a pavement is, I am unclear as to why you'd need to chase it. It doesn't move much.

38... "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus (2009)
Um...

Maybe you should listen to the song about 114 times, and maybe that's the breaking point. That's the threshold. After that, you like it.

Uh...

Did you know that this song had a resurgence on the charts when Osama bin Laden was killed? To me, that's the final insult... you are this powerful leader for decades, causing fear, death and destruction in your reign, and your death is celebrated by your enemies with a Miley Cyrus song. Ha!

Me? Oh, well, I, uh... I hate this song.

No, I don't know all the words, why would you ask such a foolish question as that? You silly.

Um. No, I don't put my hands up when they are singing my song, and the butterflies fly away (butterfly fly away). Uh, no, I don't have the video. Why would... check my iPod? No, that's private. Why would you want to do that?

I think I just saw Chris Hanson, so let's move on.

37... "Oops!... I Did It Again" by Britney Spears (2000)

"Baby, One More Time..."? Absolutely. "Sometimes"? Heck ya. "You Drive Me Crazy"? Sure, why not?

"Oops!... I Did It Again"? No way. Terrible song. And was a terrible entry in the Christina vs. Britney battle. I mean, who likes crappy, catchy pop junk like this? (why are you scrolling up to re-read #38? Come back)

36... "Bye Bye Bye" by *NSync (2000)

Dude. This song flippin' rules. I ain't even joking.

Get past the boy-band part of it, and JT, Joey, Chris, Kirkpatrick and NancyLancey could own it. And this song was awesome. As a guy, liking the Backstreet Boys was straight-cred destruction. However, liking *NSync was just normal, cause we all like them.

However, my affection for this song may not be so much the song itself but the redux done a few years back by the cover band *NStynk...

35... "Daughters" by John Mayer (2004)

Fathers, be good to your daughters, don't let them near John Mayer.

I like John well enough--I really dig "Gravity", "Clarity", "No Such Thing" and of course, "Your Body Is a Wonderland"--but this song not so much. I think its about ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

34... "All For You" by Janet Jackson (2001)

Yeah! Love me some Janet! At least, Janet before the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction at the Super Bowl. I think she's more of a punchline now, but back in the day, especially back in the 90s, you had "Rhythm Nation" and "Miss You Much" and "Control" and one of my all time favorite songs ever, "Love Will Never Do (without you)"... she's fantastic.

And this song is pretty good too. A little dirty, though, so don't really study the lyrics. Have you ever read the lyrics to "If"? Great song, sounds awesome, and it frustrated me that she sang so fast, I couldn't understand them... so I looked them up. Holy crap. I blushed. I mean, its like, down and freaky. Wow. So now you know.

33... "Hurt" by Johnny Cash (2003)

Wow. So, I feel like cracking wise about this particular song, and Johnny Cash at the time he sang it would be akin to making fun of the opening battle scene of "Saving Private Ryan", or the ending to "Schindler's List" or anything serious and depressing like that. Not that "Hurt" compares historically to those particular times in our nation's history itself, but you get my drift.

So I won't.

But what I will say is this: This song, this video, is a pre-death eulogy. Cash had a successful, but at the same time hard and even horrible, life. He did this song after his wife, June Carter, had passed, and he passed not too long after. The video is crushing. Film clips of a younger him, celebrating, not knowing that some of his life would be so wasted, clips of June Carter and their relationships, so happy yet so stormy and rocky... and the lyrics are so, so moving. This is truly one of the few songs out there that I would classify as "painful" on so many levels, and I don't even have a connection to the song, other than I have a soul and am not dead inside.

Hurricane Rhett would make fun of this entire piece.

32... "This Love" by Maroon 5 (2004)
I really, really wanted to not like this song. I wanted to hate this song, and as a result, hate Maroon 5... but I can't help it. This song is kinda fun, kinda catchy. And Maroon 5's music is actually not bad. It's not revolutionary, but it does stick with you.

Sing it with me... This... love... has... taken its toll on me... she says goodbye too many times before (oh-whoa-oh)... everybody!

And Adam Levine gets some major play... at least in his videos.

31... "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse (2007)
Okay... "Amy shoulda gone to Rehab! Ha!" There, I said it. Oh, and, "We tried to make her to go to rehab, and she said No! No! No!" See what I did there? I kill me.

30... "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani (2005)
Fine. I'll admit it. I love the dang fool out of this song. Its addicting, Gwen is awesome, its stupid, its catchy, its poppy, its ridiculous and it forever changing our mental processes when it comes to fruit.

What with the number one song be, Gwen? Ah! You are keeping
yourself from blurting out the answer! Good job, girly!

Much like any mention of a chick named Stacy, you'll think about how going on her mom has it, a mention many times of a banana will elicit this thought: Its bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Were I a chick, a cheerleader, gay or all three, this might be my anthem. I frikkin' love this song.

Still unclear as to what a "Hollaback" girl is, and what makes one "hollaback". Not sure.

29... "Best of You" by The Foo Fighters (2005)
I guess while I was making time with Gwen and hollering back, I missed this entirely, because I've never even heard this song, like ever in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I dig the Foo Fighters, and "Learn to Fly" is in my Top 100 all time, I think Dave Grohl is awesome, and hearing a snippet of this song, I like it too... but I've never heard it. Maybe I should have listened to 107.7 the X more often.

28... "Music" by Madonna (2000)
This song sucks. So does Madonna any time after 1998.

That is all.

27... "Yeah!" by Usher, feat. Lil Jon and Ludacris (2004)
Another ridiculous, stupid, moronic song with no redeeming value that I just simply love and sometimes will blast out of the Red Robin, making sure my speaker colored thumping lights are thumping like a twitchy ninja, when it comes on.

YEEAAAHH!! OOOHKAAYYYY!!!

Kick that, rewind it back, Lil Jon, Luda and Ur-shure got the beat
that make yo' booty go boom!

Gotta tell ya, Usher... underrated talent. I know, I know, he's sold a bajillion records, though like Nickleback CDs, I don't know anyone that owns one... but Usher doesn't get a ton of mentions when discussing great voices. He's good. He's really good.

Then you toss in the ~~stupid~~ stoopid Lil Jon, who says, "The chorus of this was easy. You just say Yeah... then Yeah... then Yeah... and Yeah again. We kind of ad-libbed it." And finally, Ludacris in a cleaner form, at least in his lyrics, and you've got a legendary dance hit.

26... "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes (2003)
Yes, I have heard of them. I just feel like I'm not hipster enough to like The White Stripes. She & Him, sure. Ingrid Michelson, yep. The White Stripes? I've not only not heard this song, I've never heard OF this song.

25... "Hot In Herre" by Nelly (2002)
This made me laugh loud. Serriously. I've trried to tell my darrling wife, "hey, its getting hot in herre, so take off all yourr clothes", and in the real worrld, it doesn't worrk. Sorrry.

Let's be rreal herre... I didn't go to a ton of parrties in college, and even less in high school, so I'm not what you'd call, "A Parrty Going Experrt", but I can tell you this from my limited experrience... Chicks that tell you "I am gettin' so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off" are few and farr between. But when you do stumble acrross such a chick, you might be tempted to think, "Awesome!", and perrhaps at 19, I would have thought that. Howeverr, I'm old enough to know now that if such a statement is spoken by said chick, its a good bet she has done this beforre, lest you think you arre the test case for this scenarrio. And in thinking she's prrobably done this beforre, its not a long leap to assume she prrobably has an STD. And although chicks with venerreal diseases arre still people too, that would be someone you want to be fully clothed. I'm just sayin'.

24... "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott (2001)
As much as a I hate this song, its a good reminder that I am a total music hypocrite, and even snob. As much as I dig on "When the taxi man turned on the radio and a Jay-Z song was on... a Jay-Z song was on... a Jay-Z song was on!" and goofy lyrics as such, sometimes the lyrics are just too stupid for even me. And when they are forced together to make a rap, its bad.

Like this song. Man, do I hate this song. I hate everything about it. I hate that beat. I hate that she hocks a loogie in the middle of it. I hate that in the video, she spits in a man's mouth... "In yo' face... open yo' mouth, get you a tays..." I hate the fact it uses "Ur" for "Your". I hate the video. I hate the fact I heard this song 3813 times in 2001.

Let's move on before I throw this nearby Katy Perry CD through the window. I wish I were kidding.

23... "Get the Party Started" by P!nk (2001)
I can't say I hate this song. I really can't say I like it, either. I actually could just take it or leave it. I'm not sure that apathy is what P!nk was going for.

However, I am considering changing my name to dav!d. Its a thought.

22... "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys
Okay, I have several things to say about this song, but first, I must tell you that I do really like this song. It think its a career-defining masterpiece. And I did use the word "Masterpiece" because that's how its performed.

However comma

Have you ever heard the expression "Could sing the phone book and still sound amazing"? That's what this song reminds me of. Allow me to put on my lyrical snobbery hat again, and just tell you, I'm bothered by how simple some of the lyrics are. "Sometimes I love you, sometimes you make me feel blue"? Really? "I never felt this way. How do you give me so pleasure, and cause me so much pain"? Each verse is only, like, two lines! Am I being overly dramatic in wanting a little deeper meaning in my lyrics?

No matter... Keys is amazing in this tune. You know what, forget I said all that. I love this song.

21... "99 Problems" by Jay-Z (2003)
If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you soon, I got 99 problems but a (crude term for someone of the female persuasion) ain't one...

How is this okay? Isn't this song a little misogynistic? Am I being overly critical here?

20... "Toxic" by Britney Spears (2003)
Ugh.

Really? Really? 10,000 songs in a decade and this is the 20th best of all? Seriously?

19... "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child (2001)
Sigh.

And they just keep getting better, don't they? Okay, so this song is fun, and by far better than "Toxic" will ever be, and for the record, I pick Kelly Rowland over Beyonce any day, but I can't put this in my own personal Top 20. Or 50. Or 100. "I don't think you ready for this jelly..." is a fun line, though.

By the way, because of this song, the term "Bootylicious" was added to the dictionary. This is why the terrorists hate us.

18... "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera (2002)
Two things:
First... it is a good song. Yes, we've heard it a thousand times, and in 2002, that was per day, but when it comes down to it, it really is a great tune.

Second... I'm happy she beat out "Toxic". Unlike Britney, Christina has a great non-studio produced voice. Love it.

(sidebar... I'm reviewing this part of the list with The Lovely Steph Leann, getting any feedback, and with Maroon 5, she simply said, "Oh, I like that song"... but with this one, the floodgates freakin' opened... "Oh my gosh, I hate that Aguilera song! I hate it! Hate it!" She then proceeds to sing it in a horrible mocking screeching tone, accenting the word "beautiful" in a terrible pitch. She then ends her tirade by saying, "Hate it." Don't hold back, Steph, tell me how you feel.)

17... "Clocks" by Coldplay (2002)
Who doesn't like this song? Seriously? And if they do a 100 Greatest Songs Intros of Like, Ever, you'd have to see this song up there somewhere.

But let's be clear--I, you, maybe even them, have no idea what this song even means.

16... "Single Ladies (put a ring on it)" by Beyonce (2008)
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!
All the single ladies! All the single ladies!

All the single ladies! All the single ladies!

(is it in your head yet? yes? mission accomplished)

Excuse me Taylor, Imma letcha finish... but Beyonce had one ada greatest videos of all time!

(and yes, I do like this song. its fun. even the lovely steph leann likes it)

15... "Beautiful Day" by U2

Dear Bono,

That's enough. You've had your run, and its been a great one. U2 is one of the biggest bands in the history of the world, and we all know it. Your music will live forever, and transcends generations. Your album "The Joshua Tree" is immaculate. Songs like "With or Without You" and "Streets Have No Name" and "New Years Day" and even later stuff, lesser known stuff like "Mysterious Ways", is music I am excited to let Campbell Isaiah and/or Lorelei Addison experience. [which we now know as Campbell Isaiah only]

But Bono, its 2011. Apparently you put an album out recently, and no one even knew about it. Its time to step away. Its time for you to free up more time for Darfur or the rain forests or Ensley or whatever, and allow Larry Mullen and Adam Clayton time to do more music for Mission Impossible movies, and to say, "Hey, The Edge, its time for us to part." Let it go, Bono. Its time

Signed,

Not sure if this is a performance of "Crazy", and I'm
not sure if that is Danger Mouse in the trooper outfit,
but either way, the picture is cool.

14..."Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley

Holy crap this song is awesome. Like, every beat, every second, every minute detail, every word of this song rulz to the maximum allowance of ruling. "Crazy" is fan-flippin-tastic.

Were I to give my own 2000s list, its easy to put this Top 25, maybe even Top 15. Cee-Lo Green has this unusual, cool as grits voice, and Danger Mouse is just cool for having the nickname Danger Mouse.

13... "American Idiot" by Green Day (2004)

I knew this song would come up, and I was dreading it, mostly because I hate it when I throw up in my mouth. And I just did.

These are the same guys that had an album called "Dookie", and sang about going to a shrink and being told that lack of sex will bring you down. Yes, people can, and do, change. I get that. But really, BJ Armstrong, can you just sing your fun songs and quit telling me that liberals are awesome and conservatives suck?

Sorry... just threw up in my mouth again.

12... "I Gotta Feeling" by The Black Eyed Peas (2009)

The first time I ever heard this song, all I could think of, "This is going to be a party anthem and/or a sports anthem and/or a celebration anthem for ages to come." When B-list celebrities in 1981 were sitting around and discussing the best songs of the decade just completed, I'm sure that someone was saying about "Rock and Roll Part 1" by Gary Glitter the same things they are saying about "I Gotta Feeling"... "Party song..." and "This song is the ultimate going-out song" and "I gotta feeling..." and such.

Personally, I'm a little flabbergasted that "My Humps" hasn't shown up yet... however, we have 11 more to go...

11... "Umbrella" by Rihanna feat. Jay-Z

My main issue with Rihanna? How her name is spelled. When I hear her name, I automatically think Fleetwood Mac's classic "Rhiannon", which was an outside consideration for my kid's name (thought I never shared it with The Lovely Steph Leann. Probably a good thing.)

She's very talented, though through no fault of her own, its a little disconcerting that all of her songs keep breaking all sorts of sales and chart records, and I'm bothered by this. Why should Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" fall to whatever getting-it-on tune Rihanna is blathering out?

That said, this is an addicting song. You know, Umbrella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey...

If this doesn't get stuck in your head, I have this to say:

All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies!

Your welcome.

AND NOW, Vh1's TOP TEN OF the 2000s...

10... "In Da Club" by 50 Cent (2003)

Really? Like, really?

9... "We Belong Together" by Post-Skank Mariah Carey (2005)

I have often referenced my inclination to Pre-Skank Mariah and how awesome she was over Post-Skank Mariah, so I won't go into it.. but I will say that everything after 1997's "Butterfly" album is pure skank. Notably, the song "Honey" is where it all took a turn for the ho.

This song brought her back around again for me. While not my favorite Mariah (that's a tie between "Vision of Love", "Dreamlover" and "Always Be My Baby"... or maybe "Fantasy"), its vintage. Its a throwback, yet just hip enough to be in the 2000s. Ah, pre-skank Mariah, may we see you again soon.

8... "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys (2009)

This is a quite a love letter to a city... a New York City Anthem, and I'm not sure why the city itself hasn't adopted it as its City Anthem.

And Alicia Keys is awesome, as always. I can listen to this song over and over and over, and have. Great, great song.

7... "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake (2006)

Oh no he di'nt! Oh no he di'nt! This song is my jam, y'all, MY Jam!

Okay, not really... but I can see a few of these songs listed on this countdown not necessarily for their artistic merit, but more for their importance, and this song was a monster. Timberlake had broken free from *NSync, and was on his way to superstardom, had some huge hits, and then a few years later, released "Future.Love.Sex.Sounds", and this was the lead-off single. And a catch phrase was born.

Its not even so much that "Sexyback" is cool, it is more that Justin Timberlake singing this is cool. And how many people do you know have used the term "I'm bringing sexy back..."

6... "Gold Digger" by Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx (2005)

Dude. This song. Like, this song. Can't help it. For all the punk that Kanye is and can be, this song is fantastic.

Here's the scene... 2005 Video Music Awards.. I was watching (don't ask me why) and out of the floor of the stage rises one Kanye West and one Jamie Foxx, looking all cool and sleek, posed and frozen. Suddenly, Jamie starts into a "She takes my money... when I'm in need..." then the beat kicks in, and I watch one of the coolest live performances I've ever, ever seen. And its this song.

I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger... she ain't messin' with no broke (broke)

Do me a favor... holla "We want pre-nupt!" (we want pre-nupt!)

I love love love this song

5... "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson (2004)

Everyone likes this song. Some people love it, some only like it a little, but to some degree, everyone likes this song. How can you not? Its infectious like the basement of the CDC...

The Lovely Steph Leann has joined the room for the Top Ten, and she's over on the couch bobbing her head, watching with total interest. And when this song comes on the radio, I sing along. And so do you. Kelly might never have been better before or since... though I do enjoy "Behind These Hazel Eyes". Love me some Kelly Clarkson.

4... "Lose Yourself" by Eminem (2002)

We've now hit the first song on this entire countdown that I could make an argument for being the #1 song of the decade. This song... amazing. And he even won a stinkin' Oscar for it.

Now, my favorite Eminem song is quite simply "Without Me", a totally hilarious, yet quite incredible rhyme... but "Lose Yourself" might be his actual best work. I saw "8 Mile" not too long ago, and its not that bad.

And when Em sings, you believe it. He's blowing the mic away, he's jamming, he's just rapping and singing with so much ferocity, and you really get into it. And if you knew the words, you'd sing along, though you probably don't know the words.

3... "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga (2008)

Sigh.

I have come to accept that Gaga is here to stay. Perhaps in 1982, fuddy duddies like me were saying the same thing about that new Madonna chick that just came up on the scene... and now, here's Lady Gaga.

Okay, she's got a great voice. And "Bad Romance"? I'm a sucker for it. And yes, this song is pretty good. It's catchy. But #3? Really?

2... "Hey Ya!" by Outkast (2003)

Now... if I had to list a "Greatest Songs of the 2000s" and "My Favorite Songs of the 2000s", this song would be #1 on the former list, #2 on the latter list. "Hey Ya!" is one of the best songs ever performed, crossing all genres of awesome. Even The Lovely Steph Leann likes it, and she don't go for the blasted rappin' crappin music! She says, "Its not rap, its pop. I like pop."

The video? Best of the 2000s, in my Top Five All Time. There are EIGHT different Andre 3000s on the stage, and he even manages to slip in a few scandalous lines towards the end (don't read the lyrics if you don't want to know, though its nothing too terrible) but the song is so fun, you don't even notice.

It shows a Beatle-type frenzied performance by the band Andre 3000 and The Love Below, consisting of eight members: Possum Jenkins on bass... Johnny Vulture on guitar (yes ladies, he's still single)... Benjamin Andre (on keyboard)... Dookie on drums... Andre (ice cold) 3000 on lead vocals... and, of course, The Love Haters on backup vocals. And all are played by Andre 3000 himself.

And yes, the song asks you to shake it (you can determine what "it" is) like a Polaroid Picture, and Polaroid had to come out with a statement that said, "Hey ya, you used to coulda shaken our pics, but don't do it anymore, you don't have to."

I love this song, man. I really do.

And finally...

1... "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce feat. Jay-Z (2003)

This song? Beyonce singing along with her babydaddy?

Uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh

No no no

I'm conflicted... while I don't think it should have been the top song of the entire decade, I can't make much of an argument against it--heck, I sing this song sometimes at work.

As Vh1 shows clips from the video, I can only surmise one observation... well, two. First, she jiggles alot. And honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready for that jelly. Secondly, there must have been a heckuva lot of double-sided tape used in those particular outfits.

Great song. Great choice.

And there you go. The Top 100 Songs of the 2000s... agree, disagree, its not my list, its Vh1. What's my list? That's a great question... perhaps soon...

Fiddy Watch, Day 2

2011-12-01T06:48:00.001-06:00

Well, it's early. I was up late, and I was up early. No kid yet and I'm already tired... Guess I'm getting prepared for that state of being.

So, we were supposed to be due on 12/17. The new, fancy schmancy wing of the Brookwood Medical Center opens on December 2nd, which I thought we would pass by at least a week, even if Fiddy came early... But o never imagined she/he would come this early! What the crap, mini me?!

I'll try to keep this page updated today so you will know what's going on... Website traffic, great suspense, big "reveal" at the end, who loses? No one, that's who!

633a
Up, out and on my way to the hospital! Got my pillow, got some clothes, got my toiletries, got my... Crap

637a
Up, out and on my way to the hospital!
Got pillow, got clothes, got my wallet now and... Crap

643a
Up, out and on my way to the hospital! Got my phone charger now!

658a
At Burger King. Their sausage, egg and cheese croissan'wich is so stinkin good. It's sad, though, when the Cole machine is slightly off kilter--too much syrup or not enough, too much carbonation or not enough, I can never tell what the issue is. I have had enough co-cola, bottled, fountain and other, to know when it's not right.

First world problems for $300, Alex

702a
And finally, on the way. It's a crisp 27 degrees outside, the first real frost of the season, nice and sunny. What a great day to have a baby.

724a
There are a few "Expectant Mothers" parking spaces available. I have an expectant mother in this very hospital. So I parked there. And I felt judgment from an also-parking expectant mother. Don't hate.

754a
Due to a number of (non-serious, mostly) issues, Dr. Babysnatcher just came in and said, "I think it's time to have this baby."

823a
So, the "water" in the "water breaking" part of it... That was one of the oddest, and at the same time, most foul smelling things I've ever olfactored. Whew.

843a
Dr. Babysnatcher has told us that it will likely be some time this morning... The Lovely Steph Leann is dozing and I'm trying to stay awake in this sleepy, dimly lit room.

1056a
So far, the morning has been really nothing more than feeding ice chips (four cups so far) in between her naps (about nine of those so far). We are in that weird "in labor but not yet ready to deliver" phase. Perhaps this afternoon.

1236p
I'm always amused at how fast she falls asleep, especially in times of duress... She will be talking to me, and won't finish before she starts a light snore.

1238p
I'm hungry. Like, really hungry. Mama Ruthless left hours ago, going home to shower and coming back soon. I'm at the bedside of The Lovely Steph Leann, and I won't leave her by herself. Do the math and that equals a hungry d$, but can't do anything about it.

Dr. Babysnatcher is coming back around 130 to check up on her, and we will see what happens then... But all signs are good so far.

1243p
Sitting here in a dark room, listening to The Lovely Steph Leann quietly sleep, and my head nods a little. My fingers relax and the phone slips, but then I awake, my reflexes jump into action and I catch the iPhone in midair.

Cause I'm that good. Boo ya, or something.

145p
Me: I see the look on your face. Soon, isn't it?
Her: Yes

149p
Because of her blood pressure, we have opted for the epidural. She didn't want it, but it's about the safest option now.

211p
CONTRACTION!!!

214p
CONTRACTION!!!!!!

217p
All I know is, I couldn't do this

221p
I'm outside while they do the epidural. Not to be too selfish, but holy crap I'm hungry.

227p
So, now that I'm outside the room with time to reflect, I gotta say... I'm one heck of a good breathing coach. The downside? I'm pretty lightheaded right now. And starving. Not a championship combination.

236p
Because they are in the room and I'm not allowed to be right now, I had to go down the hall to the bathroom. And there are all sorts of bellows and wails coming from various closed doors along the way. I'm not convinced that I didn't just pass a room with a delivering beluga whale. And it might have been singing Beiber.

238p
At this point, when I stop posting for a few minutes means that we--I say "we", when all I'm doing is breathing in a rhythmic fashion--are actually having a baby. Good times.

315p
You ever have that friend that calls you up, in a frenzybusyhurry to tell you that they are coming over, like, RIGHT NOW!!! so you gotta clean up, run around and put things away, hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and get ready...

...only to find out that even though you rushed and took shortcuts to get ready, they arent coming over for a while--only they don't call, they just fail to show up...

Yeah, that's our kid.

328p
Alrighty... Here we go. As Rafiki would say... "it is time."

437p
Campbell Isaiah Dollar is here

446p
He weighs 8lbs, 3oz... 21 3/4 inches. He is perfect.

507p
I know that this is supposed to be magical, and it was amazing... But this was one of the weirder things I've ever seen... Just saying.

552p
Well, there you have it. I wanted to write this blog so our friends and family could follow along and know what's happening, so I can remember the day better and so little Campbell can read about it one day too.

We have noticed that little man... well, he is a crier. But we love him.

Thanks for all the well wishes on Facebook and here, and thanks to all the guys sent me texts and offered food and nursery help and so on...

What a monumental day...

Be My, Be My Baby (be my little baby...)

2011-12-01T01:33:00.000-06:00

So I wanted to use a song with the word "Baby" in the title, and thought The Ronettes classic was as good as any. I considered Amy Grant's "Baby Baby" and even TLC's "Baby Baby Baby", but "Be My Baby" is better.

And for those of you thinking, "Oh geez, another list he isn't going to finish...", speaking of The 100 Greatest Songs of the 2000s, never fear, my dear my dear, as I have finished it. I've written the entire thing, and was going to finish my links, pics and videos on it, and give it a few tweaks when...

343p
"Hey," I answered the phone when it rang.
"Uh..." came the other voice, belonging to The Lovely Steph Leann, "So, my doctors appointment was today, right...?"
"Yeah. Did you miss it or something?"
"No, I'm still here. As a matter of fact, the doctor told me that I can't go home. They are wheeling me down to Labor and Delivery."
"What?! Like, right now?"
"Yup. Like, right now, I'm in a wheelchair, and I'm being taken downstairs. The baby comes tonight or tomorrow."

Looking at my calendar, I notice that its Wednesday, November 30th, NOT Saturday, December 17th... as in, our due date was 12/17, not 11/30. Or even 12/1. So, Fiddy Cent is something like two and a half weeks early.

"So, do I need to come down there now? What do I do?"
"Well, wait until I get settled in Labor and Delivery. I'll call you back and tell you if I'm for sure staying, or they are sending me home."

402p and 14 seconds to 402p and 17 seconds
Here are my complete thoughts.

Like holy cow the nursery isnt ready did you see john and ashley wolf's nursery for evalie it was like done two months before she even showed up and we still have a futon couch in our nursery that has to be moved but it cant be moved yet because of all the stuff in the hallway to be sorted through donated recycled and thrown out and we still dont have all of our stuff yet i mean we bought a stroller last night but its still in the back of stephs car unassembled with the car seat so we dont even have a stinking car seat in workable use just yet and apparently we have to have a base for it to go in our car and it has to be installed to be safe what is up with that but it doesnt matter because we dont have it even put together much less installed and survivor is on tonight guess i will miss it though its getting good and we are supposed to get a baby monitor from a family that pledged to buy us one but they haven't bought it yet so do we go ahead and buy it or wait it out because i think it would be rude to say something to them but we kinda need to know and craig campbell what the heck is the bernie dance never heard of it and holy crap my wife might be having a baby right now she is having a baby soon but what if its right now do i want a boy boys are smelly and stinky but drama free for the most part or do i want a girl girls are full of drama and gossip but they smell like lavender and are much more likely to enjoy watching meet me in st louis with her daddy and what if our kid doesnt like disney stuff i mean we can force it on him her whoever but that doesnt mean they will be genetically inclined to like it and i dont even have a tree up yet and there are still like four bouncy seat play pen things up in the uncompleted nursery that aren't even put together yet and did you know there are like nineteen different kinds of bottle nipples that word makes me giggle because im a boy and stephanie is having a baby holy cow we aren't even ready for this...

445p
I start making a mad dash around the house, preparing an overnight bag, not sure what to take and what not to take. Do I take some of the kids clothes? I want my first pics of this kid to be in something cool, like the Rocky Balboa onesie I bought for Campbell Isaiah, or the pink princessy job I got for Lorelei Addison, not some drab hospital issued whatever. What do I take for myself? Am I coming back? Will I be able to?

505p
Phone rings. Its The Lovely Steph Leann. And the orders are simply, "Come on down. Dr. Babysnatcher will be in the room in a little while for an update. I'd like to have you with me." Yes ma'am! So, I toss a few more things into the back, including toothbrushes and pastes and clothes and so on and so forth, and shoot out the door.

Now, before I go calling anyone and everyone, I want to make sure this isn't a false alarm or anything. Don't want Melanie giving away all my own hours at work only to find out Saturday that, yes, I need those hours back, whoops.

552p
In Room 8 of Labor and Delivery. The Lovely Steph Leann is in the bed next to me, IV in her arm, shooting up magnesium like a boss, and Dr. Babysnatcher comes in. And yes, this baby is coming tonight. Or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. But possibly tonight. Holy crap.

554p
I do get in touch with a few people, including my manager (and best friend) Melanie. Within a few minutes, she replies back that she's got my shifts covered at work already. And this is why she rules. Well, that, and she's gorgeous. That helps. Where was I? Oh yeah, the baby...

631p
The plans are made. I am going to go out again, get my own self some dinner, come back to The Cabana and get some stuff that I forgot to get for her, then go get her some dinner. Her mom will come and stay the night with her, and I'll get a few hours of sleep and be back early tomorrow morning (yes, thats in about five hours, sue me)

723p
Finally actually leaving the hospital

741p
Walking around The Cabana, gathering necessary supplies, thinking to myself, "Wow. So, this will be the last evening I'll spend here without a kid down the hall." I fail to give myself the reproachful look that she gave me when I told this to her.

821p
Sitting at Chick-fila, eating a chicken sandwich, observing that I'll make it back to the hospital by 9, which is important, because some of the main doors at the Women's Center are locked at 9p, and you have to use a different entrance and a separate parking area. This is good.

825p
Get a call from Mama Ruthless, the mom-in-law and soon to be grandmother for the 3rd time. I gotta go pick her up and take her to the hospital. This kills my 9p plan. Sighing, I agree, and go back to eating my sandwich.

841p
Arrive at the In-Laws house. See Mama Ruthless, thinking there's an outside shot we might make it still.

853p
Seeing her get into the vehicle, and realizing that there's no shot that we might make that 9pm cutoff

912p
Pull up at Brookwood After Hours entrance. Drop off, unload, then go find the parking deck that I can get into

914p
Figure out that the doors that were supposed to be locked are not locked, and I freely move through the sidewalks and corridors. Whoops

944p
Leave The Lovely Steph Leann with her mom and head home, thinking about all the crap that we really haven't done. Heck, we got our stroller last night, and until a few minutes later, it was still in the back of Steph's car.

127a
So, I've made a run to Wal-Mart, and then spent the better part of three hours now cleaning up the house, washing baby clothes and assembling a stroller and car seat. And I'm really, really tired.

So, I'l end this here... I did install a new app on the phone for Blogger, so I'm hoping to be able to update during the day to the website.

Do you want to know if its a boy or girl? Well, a few special people will know first--Melanie... Wookiee... Mikey... a select few more. Otherwise, check this site tomorrow... you'll read it here first.

And if you think I'm using the occasion of my child's birth to actually drive traffic to my website... well... you might be right. So there.

The Best Songs of the 2000s (Part I)

2011-11-23T15:28:00.000-06:00

Hey! Remember me?! Of course you do! Heck, I've gained about twenty followers on Facebook since I haven't blogged in a few weeks, so perhaps in order to get to 300 or something, I should never blog again! But what fun would that be?

So, this is #800. I had started writing something a bit special, something a little personal, a story I've audibly told to a few people--and a church congregation--but hadn't written, and I thought "wow, for this blogging milestone of mine own, perhaps I should do something such as this..." And having to write it a bit at a time, its just not getting done. It might be December before I get this done... and today, I just want to be a little funny. I'll try, anyway.

A few months back, and by a "few months back", I mean September of 2010, I blogged about a Vh1 countdown on the Greatest Songs of the 90s... Part One is here... and Part Two is here.

Well, flipping the channels one day, looking at the grid on DishNetwork, and see on Vh1 that "The Greatest 100 Songs of the 2000s" is on. All five hours of it, all five parts, from 100 to the best song of the years 2000 to 2009...

Now, when watching this show, you must understand, I haven't seen this show at all. So, as I list each song and talk about each one, I'm discovering it for the first time on this countdown.

Without further Gerard Depardeau, let's get this thing going...

#100... "The Thong Song" by Sisquo
This might be one of the dumbest songs I've ever heard. Like, I enjoy some crappy music... but Sisqo isn't just having fun, he's pouring passion into his lyrics. About a thong. A major one hit wonder. One of the best undie songs, I guess.

#99... "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
THIS is the "You Oughta Know" of this decade. Carrie ain't playing, as she dug the keys into the side of the purty little souped up four wheel drive, got her name in his leather seats, took a Louisville Slugger to the headlights, there are now holes in ALL four tires, and perhaps, just maybe, he'll think about it before he cheats... but he ain't cheatin' on her. She ain't giving him the chance.

The Lovely Steph Leann loves this song. A little too much, methinks.

#98... "Kryptonite" by Three Doors Down (2000)
Dude! I freakin' love this song! I don't really know exactly what it really means, but this song rules. Three Doors Down is kind of like Nickleback's tribute band... or maybe Nickelback is Three Doors Down's tribute band? I dunno.

But, I do have a question...

If I go crazy, will you STILL call me Superman?

#97... "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy, feat. Rik Ross (2000)
The entire appeal of this song is Shaggy and his ridiculous voice. The moral of this song is, she saw you with that chick, she has the evidence to prove it, and Shaggy just replies "It wasn't me..." Seriously. Honestly, I can't really tell you what Shaggy even says, be it here ,or that crazy "Boombastic" song.

#96... "Don't Cha" by The Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes (2006)

I'll take the Spice over the Pussycat any day.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2000s version of The Spice Girls, I give you the Pussycat Dolls! Whether you think they are attractive or not is irrelevant... they ~~think~~ know they are, and they not only want you to know it, but your chick too. Don't cha wish your chick was ~~a bra-wearing slut with all sorts of venereal diseases~~ hot like me, don't cha?

You know what?

The Spice Girls > The Pussycat Dolls.

There, I said it.

#95... "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (2005)
Holy crap was this song annoying. I mean, can you be a man and still be as whipped as Jimmy Blunt comes across being? Seriously. And EVERY girl I knew loved this song, and no wonder, the entire four minutes is nothing but him telling her how good looking she is. Sheesh. Its like, they are all saying, "I wish my man would sing this to me." I feel like the song is a 3 minute theme to The Hallmark Channel. Next.

And James Blunt even says that the song is a sad one, about heartbreak and crap... which makes me happy. Ha!

Erin the Marine Wife... this one is for you.

#94... "Its Not Over" by Daughtry (2006)
Dude, Chris Daughtry is kinda cool... and just about EVERY woman I know loves them some Daughtry, especially Erin the Marine Wife. Holy crap does she love her some C-Dah...

This is a pretty good song, and truly, he's kinda easy to like. And probably the most successful non-winner of American Idol, Jennifer Hudson's Oscar aside, Chris Daughtry has this cool voice that sounds like, if Scott Stapp from Creed and Chad Kroeger from Nickelback hooked up and somehow fathered a child, with some Three Doors Down lead singer guy thrown in there, it would be Chris Daughtry. Just sayin'.

Seriously, though... is this the 94th best song of the decade?

#93... "Here It Goes Again" by OKGo (2006)
Alright... this speaks to this indy/emo/non-radio kind of bands that became huge in the last ten years, getting fame not from Spinderella kickin' it up one time (that's Disc Jockeys who used to play the songs on the airwaves, to help you young folk with your new fangledy Spotify and Pandora and crap) but rather through digital media, YouTube, websites and so on. Bands like OKGo, Panic! at the Disco, TV on the Radio, and even artists like Jack Johnson, and such.

I'll be honest with ya... you could toss out ten songs and say, "Nine of these are OKGo and one is Panic! at the Disco, pick the Panic! song" and I'd probably fail miserably. They all sound alike.

And I'll go on record and say the ONLY reason this song is on this list is because of that dancing treadmill routine in the video. Very cool routine, song is not memorable.

#92... "Low" by Flo Rida feat. T-Pain (2007)
While I don't have much to say about this song, I like how this one guy on the show discussing this song is wearing a shirt that says, "Negroes On Ice". Yes, he's black. But I'm not sure that anyone but a black dude could wear that shirt.

This song was featured in "Tropic Thunder" when Les Grossman (Tom Cruise) was welcoming us to "The Goody Room."

#91... "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed (2007)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No one likes this song. Stop nodding. You don't like it either.

If I'm sitting on a hilltop, stretching my arms and singing about Campbell Isaiah, you freakin' punch me in the face, because I'll deserve it.

Oh. So that's a Mystikal. Hm.

#90... "Shake Ya A**" by Mystikal (2000)
Wait.. what?

What the heck is a Mystikal?

How did this rank above "Its Not Over" by Daughtry? This might be the worst song I've heard since #91.

Funnily enough, I looked up the Mystik Man himself on Wiki, and read about his brief career, his feuds with other rappers, and his prison time for extortion and sexual assault of his hair stylist, among other things.

Then I read where, upon release from prison, he talked about how all success he had seemed like a dream, and how he now wants to come back... then he says, "...but now watch how I shake things up -- I want reparations." Really? Your forced yourself upon your hairstylist and YOU think you are owed payment? Really? What an idiot.

Were I rapper, I think I'd have to find myself a feud to make a name for myself. I'd probably try to stir some crap up with rappers I know I could out-dis, like Ja Rule, Common and maybe Will Smith, who just seems too nice. I'd dis them in my rap songs titled, "Ja Rule Ain't No Gangsta" and "Common is a Homo N****". But I'd stay away from anything having to do with Suge Knight, because I don't want to get shot. Or eaten.

Let's move on.

#89... "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. (2007)
How old am I? I've never even heard of this song... what is an M.I.A.? Is she related to Mystikal?

This makes me fearful that I'm going to hear Ke$ha somewhere on this list, which might shoot the credibility of this entire countdown in the foot.

This is a horrible song! This is the worst song I've heard since #90... and #91!

#88... "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne (2003)
Now THIS is a memorable song. When you meet someone named Stacy... or Tracy... or Lacy... or Gracie... or any other "acy" name, don't tell me that "...mom has got it going on..." doesn't pop into that head.

I don't know if it works this way in bigger cities, but in small towns it seems like there is one mom that all the guys--from about age 12 to 15--are like, "dude... Mrs. (insert Mom name here) is so pretty!" or "hot!" or "awesome". Yes, there was one in Samson too. And my buddies and I, all 13 years old, all thought she was gorgeous. Her son was/is a good guy, but I always felt bad for him with the whole, "Dude, stop looking at my mom!" thing.

#87... "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness (2003)
This song frakkin' rules. Its a complete homage and/or parody of all that crazy hair metal from the late 80s... channeling Slaughter and Winger and Warrant and early Poison and Damn Yankees and all that crap, I feel like this song brought a Hair Band Education to the kids of today. My brother in law Tyler so dug this song.

And the video, with the Freddie Mercury falsetto rocking out, is awesome.

#86... "Jaded" by Aerosmith (2000)
Hey, look, its Aerosmith with a song that sounds like a ton of their other songs! Probably one of my least favorite Aerosmith songs. Try "Love in an Elevator". Much better.

#85... "I Try" by Macy Gray (2000)
I don't even know what to say about this song. I mean... it sucks. It just does. Toss it in the Mystikal pile. Wait... Macy Gray... isn't her career... M.I.A.? Ha! See what I did there?

#84... "In the End" by Linkin Park (2004)
This is a great driving song. I love how they got the rap going on with the rock... "I try so haaaaard... and got so faaaar... in the end, it doesn't even maaaaatter...."

I really dig this tune... not much of their other stuff, but this one is cool. Probably one of my 500 favorite songs of all time... wait... I don't own this song? What? What the...?

(click over to iTunes... type "Linki" and "Linkin Park" comes up. Click on "Linkin Park". Scroll and see "In the End" for $1.29. Purchase. Done.)

Yes I love technology... but not as much as you, you see... yes, I love technology... now and forever...

#83... "Untitled (how does it feel)" by D'Angelo (2000)
So, like, D'Angelo is this one hit wonder from the cusp of the decade that sang this sensual, sexy, somewhat kinda silly song, all R&B and such, nothing you haven't heard from Ralph Tresvant or Johnny Gill or the like. I'm not saying its a bad song, but its not anything revolutionary.

It was the video, however, that gives this song its popularity. D'Angelo is cut and chiseled to body perfection, and he shows it off. All of it. The video just him singing, black background contrasting his dark skin, and he's pretty much nekkid. And chicks went crazy over this. And the dudes were like, "Dude, man, put a freakin' shirt on at least. Put some pants on, for the love!"

I would imagine if D'Angelo had actually sung "You're Beautiful" while doing this same video, women worldwide would have spontaneously combusted.

#82... "Unwell" by matchboxtwenty (2003)
Perhaps its just my soft-rock preference, perhaps its just that I like a good singer/song writer, perhaps I just enjoy a guitar, a band and a good voice like Rob Thomas has... either way, I dig this tune.

Go back to the Greatest Songs of the 90s, and at #48 is one of my all time favorite, Top 25 songs ever, "3am"... "Unwell" isn't as good as that one, though this is singable, its meaningful and the opening with the banjo is great.

By the way, do you remember when they went from Matchbox 20 to matchbox twenty? They weren't crazy, they were just a little unwell. I know, right now, you can't tell.

(in leading to commercial, Vh1 just informed me, during a segment about 2000s artists wearing fedoras, that Ne-Yo has made at least 12 music videos with fedoras in them. That means that he has done over 12 videos, just a dozen of them have fedoras. My point is... when did Ne-Yo put out 12 singles?")

#81... "The Rising" by Bruce Springsteen (2002)
See, this is hard because this song came out after, and partly because of, 9/11. As an homage to the NYFD, its an emotional, powerful song that to me, is a pretty good song, but mostly because of its origins. However, I must say that the dude from OKGo just tried to tell me that "It was the first musical response to 9/11..." and I say, "Bullcorn to that poppycock..." I would give that crown to Alan Jackson and his version of "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning", a much better song. Dubya Rulz! Obama's a foolz!

#80... "Get Low" by Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz feat. Ying Yang Twins
When your artist name is six times as long as the song you are singing, it might be time to drop a few ampersands and feature tags. Just saying.

Didn't Flo Rida already do this song? Wait, that was "Low"... so this song is helped the birth of Crunk, I guess. And I think this might be the song that Sandra Bullock was shaking her Mystikal too in "The Proposal" around the fireplace... maybe?

YYEAYAHH.... OHHHKAYYY!!

#79... "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias (2001)
This song sucks. Got nothing else to say.

The video had Mickey Rourke in it, and he kills Enrique in it, so the video has some redeeming qualities. And it has Jennifer Love Hewitt. So, when the video comes on, just hit mute.

#78... "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's (2006)
This proves the power of a dude and his guitar. What a great, great song. Its catchy, its soft and its fun to sing.

I always thought if Factor 7 would have hit it big, it would have been with a song like this, with Drew Morris plucking a guitar and Brad Latta softly singing.

#77... "This Is How You Remind Me" by Nickelback (2001)
Remember the days before Nickelback became a punchline? Back when all their songs didn't sound so much alike, because you only had a few songs to compare? And how crappy do you feel if you are Nickelback and over 50,000 people sign a petition to keep you from singing at an NFL Game halftime show?

Poor Nickelback.

I'VE BEEN WRONG

(bom bom)

I'VE BEEN DOWN

(bom bom)

TO THE BOTTOM OF EVERY BOTTLE

Say what you want, this song rocks.

#76... "Live Your Life" by T.I. feat. Rihanna
Okay, I'll admit it... this song is kinda fun. Sorta. Though it makes me think about "The Hangover", in which is was prominently.

Speaking of Mystikal, back to the stupid name thing, I don't have a problem with T.I.... its the fact he has an alter ego named T.I.P. What does that even mean? And T.I. and T.I.P., being the same person, are different that T-Pain, right? I should get my gangstas straight.

#75... "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw (2004)
Let me tell ya, in 2004, this song was EEEEEEVVVVVEERRRRYYWWWHHHEEEERRRREEE.... you could not turn around without hearing this song. Every other American Idol contestant sang this song, and I kept expecting Ryan Seacrest to tell us, "And next week, its "I Don't Wanna Be" week, where EVERY remaining Idol will sing this song. Twice!"

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. Uh... me too? Me either? I dunno how to answer that.

Much, much better.

#74... "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire feat. Krayzie Bone (2006)
I'll be transparent and say that I cannot, for the life of me, hear this song and not only think about, but replace lyrics with, the song "White and Nerdy" by Weird Al, picturing Donny Osmond dancing in the background, Judy Tenuta on the couch and Seth Green showing off his Star Wars figures.

If there is any justice in this world, "White and Nerdy" would be on this list somewhere.

Oh, and shout out to Krayzie Bone, from Bone Thugs N Harmony, representin'... boo ya. Or something.

#73... "Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland
Dude, early Nelly Furtado, that "Fly Like a Bird" and "Follow Me Down" junk--hated it. It was horrible. However, Nelly Furtado 2.0 with "Say It Right" and this song... okay, basically anything where Timbaland is involved... I freakin' love me some Nelly Furtado 2.0.

This song Rules with a Capital R. I think of OKGo joined with Timbaland, I'd listen. Especially if Nelly Furtado was singing lead. Love me some Furtado.

#72... Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet (2003)
Awesome song. Just crazy, funny rock and roll, stupid lyrics, gangly band, and all kinds of a party going on. This was an awesome driving song. Makes me want to shake my head around to and fro... well, not while driving, mind you.

(just realized I didn't have this song in my music library... so naturally, I went to iTunes and paid the 69 cents... but along the way, I made an important discovery. Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band now has ALL their major hits available. This is a big deal because "Rock & Roll Never Forgets" was not available--until now. And so not only did I pick up a great little rock tune from 2003, I picked up one of the all time classic driving songs ever. I rule)

#71... "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat (2007)
Gotta say, I love me some Colbie Caillat. Like, she makes my life better. And this song started it all. She's so darn cute, and she's got this incredible coffee house voice...

And her CDs only get better and better. Colbie is so great... and did you know she auditioned for American Idol, WITH THIS SONG, and didn't make it! So, she used MySpace, back when anyone actually used MySpace. Love love love this song.

#70... "Run It!" by Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana
Can't beat Chris Brown. Just ask Rihanna. Ha! (too soon?)

Oh, the song? Eh. I'm not entirely convinced that he and Ne-Yo aren't actually the same person, kind of like a T.I./T.I.P. thing.

#69... "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence (2003)
This is a very good song, though it suffered greatly from the "overplay" that happens when great song becomes a very popular great song and radio stations feel the need to play the absolute crap out of it. I think its a reflection of how short our attention span is--and how we listen to the radio for about, oh, three minutes, so they have to play the popular songs over and over to keep you listening...

So you had this awesome chick singing and this dude rapping and this chick turns around and starts belting out the melodrama, and its just so cool.

#68... "Stand Up" by Ludacris feat. Shawnna (2003)
Holy crap do I love this song. Don't get me wrong, I like Luda, but I'll admit he's very, very dirty sometimes, and I don't listen to his filthy stuff... but talk about a party anthem? And that video is freakin' awesome... midgets... chicks eating fried chicken... babies peeing... big afros... and boy does Luda love him some fried chicken and thick women.

#67... "Bleedin' Love" by Leona Lewis (2007)
If music could be a contagious disease, this song would be an epidemic. Now, that's not to say its bad, but its catchy and it spreads and its AWESOME. She'll never have another hit like this--this is what she'll forever be known for. And that's not a bad thing.

Keep bleedin', keep keep bleedin' love... you cut me open and I... (its in your head now, ain't it? It should be)

#66... "Drop It Likes It Hot" by Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell (2004)
Catch phrase alert! Catch phrase alert!

Its like Snoop comes into relevance about every five years with some stupid song that sucks you in and makes you repeat it over and over, then he disappears, then comes back in another five years. Snoop is a legend.

I feel like Pharrell is a cheaper version of Timbaland. Get in the welfare line, get your buttah, your cheez, and your rap producer.

#65... "Try Again" by Aaliyah (2000)
More Timbaland! So, even though I don't know a lot of her music, I dig Aaliyah. Perhaps it was her Oscar nominated turn in "Romeo Must Die", one of my 250 favorite movies of all time. No, seriously, I love the crap out of that movie.

RIP Aaliyah.

#64... "I'm Real (murder remix)" by Jennifer Lopez feat. Ja Rule
What in the world happened to Ja Rule? Wasn't he supposed to be huge? I feel like that Ja Rule and Mystikal are hanging at a crib somewhere. And T.I. will join them in the "No Career Anymo'" support group.

This song is kinda fun, but annoying after a while. Kinda like Jennifer Lopez, who, for my money was at her peak with "Waiting for Tonight" from the album "On the 6". After that, not so much.

And by the way, should I be disturbed that there is a version of "I'm Real", then there is a remix of "I'm Real" called "The Murder Remix?" Just curious.

#63... "Party Hard" by Andrew WK (2001)
Who the...

What the heck is...

I mean, I've never heard this song... I've never heard OF this song...

Maybe I'm just old. The Lovely Steph Leann has joined me in this viewing, and is staring blankly at the television. She shrugs, says, "Geez..." and turns back to her Nook.

Who is Andrew WK? Is he related to Louis CK?

#62... "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne
So, I'm not actually equipped to enjoy this song properly. (A) I'm not a chick... (B) I'm not an 11 year old chick... (C) I don't go to the mall... (D) I don't live in the rough suburbs of Canada...

And I feel like Avril peaked here. She kinda took herself too seriously after this, and tried to hard to be a "real artist". It is kinda catchy, though.

#61... "Milkshake" by Kelis (2003)
Holy crap does this song suck. I mean, like, hard.

However comma

I have been known to drop the line, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..." for no apparent reason.

But this song does still suck.

#60... "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha (2009)
Speaking of suck...

Someone told me the other day there was something they liked about Ke$ha... I asked, "What?" and they replied, "She knows she's not very good, but she just does her thing anyway."

Okay, you know what... I kinda like this song. And I hate hate HATE myself for saying that. Forget I said that.

(for the record... I just bought the song on iTunes. I don't even know myself anymore)

#59... "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake (2002)
This song is dadgum awesome... not just the song is cool, but because Timberlake is giving the middle finger straight up to Britney Spears. I mean, like, "Suck it, ho" with this song... even the video portrays the whole scenario between him and BritBrit, and how it all went bad.

The Lovely Steph Leann just got all philosophical and asked, "If they had stayed together... would he have turned into the playboy he is, and would she have gone off the deep end?" Deep stuff.

#58... "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz (2008)
Here's the word I use to describe this song: Pleasant.

Its so pleasant. It makes me smile, its peppy, its poppy, its happy, life is breezy easy wheezy beautiful and just... just so... pleasant.

I do dig me some Jason Mraz, though I like "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)" and especially "You and I Both", which I just discovered The Lovely Steph Leann had never heard... so guess what we are listening to right now, as the DVR is on pause?

#57... "Family Affair" by Mary J. Blige (2001)
Oh. This song is called "Family Affair"? I seriously thought it was called "Dance For Me" or "Let's Dance For Me" or something like that. "Family Affair". Well, now you know.

However... "Real Love" is the ultimate Mary J. Blige. Ultimate. That is one of my favorite 100 songs of all time. This song? Yeah, its kinda okay.

#56... "Party (up in here)" by DMX (2000)
Y'all gon' make me looz my mine... up in heh, up in heh
Y'all gon' make me act ah foo... up in heh, up in heh

Who doesn't love this song? Well, okay, probably Amarylis by Morning (up from san antone). And maybe Marky Mark. And definitely The Lovely Steph Leann, who is trying to ignore the tv.

But I think its fun.

#55... "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers (2004)
Um... OKGo? Panic? TV on the Radio? Same thing?

The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up... "Hey! They play this in 'The Holiday'!"

#54... "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones (2002)
Talk about peaceful. Norah's voice is so sweet and beautiful and happy. And so is this song. I can hear this song anytime, and it makes me sway a little, light a candle and find a movie on The Hallmark Channel.

Norah Jones rulez.

#53... "All The Small Things" by Blink-182 (2000)
This was the early part of the decade version of the Panic/Killers/OKGo soundalikes... Blink-182, Sum 41 and a slew of other bands that are sorta punky, sorta poppy, sorta dorky and sorta ska-ish. I mean, what can I say about this song... I like it when I hear, and now that the segment is over, I already forgot about it.

#52... "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean (2006)
Now, I'm in the minority of people that isn't all into Shakira, nor do I find her hips all that fascinating. Yes, she can move them, but I know someone who can do belly dancing, and those hips are much better. Um... should I have said that? Never mind.

She looks like a hula dancer on a dashboard.

#51... "Pocket Full of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield (2008)
If "Bleedin' Love" was the sad, melancholy song that stuck in your head for a few hours, this song is the peppy one that takes over your mind for flipping DAYS.

It will forever be associated with Emma Stone in "Easy A", a great, great film.

I gotta pocket gotta pocket fulla sunshine I gotta love and I know that it's all mine whoa... oh whoa oh...
(everybody)
TAKE ME AWAAAAAAYYYY
THE SWEET ESCAAAAAAPE
TAKE ME AWAAAAAAYYYY

#50... "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift (2009)
Here's my man card. You'll be asking for it anyway when I tell you...

I FRIKKIN LOVE THIS SONG. Probably in my Top Ten of the entire decade.

And the video? Snobby Taylor vs. Nerdy Taylor... One of my favorite ten favorite videos of ALL TIME.

And I can sing. Every. Single. Word. of this song. Cause I just dig it.

#49... "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga (2009)
I was wondering when we'd getting to Gaga. This is a great song, a fun song, as long as you don't actually have to look at her. I'm afraid if I saw this, or any, of her videos in their entirety, I'd have to seek help.

There are all these people trying to give their opinions on the artistry and genius of the video and how its done and the costumes and such, and I wonder if anyone gives thought to the idea that maybe, just maybe, Gaga is like, "Hey, what can we do that makes no sense whatsoever? Like, the least amount of sense possible. Let's do that."

So I choose not to watch Gaga videos. There are some things you can't un-see.

#48... "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon (2009)
Oh yeah, its the Kings of Leon and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

#47... "Lady Marmalade" by Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya and P!nk (2001)
First... I liked "Moulin Rouge" very much. Second, this song has sentimental value because before we even started dating, one of the key things I learned from The Lovely Steph Leann was the exact pronunciation of "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir), voulez vous coucher avec moi". I couldn't say it for the life of me, and she graciously walked me through it. Its the little things, really.

The third thing about this song that makes me laugh is at the end, when they are all singing, "Marma-laaaade.... marma-laaade..." and each chick gets her own little riff to let those vocals flow... Christina does it. P!nk does it. Mya does it. And Lil' Kim? All she gets out is "uh uh uh uh uh uuuuhh...."

And this video? Its like the word "slut" threw up all over the camera. Cause they are singing about hookin'. Decide for yourself how you feel about that.

#46... "Picture" by Kid Rock with Sheryl Crow (2002)
How did this song even work? Like, Kid Rock is this obnoxious rocker rapper dude that drinks beer and smokes crack and bangs chicks and don't give no rip... and Sheryl is a chick with a guitar. And yet, this song works. Works really, really well.

In fact, take out the fact that they played this song 3,877 times a day (in between "Bleedin' Love"), and the fact that they played this on rock stations and country stations and soft rock stations and everywhere else... take that out, and really... this is a great, great song.

#45... "Let Me Blow Ya Mind" by Eve feat. Gwen Stefani (2001)
This song is so stupid.

But I love it.

What can I say? I dig me some Gwen Stefani. Even that stupid Hollaback crap--I love it. So, even though Eve is a no talent cricket biscuit, Gwen makes up for her completely.

#44... "Californication" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers (2000)
These guys have been around for 34 forevers, and will be around for another 34 more, I'm sure. And this song is awesome. And even after all this time, Flea is still an idiot.

#43... "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry (2008)
Ladies and gentlemen, America's favorite Pastor's Daughter Rocker Bad Girl! Former Christian music singer (and she wasn't that great as Katy Hudson) joined the pop culture identity with this ode to the Lesbaterian Church. Personally, not a fan of this song, lesbian themes aside.

However...

#42... "Drops of Jupiter (tell me)" by Train (2001)
...this song I am totally all about. Probably one of my 50 favorite songs of all time, and Top Ten of the Decade for me, easy. Its so much fun to sing along to, and "Love, Pride, Deep Fried Chicken" was a serious consideration for the name of this here blog.

Now, I can tell you that I'm not sure what its actually about... but ya wanna know how I won The Lovely Steph Leann? I promised her the best soy latte that she'd ever had... and me. Too bad she doesn't like soy.

Man I love this song.

#41... "Trapped in the Closet" by R. Kelly (2005)
Where do I even begin with this song? Like, seriously? This song is so long, its has CHAPTERS... like, almost two dozen of them. Its so bizarre, so weird, so rambling, so meandering, nothing but R. Kelly telling a story of infidelity and jail and the ghetto and other stuff from about 40 different perspectives, including the perspective of being trapped in the closet.

Its an R&B soap opera, and I don't say that as a joke. And somehow, someway, I'm completely entertained by the entire thing.

By the way, Weird Al's "Trapped in the Drive Thru" is even better.

Welp, that's Part 1 of The Greatest Songs of the 2000s, at least according to Vh1... look out for Part II coming very soon, as soon as I watch it and blog it... and I hope for darn sure its got some better stuff than some of this junk we've seen already. For every Coblie or "Drops of Jupiter", there are like, 5 M.I.A.s and a Mystikal. Stay tuned.

At 799

2011-10-27T17:26:00.000-05:00

So, you are reading Blog Post number 799. To be honest, I've probably at least 820, maybe 830 or so, but over time, many have been deleted for various reasons... either they just sucked, it was stuff I didn't want posted anymore, or it was no longer relevant.

And where have I been? If there was a town called Busy, that would be my home at this point... though to say that, its not entirely fair, because I have had some free time--but either I'm wrapped up in The DFC, I'm working on the podcast materials or I'm just not doing anything because I've spent so much time doing all the other stuff that I need a moment to just be. Just be.

That being said, I'm not neglecting the site, I promise. I value each and every click I get on the page, and I thank you for it... and one of the reasons I've not posted much is because I'm approaching Post #800 so quickly. And I want to do something special for Post #800... I just haven't had time to write it yet.

The Lovely Steph Leann is upstairs finishing a packing job, and we leave for a few days of vacation time with some dear, dear friends, and also some family that will already be there. But when I return, I plan on sitting at this very desk and writing out what I want to say for my 800th "publish" click.

So please bear with me just a bit longer, know I haven't forgotten you, Dear Coffee Drinker, and in fact, this is a good time for you to go back and find some other stuff you may have missed. To the right and down are tons of "tags" on all sorts of subjects--go for it.

And if you are reading this on Facebook, you should bookmark the Clouds page too. Oh yeah, I also own cloudsinmycoffee dot com, and will me making that change soon. Hopefully. Maybe for number 800.

More to come.

The Silver Apple of Death

2011-10-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

I was 28 years old before I got my first cell phone. I kinda wanted one a few years before that, living at The Deuce, but my credit was so bad that Bellsouth required a $1000 deposit before signing me up. Well, you can guess that if I needed a grand for a deposit before getting a phone, then I probably didn't actually have $1000 anyway, so that went by the wayside.

When I got married, The Lovely Steph Leann kinda forced one on me. I say "forced", though I wasn't necessarily opposed to it. It was a little flip phone Motorola job, said "Cingular" on the front and served its purpose--that purpose not being for the interweb or emails or pics or anything else, that purpose only being for what its name sake says... cellular PHONE.

Like many people, heck, like most of YOU, I am now a little lost without a phone. I am so used to carrying it around with me, so used to being able to check the interweb for anything and everything, its a little unnerving not having that power, and I can totally concur with the article I posted in July.

So Monday night, when I lost the power in my own iPhone for a good 18 hours, it was weird. Almost liberating, yet terrifying.

I usually do update my iPod on a nightly basis, and my iPhone every few days. When I plugged my iPod into iTunes, iNoticed that there were several apps that needed to be updated, and one of them included... Facebook. It was called Facebook 4.0, an overhaul of the actual app, and supposedly a new layout and a new design and its going to be easier to use and so on and so forth and heck, I'm going for it!

So after a little while, I plugged in my iPhone to update, and after ten minutes or so--normally it would be a like, two minutes, but my computer is pretty crappy--it was finished. I "ejected" and then pulled up Facebook on the phone to see the changes.

The app opened, and the words FACEBOOK stared back at me from a solid blue screen. And it loaded. And loaded. And loaded. And after about ten minutes of FACEBOOK on a solid blue screen, I hit the home button (the circle button at the front bottom) to go back to the regular screen. I tried it again, hitting the FB app, and the same thing happened. And this time, my phone froze. I couldn't click out of it, I couldn't do anything else, and so after another several minutes, I did what I usually use as a last resort--I rebooted. Hit the circle home button, and held the power button at the top for a few seconds, and the phone powered down.

I turned it back on again, it opened, and one more time, I hit FB. And the phone froze. Again.

I rebooted once more, then decided I would reload the app. So with some fancy finger work, I deleted the FB application, and then went to the App Store, found the "update" key, and click on "Facebook" to reload. It re-installed, yet once again, I found myself in this loop of FACEBOOK staring, frozen phone, reboot. As I rebooted, I thought to myself, "Okay, its late, and I'm going to stop this nonsense and just go to bed."

And I did.

I finished brushing my teeth, put on my sleep shorts and shirt, and crawled into bed, with the intention of not checking FB, but just checking email, maybe seeing a few baseball scores and so on, so I clicked the phone back on from the reboot. Like normal, the little silver apple came up, so I put the phone aside to talk to The Lovely Steph Leann while it took a few seconds to power up.

I turned back to it to see the little silver apple still there. Turning away, I thought, "That's odd--that's a little longer than normal, but okay." I did some picking up around the room, straightening the blankets and such, and crawled back into bed, only to find the silver apple still there. And not moving.

Once more, I did a reboot. I powered on, and the silver apple came up. And stayed there. The Silver Apple of Death.

I crawled out of bed yet again, and this time went downstairs. I thought I'd do some online research on the iPhone and find out what to do... I found out two things--one, there is this trick you do with plugging it in to your computer, and powering up at the same time, and open up iTunes while singing Nichole Nordeman music, looking at The History Channel International and picking your teeth with the corner of a nearby index card... two, the Facebook app is deadly.

I did a combo of reboots and attempted syncing and other instructions as listed on several sites on the interweb, but nothing. The Silver Apple of Death still stared at me. Sighing, I logged onto the Apple Store website and made my appointment for the next afternoon. It looked like there were lots and lots of appointments available, but having been to this store a few times with iPod and iTouch issues, I knew that a walk-in appointment was something hard to obtain... likewise, I wasn't lulled into a sense of ease when I signed up in a time amongst empty slots for visits.

The next day at work was like most others at The Caffeine Store, other than I had no phone. I couldn't check the time. On my break, I was so used to checking my email right quick, looking at Facebook quickly to see anything I missed, to check Twitter to see any news about Disney World, or The Rock, or anything else I subscribe to...

Essentially, it was just like life at 28 years old, before the cell phone. And it was weird. Weird and kinda great. Almost as if I was able to get a small taste of how life would be were I disconnected... well, not completely disconnected, but maybe not as connected. Remember, there was a time just a few short years ago for many people including myself, when texting wasn't really an option. My first data plan allowed me 50 text messages per month. With Melanie texing me about work and life, with Mikey and Matty texting me about The Deucecast, and The Lovely Steph Leann texting me instructions about where I need to go and what I need to do, I go through 50 texts by mid-afternoon many times.

Of course, the novelty of the disconnection was short lived, especially when I needed to check a score, or I needed to find out who sings a certain song, or what a certain lyric might be, or exactly how many movies has D.B. Sweeney done since "The Cutting Edge" (22, I think)--these are things I'm used to finding out at the drop of a hat, but when the smartphone is kaput, your answers are out of reach.

Leaving work, I make my way on Tuesday to The Summit and get into the Apple Store, right at 230, just in time for my appointment. I check in, then stand off to the side and await my turn. Like I suspected, a large number of open appointments online is no guarantee that I'll be in and out in a timely matter.

"ding ding"

I'm standing there, staring at the overpriced accessories (seriously, who thinks $29.99 is a fair price for a rubberized piece of silicone that wraps your phone?) and I hear the familiar ding of a text. My text. I pull the phone out of my pocket, and stare at it. And sure enough, there is a text from my pastor, one that was sent about four hours earlier. And whats more, the Silver Apple of Death is no longer on my phone... my wallpaper is looking at me. I open the iPhone, and immediately see what Facebook does when I try to open it--if I'm going to freeze up the phone, I should do it here, right? If you are going to get sick, the best place to do so is the hospital.

Facebook gives me the blue screen, loads for a minute or two, and opens. And there it is.

And of course, after waiting already for 30 minutes, with a working phone in my hand, an Apple Apprentice greets me and asks me my issues.

I smile and say, "Ya know how when your car is making funny noises for a while, and then you decide to take it to the mechanic, but when you get it to the auto shop, it stops making noises?" When he nods "yes", I reply,"Yup. That's my iPhone."

I tell him my issues, and how its started working again, and he tells me how this Facebook app has been really causing a ton of issues, and lots of people are bringing in their iPhones and iPads with similar problems. However, since it started working, it seems like my own iPhone has "broken through" the problem, and has come clean on the other side.

Maybe soon I should disconnect completely. Just put the phone down, not have interweb access at all times, just go back to the days when I had to go home to make a phone call, when I had to find an actual computer to check my email...

(laughing hard)

Yeah, I know. I am so doggone funny!

NEW BLOGS!!!

2011-10-13T22:04:00.001-05:00

NEW POSTS COMING SOON! I PROMISE!!!!

50/50: 100% Great

2011-09-29T00:01:00.001-05:00

This review is written about two hours after the we arrived home from seeing the movie. Its a little scattered, because I'm sleepy and I'm also distracting by watching ESPN's "Catching Hell", a documentary about the Steve Bartman incident in 2003, which by the way, this doc is cotton picking awesome. Anyway, hope you get the sense of my thoughts of this movie, even though its all over the place.

Adam works for Seattle Public Radio, working on a piece about a volcano, living a humdrum life, dating the quite stunning Rachael, best buddies with Kyle and is simply enjoying his life as is.

(cue screeching record needle on record)

Until, of course, he discovers he has cancer. A serious, excessive, painful cancer that will kill him without chemo and ultimately major surgery that may not even work.

And so is the story of "50/50", a film written somewhat autobiographically by Will Reiser, a guy who had, and beat, cancer. He is also good friends with Seth Rogen, who stars as Kyle, along side of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's portrayal of Adam.

Adam and Rachael are together, but Kyle hates her. So things
go bad fast.

Adam tries to keep his life in some semblance of order after he gets his diagnosis, which doesn't help when his girlfriend Rachael, makes some pretty bad choices... I truly don't think I'm ruining anything, because from the very beginning, you get an uneasy sense that this isn't going to go well, and Bryce Dallas Howard's performance as Rachael is just great.

Another surprise in this film is Philip Baker Hall (Alan) and Matt Frewer (Mitch), two That Guys that join Adam in chemo, and add humor, warmth and even more heart as they compare cancer notes and issues. Their scene in the backyard, perhaps off putting by the weed going around, is still awesome.

The Lovely Steph Leann and I procured free passes to a special sneak of this film, meeting up with my buddy Mikey and my other buddy Shawn, and I gotta tell ya, this film was absolutely fantastic.

Kyle (Rogen) has a hard time adjusting too, but turns it into a positive after learning the cancer helps both of them get digits from chicks, get dates and meet lots and lots of women. Seth Rogen's last leading role was a disaster ("Observe and Report"), but here in a supporting role in "50/50", he's perfect.

The duo of Rogen and Gordon-Levitt works really well, you believe them as best friends, and though you really don't find out how they became friends or how long, there is a line that tells you they've been friends since high school, giving you the indication that its been a while. When Adam finally has a realization of what is happening to him, and what might happen to him once that surgery happens, its some of the finest acting on Gordon-Levitt's part that I've seen in a while. Seth Rogen is also brilliant here, because as the dorky, skirt-chasing but big hearted best friend, he doesn't know what to do, he's just speechless.

Anna Kendrick is awesome. She's no Amy Adams (whom I'm in love with)
but she is still awesome.

The only two predictable moments in the movie to me really was that Adam's relationship with Rachael would go bad, and that when Adam's therapist, Katherine (played by the wonderful Anna Kendrick), enters the picture, you know there is a spark there. I won't tell you how, or even if, that spark is played out, but you know there is a connection there, predictably.

Adam's father, suffering from Alzheimer's, is being taken care of by his mother, played well by Anjelica Huston, who goes all emotional when she finds out, and becomes the smothering mother that he has to deal with, amongst other things.

The iconic moment of the movie,
or at least the movie poster.
As Adam starts to shave his
head, he asks Kyle, "What
do you use this for?" Kyle shrugs.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, in a fair world, would be sniffing an Oscar nomination, at the least a Golden Globe nod, because his performance is awesome. I love this guy in "Inception", as his character is one of the coolest cats out there, but he tops himself in "50/50". I enjoy Seth Rogen being goofy in any number of movies, but his semi-serious turn that he couldn't nail in "Funny People" is nailed here. Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't have a huge role, but does it right, while Anna Kendrick shines as Katherine, just like she does as Natalie in "Up In the Air", a movie which is quickly becoming one of my all time favorites.

Loved this film, one of the best I've seen this year... however, this movie is not for kids, as the language flows pervasive and free flowing, and there is a few uses of the Mary Jane plant... there is one sex scene, though you really don't see anything, and it ends a little different than you would think, almost in a sympathetic fashion. Its about an hour forty-five or so, maybe a little less, but it is paced really well and honestly, its one of those rare movies that I didn't want to end.

The CD Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

2011-09-26T22:34:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me say... "Winnie the Pooh" is wonderful. I mean, absolutely wonderful.

For those fans of classic Disney Animation, or those of you who are fans of the old school Pooh, not this preschool abomination that is on Playhouse Disney, with that stupid Darby chick, where the animation is all computerized and clunky and the stories are on the level of a 3 year old... okay, well, I guess that's on purpose... but anyway, this is Pooh how he should be. And Eeyore. And Owl. And Kanga & Roo. And Rabbit. And of course, Tigger... and Christopher Robin is back in his tussled hair, shorty short and yellow shirtyness.

Here's the trailer for "Winnie the Pooh", using Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know". Even though this song wasn't in the actual film, its use in the trailer is brilliant.

In our story, Eeyore has lost his tail (again). And so the gang goes on a mission to replace the tail, and Pooh just wants some lunch--that would be in the form of honey. Along the way, though, due to a misunderstanding (and to Owl's pompousness--Craig Ferguson does a great job here), they end up preparing themselves for a scary creature named The Backson which brings in a memorable and fun musical number.

The characters also utilize the fact that they are in a story, namely in an actual book, as the letters on "the page" are acknowledged and even used in a desperate situation in the film.

If you remember early Pooh stories, mostly from the compilation film "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh", they are simple yet smart, simply drawn yet beautifully drawn, with a story that's easy to understand, yet funny, warm and adult enough to keep the older folk entertained... that is, if you want to be entertained.

Don't go into "Winnie the Pooh" expecting a Pixar movie. Don't think you'll see "The Incredibles" or "Finding Nemo" here, but in its own way, "Pooh" is just as good. There's no CGI, though computers were used for some of the animation, but much of it is traditionally hand drawn--and this will grow into an absolute Disney Classic, as it should. Its wonderful.

I loved this movie, and had this movie come out two years later, I could totally see this being the first movie for Lorelei Addision or Campbell Isaiah, especially with its short 65 minute running time. And yes, we'll be purchasing this on home video when its available.

The other thing I enjoyed about this movie was the music... actress and singer Zooey Deschanel steps in to sing three songs, and is awesome. I'm not that familiar with Zooey's music, though I do know she is in a musical duo called She & Him (her partner in S&H is M. Ward, who also helped with music for Pooh), who was featured on a previous episode of The Deucecast.

Anyway, she's great. My favorite is "So Long", featured in the video, but she also does a super version of the Pooh theme song, and another song called "A Very Important Thing to Do"... and "The Backson Song" is so much doggone fun. I know that we had a CD Purge a few weeks back, but darn it, I want this soundtrack for my very own. I want this CD.

I'd been nosing around for it, usually when I go into Best Buy or Target or Wal-Mart, I'll step to the Soundtrack section, or Kids music, and have been doing this since mid-August, but alas, I've seen nary a copy. Even at 2nd & Charles, my new favorite place to buy and sell used CDs and movies, there have been no sightings of it. (just as an aside, its somewhat slightly surreal to see a CD that you used to own on a sale rack, with a price tag on it, knowing that since they are selling it for $3.49, you probably were paid about 36 cents for it...)

Tonight, The Lovely Steph Leann and I were enjoying a tasty dinner at Zoe's Kitchen (they returned my man card as I was leaving) at The Summit, and remembered there was a Coconut's nearby. Coconuts used to be my home for used CDs, but all the locations I knew of closed except for this one single store. After dinner, I drove over, parked and ran in quickly--The Lovely Steph Leann elected to stay in the car, as I could have run in and out in the time it took her to get from the car to the front door.

I finally found it. But not used. New. And Coconuts, for all the great prices they have on used CDs completely sucks it up when it comes to new ones. The price? $17.99. I cannot remember the last time I paid for than say, $14 for any CD of any kind, much less $17.99 for this. Disappointed, I sighed and put it back and ambled back to the car.

"Didn't have it?" she asked as I started the car and backed out of the spot.
"No, they did, but it was $17.99, and I wasn't about to pay that for any CD," I replied.
"Can you download it on iTunes?" she asked.
"Well, yeah.. but... " I started... and I guess I should. But I just don't want to. I want the actual CD.

Do you know what I mean? In this digital age where its easy to have 15,613 songs on an iPod (like I do), I sometimes lament the loss of the physical CD. Not always, but sometimes. In our CD purge, over 300 CDs lost their cases, with the jackets and the discs going in the CD book, the plastic cases being tossed and recycled. But sometimes, you just want to hold the case. While driving in the car, open the case, pull the disc out and insert it into your CD player.

Or, if you are old school, open that case, pull the disc out and insert it into a small stereo, or your computer or your DVD player for playing. Certain CDs, you just don't want to scroll up and down on your circle pad on the mp3 player, or plug into the AUX port in the car or whatever.

I brought up the fact that The Lovely Steph Leann has a Nook, and she's mentioned before that she sometimes likes have a book in her hand, being able to bend the cover back, break the spine to show that its been read, to flip the physical pages and such... she sighed, and said, "Yeah, but I guess I've made the transition."

Perhaps its the same thing that our grandparents went through, watching our parents pass up vinyl for 8 tracks, or cassettes, or passing up .45s for cassette singles. Watching some parents, maybe older siblings passing up or transitioning from those same cassettes to CDs. And now, we are making conscious decisions to move from larger CDs and clunky, space consuming CD towers to music on mp3 players, saved on our computers, all on our hard drive, playable at the click of an iPod wheel or the press of a triangle in iTunes.

I hope that Lorelei and/or Campbell know what its like to put a CD in a CD player. And if I'm lucky, they'll but putting their copy of The Winnie the Pooh Soundtrack CD in a CD player.

But not for $17.99.

The Silliness of Star Wars

2011-09-19T15:25:00.022-05:00

Friday, one of the most beloved--and criticized, perhaps even overhyped--franchises in the history of movie was released on Blu-Ray for the first time. And I though I didn't purchase it (oh, believe me, I wanted to, but I decided to make grown up decisions about my money), it still flew off of the shelves at Best Buy, Target and Wal-Mart, as I was greeted by empty spaces amongst those poorly constructed Empire or Jedi cardboard stands.

But to celebrate the Star Wars release date, I wanted to post the following... I took this from Entertainment Weekly's Darrin Franich, about a love of Star Wars, yet a yearning to see all the hype about vitriol about George Lucas go away--not to defend the man, but to simply say, "Seriously guys... it wasn't that great of a movie..." Hurricane Rhett, this is for you... Franich writes:

When I say that it’s time for us to stop caring so much about Star Wars, I want you to understand: When I was a kid, my obsession with Star Warswas all-encompassing. I had the original trilogy memorized — not just the lines, but the sound effects. I had a massive collection of Star Wars action figures: the Ewok village, the Y-Wing fighters, the Empire Strikes Back-era rendition of Han Solo, when he was wearing that awesome blue jacket. I collected Star Wars comics, Star Wars fan magazines, Star Wars T-shirts. I lost track of how many times I played through Shadows of the Empire on my Nintendo 64. In fifth grade, I had only one real goal in life: To write a series of books for the Star WarsExpanded Universe. The books were going to star Davin Felth, the stormtrooper who says “Look sir, droids!” in the first movie. (I can’t tell you why, exactly, I was so fascinated by such a minor character. Maybe it was his initials.)

What I’m trying to say is that Star Wars simply was my childhood. I didn’t have many friends, and I couldn’t play sports, so my obsession was splashed with a massive dollop of yearning. I wanted so badly to live in the Star Wars universe. Which meant that, for a young me, George Lucas was more than just my idol: He was a walking representation of transcendence.

And, as it happened, I wasn’t the only one who felt that way: When I was an adolescent, the God-Cult of George Lucas was a massive cultural force. There was a Star Wars exhibit at the National Air and Space Museum. You couldn’t walk through a philosophy section of a bookstore without seeing at least five books describing how Star Wars was a modern myth, how George Lucas was heavily influenced by Joseph Campbell, how Carl Jung was all overThe Empire Strikes Back. Since the ’90s were a miserable time for sci-fi/fantasy movies —Lost in Space, Dragonheart, Wing Commander — the promise of more Star Wars films just over the horizon made Lucas seem (to my young, naive eyes) like the anointed savior of the cinema.

Like every other science-fiction-loving movie fan from my generation and earlier, I can pinpoint the specific day that I lost my innocence: May 19, 1999, the day Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace opened in theaters.

There was already an anti-George Lucas movement growing in the dark corners of the Internet after the 1997 Special Editions: You know, Greedo shooting first, that ridiculous Wampa costume, the bizarre choice to make the Sarlacc Pit look like a refugee from Little Shop of Horrors. But Episode I cemented a whole Star Wars counter-myth, best expressed in the eternal cry of the betrayed Star Wars fanboy: “George Lucas raped my childhood.” That’s a sentiment that returns to the spotlight every couple years, usually when a new version of Star Wars hits DVD with additional “corrections.” Certainly, it’s the most common response to the news — reported yesterday by EW — that the new Blu-ray version of Return of the Jedi will feature Darth Vader melodramatically screaming “Nooooo!”

Believe me, there is a big part of me that wants to join the chorus of betrayed fans. But why? Why am I so angry at the man who was responsible for some of the major formative moments in my existence? Studying various Star Wars encyclopedias was a gateway drug for enjoying actual genuine history books. Watching the films on repeat taught me basic film grammar. Star Wars made me love science-fiction, so I have to thank George Lucas for indirectly pointing me onwards to Philip K. Dick, to Iain M. Banks, to Robert Heinlein and Orson Scott Card and every other great S.F. author. George Lucas can’t ruin my childhood, because my childhood already happened.

And that, I think, is why all the George Lucas hatred is fundamentally misplaced — and, in fact, why my initial gut-reaction (“Screw you, George!”) reflects much worse on me. The reason why our first response is to hate George Lucas is not because Lucas is ruining our childhoods. Far from it. Lucas is, perhaps accidentally, forcing us to admit two things: First, that our childhoods are over; and second, that the things we enjoy when we are children tend to be silly.

Because make no mistake: Star Wars is extremely, extremely silly.

I want to stress: Silliness is not a bad thing. Silly things can be important, and even profound. The first Star Wars film is a near-perfect work of propulsive silliness: funny robots and ninja-priests who speak from beyond the grave and big scary space-weapons that can blow up planets. The second Star Warsfilm is a genuinely perfect Hollywood entertainment, a work of narrative schadenfreude that merrily chops our beloved heroes down to size. And then there’s Return of the Jedi, which is basically an extended episode of The Muppets.

I’m not insulting any of these movies, but you have to understand that Star Wars is the rare long-running science-fiction series that doesn’t really have any Big Ideas at its core. The whole Light Side/Dark Side dichotomy is so vague that it could essentially apply to anything: The Cold War, the American political system, Pong. Lucas famously attempted to sprinkle a Big Idea into the Star Wars prequels — the rise of reactionary fascism in a republican democracy — but the metaphor was simultaneously too on the nose and too cluttered by narrative doggerel. The early movies don’t need Big Ideas. They are fun, and fun can never be overrated. (I guess you could argue that the “Idea” of Star Wars is just very elemental: “You should be a good person, because good is more powerful than evil.” But that’s not an idea; it’s a Sunday School lesson plan.)

But we have to stop confusing the fun of Star Wars with the abstract notion of cinematic perfection. Unfortunately, we live in an era of nostalgia, and nostalgia makes everything look profound, especially the stupid things you enjoyed when you were a kid. Take Return of the Jedi. Jedi is a bad movie by every measure, but I loved it when I was a kid, because when I was a kid I was much stupider than I am now, because kids are stupid. When I saw the Special Editions in theaters, the only tweak that bothered me was the deletion of “Yub-Nub”from the film’s finale. “Yub-Nub” is a terrible song. Kids are stupid. I purchased every issue of Kevin J. Anderson’s “Tales of the Jedi” cycle, even though the characters were all lame and the plot was pretty dull. Kids are stupid. Once, I put my finger on a lit stove just to see what it would feel like. Kids are stupid.

I’m reminded of an incredible section in Sir Alec Guinness’ memoir, My Name Escapes Me: The Diary of a Retiring Actor, in which he describes his feelings on the Star Wars franchise:

A refurbished Star Wars is on somewhere or everywhere. I have no intention of revisiting any galaxy. I shrivel inside each time it is mentioned. Twenty years ago, when the film was first shown, it had a freshness, also a sense of moral good and fun. Then I began to be uneasy at the influence it might be having. The first bad penny dropped in San Francisco when a sweet-faced boy of twelve told me proudly that he had seen Star Wars over a hundred times. His elegant mother nodded with approval. Looking into the boy’s eyes I thought I detected little star-shells of madness beginning to form and I guessed that one day they would explode.

Guinness was a real actor. He was in freaking Bridge on the River Kwai, a thrilling entertainment that is also a bitter, fascinating meditation on war. So we Star Wars fans should, perhaps, pay more attention to him than we typically do. Guinness begged the little fanboy to never see Star Wars ever again; when he wrote the memoir, he expressed his hope that the little boy, “now in his thirties, is not living in a fantasy world of secondhand, childish banalities.”

But in a way, that’s exactly what happened to popular culture. We’ve all become so obsessed with the notion that the original Star Wars films were perfect and wonderful and original, and mean old George Lucas just keeps on changing them. In turn, we all believe that the next great action-adventure franchise is just around the corner. When franchises disappoint us — when X-Men and Spider-Man and The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean all descend into big-budgeted inanity — we might be angry at the filmmakers, but we never stop to question our basic presumption: That big, dumb action trilogies can be anything more than big, dumb action trilogies.

I think that it is time to put away childish things. Time to admit that Star Wars — like fruit snacks and Nickelodeon — should perhaps be left behind in our adolescence. There is no shame in changing your mind about something, and come on, can you really trust someone who hasn’t evolved beyond a first-grade level? The reason why we hate George Lucas is because we are George Lucas: Eternally obsessed with putting a spit-shine on films from long ago, insisting that Star Wars is the modern myth, and so it can never stop evolving.

There will always be generations of children who love Return of the Jedi, but there should also be generations of adults who admit that Return of the Jedi is awful — yes, even without the added “Nooooo!” Star Wars was never perfect, and will never be perfect. That dream is already behind us. We will never be kids again, so maybe it’s time to just grow the hell up.

And that's Darren French. Enjoy.

As It Happened

2011-09-10T22:22:00.005-05:00

September 11th, ten years later. I posted the following in 2009, and it was a hugely popular post, and a great reminder of the day.

Click here to go to the "As It Happened" post.

Note to Facebook users, please click over to Clouds in My Coffee, as the videos will not show up on Facebook. Thanks

The Eulogy for Mom

2011-09-09T15:31:00.000-05:00

This is the eulogy, written by me in room 201 of the Opp Inn Best Western at 1035pm on Thursday, September 8th, for my dear mum, Velma Dollar. Read at her funeral, Friday, September 9th, at 2pm.

Thanks to all the family and friends who have come out tonight... it's kind of a lose-lose situation for those of us who loved Mom, because while she'd be happy you were here, she would be irritated at all of us for causing such a fuss over her.

Jan asked me to write the eulogy some time ago, and even until yesterday, I was struggling with what to say. But after talking with the family and the people that loved her yesterday, I was able to do it quickly.

I got the call Tuesday morning that Mom had passed away.

I work in a coffee shop in Birmingham, AL, where my wife and I live. There had been severe storms in the area over those few days, and the power was out in many neighborhoods, making our little store the place to be for breakfast and coffee... meaning, we were quite busy all morning long. So when my phone rang, I wasn't able to take the call. I continued working, intending on checking the message as soon as I could.

But when the phone rang again... and then for a third, then fourth time in a row, I knew. I knew it had happened. I asked to leave the floor, and quickly went to call back. And I heard what I knew I would hear... "Momma just passed away." It wasn't unexpected, mind you, she had been sick for a while, had been in and out of the hospital for some time now. But it was still painful. I sat on the backroom floor, next to a grungy mop sink and I cried for a few minutes. Because the woman who raised me was gone.

But oh what a life she lived. At almost 80 years old, she lived a full life, perhaps a hard life sometimes, maybe an unexciting life but a full life nonethless. But if I could describe her life in one word, and one word only, I would say this word. Love. Because, you see, its not a stretch to say she was our family matriarch, she was the center tree in a forest full of kids, grandkids, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews and more.

She loved.

She loved many things. She loved her NASCAR. She loved watching racing on Sunday afternoons, watching grown men making left turns for three hours. She had the opportunity to go to a race once, and she loved it so, so much, though she told me it was 3 hours of racing, and 3 hours of trying to leave the parking lot.

She loved her sewing and her gardening. One of the jokes I told my friends was that she could make a stone grow into a beautiful plant, harvest those leaves and knit you a quilt with them, while turning the stems into a casserole that would melt in your mouth. In her later years, she was unable to sew those quilts, those coasters, those pot holders, and kneel in her garden and it saddened her greatly... because she loved doing those things.

She loved her TV shows... as a kid, I remember sitting up late with her on the couch and watching Night Court, laughing at jokes that I didn't fully understand until years later. She loved her Wheel of Fortune, she loved her game shows, she loved her country music, she loved her Phase 10 and her Skip Bo. She loved those things.

She loved being real. She didn't put up a front for anyone, she was who she was, and she didn't put up with anyone who did try to be fake. Once, I brought home some friends from college and in a rousing game of Phase 10, one of my friends decided it would be a good idea to skip Mama Dollar--that's what all the friends called her. She glared at him, then called him a Poop-Butt, only she had a more colorful term for it. And in those two expletives, he felt love because she said it with such a friendly smile, and such a warm spirit. She loved being real with people.

She loved walking up to the library and sitting and talking with Mrs. Susie... she loved talking a stroll to the IGA supermarket for some light groceries... she loved sitting on her front porch, waving at cars that would drive by as some teenager she didn't recognize would yell "Hey Mom!"... she loved having my friends like Chris and Greg and Tonya come over so she could laugh with them, sometimes at them... she loved going up to The Wrights for dinner... She loved them.

Love.

She loved her husband. She loved John, my dad, with all of her heart. They met later in their life, but she loved him with a ferocity that couldn't be matched. Despite his flaws, despite his failures, despite his later years where he began to forget, where he began to end, she loved him until his dying day. She would say that she dreamed about him coming to see her, to the point that she was convinced she was awake when he visited. Who am I to tell her she's wrong.

She loved her brothers and sisters. She loved Merva Lee and their days together, as they would ride up to the commissary to buy groceries. She loved Hilda's singing and Ruby and Earleen, and were so glad when they moved here, so she could see them on a regular basis. She loved her brothers dearly, too. When Uncle Opal died and she couldn't be there, she sat in her room and cried for an hour. She loved them.

She loved her girls. Betty Joyce... Dinky... Nan... and Bug. She loved them so deeply. Perhaps she wasn't always the best mom. Perhaps she didn't have all the answers. Perhaps she made mistakes, sometimes big, sometimes small... but she loved Betty, Linda, Jan and Judy. Maybe it was Mom who taught them to love as well. She would defend her girls to her dying day over anything and anybody. She loved them. Betty, Linda, Judy, Jan... she loves you still, even as she walks streets of gold.

She loved her grandkids. She loved Linda's girl, April. She thought April was so beautiful and so smart and when I asked--and sometimes when I didn't--how April was doing, she would brag on April, and how she finished school and how she was working here and how she was doing this. She loved you, and was proud of you.

She loved Betty's kids, Marty, Frankie Jr and Shannon. Three separate children, three completely different personalities, but she loved them all just the same. She loved Marty's ambition, she loved Frankie Jr's loyalty to his family, she loved Shannon and her goofiness. She loved spending weeks at a time in Virginia with them, grandkids and great-grandkids alike crawling all over their Granny Dollar.

She loved Judy's boys, Steven and John. She watched them grow up, she watched them become men, and she would tell me frequently where they were in the world, what they were doing, and how proud she was of them, often showing off the things that they would bring back to her from far away lands. Steven, John... she loved you and was so proud of all you've done.

She loved Jan's boys, Shawn, Chris and Bobby. She also watched them grow up, and she never judged them for any mistakes that were made. Instead, she bragged how proud she was of them about what they came through, and what they were becoming. And how much she loved her great-grandkids too. Shawn, Chris, Bobby... she loved you three for the men you've become.

Our final picture together. She passed a week later.

And she loved me. She brought me into her home when it was just her and Dad, when they were done with kids, when their marriage was quiet and peaceful and they were fine... she loved me enough to take me in when, at the time, it was the only way to know I was being taken care of. She raised me, she taught me responsibility, and taught me to respect and love as well.

I believe that there is a legacy left behind. And that legacy is love. If any of us could love our spouses... love our children... love our grandchildren... love those around us as much as Velma Dollar loved... we could consider ourselves blessed beyond measure.

She loved. And I know that she would want you to do the same.

The BCS Spelling Bee

2011-09-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

One of the funniest things I have seen in a long, long, looooong time... make sure you notice the background pictures, with "Craig Jams 4 Senautar Paid 4 by ESPN" and the little jabs like, "Would you like a Capital One Card?"

What If Everything Worked Like BCS: The Spelling Bee from sanjeev tandle on Vimeo.

If you can't see this video, then check out the original site

Viva la BCS!

The Close of the Summer of Blogging

2011-09-05T20:08:00.008-05:00

This post has several links on it, so if you are reading this on Facebook, it might show up horribly. So, do yourself a favor and click on over to Clouds in My Coffee, then bookmark it and check that page daily.

Well, its over. My little blogging experiment is coming to a close... not the whole blog, I mean--sorry for those of you who think I'm a hack (more than you'd think, really), I'm going to continue the blog.

However, "The Summer of Blogging" has now finished.

My summer production (June, July, August) is about average for the rest of the year, with only 19 in 2005, 37 in 2006, 30 in 2007, in 2008 I managed 26, in 2009 I wrote 29, and last year I posted 29 times. This summer, however, I hit the blog scene hard, with averaging sometime new every day and a half or so. 97 days, 69 blogs. Not all were quality, but I will say I'm proud of others. Some were re-dos of things I wrote long, long ago, others were quick hits, and still others were lengthy pieces that, with the structure of The Summer of Blogging, were probably lost in the shuffle.

So, what did we see here this summer?

Weeeel.... we talked about Disney... with the Pin Event in February... then what happens when HGTV gets ahold of your backyard... then taking a Magic Kingdom tour...

There movies galore this summer, including "Super 8"... "Crazy Stupid Love"... Grindhouse films... the career of Katharine Heigl... a slew of movies that will make you shout "U-S-A! U-S-A!"... and not only do we cover the latest Harry Potter flick, we discuss all of them.

Life happened this summer too... from helping a 9 year old boy discover his inner gangsta to mourning the loss of a friend... from remembering the early days of college to the things our (upcoming) child should know.

And of course, there is love for our Creator... from card games with Him to a friendship with Peter to the joys of going Home.

Heck, I even made my first real college football season predictions, then tried to solve the problems of the conferences!

Yes, there has been alot this summer... even with the week in the middle of the summer that I took off, and the few days I took after the death of our friend Rob.

Thank you for reading this summer, and I have lots more to say... more movie reviews, the last three parts of my 2010 review, and more news with the anticipated arrival of Lorelei Addison or Campbell Isaiah, whichever decides to show up.

And thus ends The Summer of Blogging, Day Sixty Nine.